In Survival Mode

I don’t know if it’s because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m a complex medical parent or if it’s because we’ve had a hard week that’s left us in survival mode.

Being a mother is the most rewarding and the most heartbreaking. I’ve dreamt of this for all of my adult life but I never thought it be this way. Needles, tubes, monitors, emergencies. Watching you suffer and go through what no little boy should have to.

They call it Dravet.

Something I had never heard of, now my worst nightmare.

Some days I’m afraid to get too close, fearful I will get burnt.

Some days your smoke suffocates me, as I am still not used to your intensity.

Then there is the days I want it to engulf me and sweep me up entirely. Those days are becoming more frequent.

Dear me,

I see you suffering, I know it’s exhausting. You’ve been thinking about ending your life a lot lately. if I tell you right now that as time goes by, your life becomes amazing and worth living; you probably won’t believe me but it does! You’ve tiptoed around this house for far too long, there will be a time you plant those feet firmly. You’ve cried yourself to sleep on a nightly basis, nights eventually long for your tears. You pray for your life to be taken, but now you’re so grateful to be alive. You’re so much stronger than you believe, and you’re special…. So special.

You are resilient, creative and beautifully broken.

You are kind, thoughtful and a little wild.

You love with all your heart, and you’re worthy of that same love.

You’re worthy of that same love.

What would you write to your past self?

What would you say to that anxiety filled teenager? That fearful child? That scared daughter? That angry son?

If you could write a letter to yourself in a time that was tough or unbearable, what would it say?

I didn’t know you were real, that you truly existed, please stay.

Fuck this, I give up!

Or

Fuck this, I’ll keep going!

Imagine your stress holder looks like a bucket,

Before you even start the day, how full is that bucket?

I am the darkness that surrounds you I am the weight that bears down on you I am the emptiness that consumes you I am the pain that never fades I am depression

I whisper in your ear, telling you that you're alone That no one cares, that you're better off on your own I convince you that you're not good enough That you'll never amount to anything, that you're a failure I tell you that you're worthless, that you should give up

I make you feel like you're drowning Like you're suffocating under the weight of the world I make you feel like you're stuck in quicksand Like you're never going to escape my grasp

I cloud your thoughts with negativity I make it hard for you to see the good in anything I twist your perception of reality I make you doubt your own abilities

“Because alone in the dark the devil can tell you whatever the hell he wants.”

This stood out to me because of the overall truth it speaks, whether you believe in a higher power or not, we all have something that reaches out to us in the darkness, how do we defend ourselves from it?

Christian believe in putting on the armor of Christ.

Through prayer, strength, love and belief, we will conquer all.

Anxiety can be a difficult and overwhelming experience, but it's important to remember that it's a normal and natural part of life. Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time, and it can actually be a useful response to certain situations. It's when anxiety becomes persistent and excessive that it can start to interfere with daily life and well-being.

If you're struggling with anxiety, there are several things you can do to manage it and find some relief:

1. Practice relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation are all effective ways to calm your body and mind.

2. Exercise regularly: Physical activity can help reduce anxiety by releasing endorphins and promoting feelings of relaxation.

3. Get enough sleep: Lack of sleep can contribute to anxiety, so it's important to make sure you're getting enough rest.

4. Eat a healthy diet: A well-balanced diet can help improve your mood and reduce anxiety.

5. Talk to someone: Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional can help you feel less alone and provide a sense of support.

Here is just a short list, as I am sure there is many more.

I have traveled to the other side of the world and built a life.

I have grown into a women that refuses to allow her past trauma to get in the way of building that life.

I have a marriage that I never thought I would have.

I have a job that I love and that gives me purpose.

I have made friends, even when I felt that it seemed impossible.

I have build great relationships with my husbands family.

I have built boundaries in order to protect myself from further emotional damage.

This really made my soul light up. Someone who is suffering, whether it be drug and alcohol abuse, mental health, physical/mental/emotional trauma, with God at the centre of your struggle, it becomes less of a burden to you. You no longer go through your struggles alone.

With God all things are possible.

Every single person on this earth is broken whether we choose to believe that or not. Some days I still struggle with that, but it’s important to realise that God has a plan for all of us and we as God’s children are here for a reason. I doubt Gods looking at your nose piercing or your rose tattoo and thinking “oh she’s ruined the plan, she out”