vulnerable roses

What’s a perfect body?

That’s a question I asked from myself when I was thirteen years old. Back then I never used to think about my body neither my looks. Everything changed when I went to 7th grade, it was much bigger school than my old one. There were so many beautiful girls. I remember comparing myself to other girls and thinking how they were so beautiful and I was below average. I felt like I didn’t belong and I always thought people would like me if I were more beautiful. If I were skinny.

First it started off with restricting food and making healthier food options. It went on for one month and I never really thought about it to be honest. One day I was at school and actually looked myself from the mirror and I remember thinking that how huge I am, I was really shocked. That’s when I fell into cycle that ruined me completely. I started starving myself and exercising excessively for two hours everyday. I will not go into details because I don’t want to trigger anyone or give any tips. 

I started losing weight pretty fast. My mom was first one to always compliment me. How beautiful I look, how it’s good that I lost little bit weight. I never was fat, I was on the chubbier side. I was only thirteen years old. This went on months and months. When I was getting really skinny my mom used to ask me If I ate anything, almost begged me to eat something. It all ended when I fainted after shower in middle of living room. My parents were making sure I ate and I slowly but surely started gaining weight back. 

I’m thankful for them but I’m kind of mad about it. Reason is that the body I had in 7th grade was the one I was happy to be in. I never really liked my body and I always had had issues with my body image. I’ve gone through binge cycles, starvation, purging. It has ruined me. I don’t think I will ever recover from this but I’m really trying. It’s still hard for me because I see these beautiful girls in social media and they seem to have amazing bodies. I feel like if I don’t eat I will become as beautiful as them. In back of my mind I know I’m beautiful the way I am but something still tells me otherwise.