꒰ঌ ໒꒱

MY VAPE HIT 67 67 THOUGH!! It’s the little things. 🤣

but i think i seriously have to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol. the scariest situations of my life in the past year have directly been a result of getting blackout drunk. i find myself coming up with excuses and rationalizing it, especially being a bartender, but i’m afraid that i am one bad night away from winding up dead because i’ve done something stupid yet again. i want to tell myself it isn’t bad because of x y or z reason but then my mind keeps flashing back to when i got roofied or when i was basically almost assaulted in japan or waking up in my boss’s apt. if i was normal i wouldn’t be experiencing these things. i wouldn’t be blacking out at my cousins wedding. i wouldn’t be afraid of blacking out any time i start to drink on a shift. i don’t know when it got this bad and i don’t know when i decided that i didn’t care enough to address it, but i should be kinder to myself and those around me. because i’m certain my parents worry every time i’m out until 5 am with coworkers. i know my friends probably worry when i’m in the gc talking about how i blacked out yet again. and i hate that i’m anxious any time i’m at work painfully sober because i don’t feel confident enough in myself. it’s become such a social crutch for me to the point i truthfully don’t feel happy unless i’m inebriated. i hate that i’ve gotten like this and i feel so ashamed to even talk about it with my friends and i die a little bit inside somebody jokes that i’m an alcoholic. i’m scared to even say those words and i’m even more scared to know my friends will see this post because i don’t even want them to know the half of it with how bad it’s gotten. and i think the worst part is that i don’t even want them to hold me accountable when i inevitably will be drinking again this week certainly. and i really do think there are things i love about drinking - i love to club, i feel more like myself when i’m drunk at a club, i look forward to any time i get to go out with my friends and the idea of getting shitfaced at pride or slayyyter or whatever else event is coming up in the next few months. it’s something to look forward to and give me joy in these bleak ass times. i can’t wait for the next time i get obliterated at the gay bars in japan, even though last time i was literally almost assaulted. every relationship i have in my life that i cherish is toxic it seems all i know how to do is self destruct.