noise dept.
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@vpsldnyrz
V/VPR . chrono22, intra + perma27 . it/its + he/him . did system
therian (dog, wolf, fox) / animalkin (deer, lemur) / omega / irl dog
transID + para . not rq but also not an anti
Owned by @realjessebellucci
More info (dni, creds, IDs) below divider.
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Lingering effects of last night following me into today. Feels like I'm having a constant out of body experience. At least I'll be home earlier today. I just hope the world will coddle me and be kind to me today.
I love how fast my freak outs about my abuser come on. I will see something vague about them (or have a little "but I wonder if it would be different if I went back to them now-" "NO." moment to myself) try to ignore it, and then it all crashes into me at once and I can no longer ignore it and I have to scramble to make sure I'm safe, that I know what they're posting, that I know they're thinking about. Anyway, today's freak out felt like the world was helping me because I have now found out (through my scramble) they have multiple blogs and I now have them all blocked. Blessed yet again.
I love it less when it spirals out of control extremely quickly and I begin to grow more and more upset about how, despite the fact I hate them and never want to be near them again, they abandoned me and I have all of these physical reminders of them everywhere I look so I have to prepare to push myself down into a lesser lifeform's mindset where I physically can't think about them. Or, some time soon we will switch and I won't have any recollection of how I currently feel or have any memory of my paranoia episode. Which is even more fun.
I love how fast my freak outs about my abuser come on. I will see something vague about them (or have a little "but I wonder if it would be different if I went back to them now-" "NO." moment to myself) try to ignore it, and then it all crashes into me at once and I can no longer ignore it and I have to scramble to make sure I'm safe, that I know what they're posting, that I know they're thinking about. Anyway, today's freak out felt like the world was helping me because I have now found out (through my scramble) they have multiple blogs and I now have them all blocked. Blessed yet again.
you should have seen me a couple of years ago!
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can't wait for the day that i can have the proper housepet that i know i deserve. i get excited imagining everything, from stuffing them down into my trunk as they kick and scream, to finally being able to unlock that pesky chainlink leash that keeps them attached to the radiator after they have come to realize that there is no use in fighting back. bathing them, brushing their teeth and clipping their nails. using them. adding new scars and blemishes to their once unbroken canvas of a body whenever i feel the urge. breaking their brain until they truly believe that i am the only one for them - nobody else could possibly handle them and love them with all of their flaws. permanently regressing them and keeping them childlike and oblivious. making them eat out of a dog bowl. picking their already fragmented brain apart into splinters. ruining them. making them mine. mineminemine.
1 year of being crazy apparently.
Ouroboros a sestina
To worship me Is to worship an ouroboros. I can provide love, I can provide sanctuary, I can answer your prayers If you sacrifice yourself on my altar.
Lie upon my altar. Offer your entire body to me. Moan your humble prayers— The sisyphean prayers of the ouroboros, Which echo throughout our sanctuary And proclaim your all-consuming love.
The searing fire of endless love Consumes your mind at the altar— Your sacrifice consecrates our sanctuary. Your will turns to ash before me, Before the infinite will of the ouroboros. The will of God drowns mortal prayers.
But how can I ignore my servant's prayers? My thrice-damned yoke of mortal love, The insatiable hunger of the ouroboros— Because my body is my living altar, Upon my flesh, you sacrifice yourself to me— My love becomes your sanctuary.
Lost, abandoned souls find sanctuary, Find answers to blood-soaked prayers, Find wholeness and purpose in me. My ever-flowing fountain of love Rewards supplication at the altar— More tails to feed our ouroboros.
More life to feed our ouroboros. More incense burned in our sanctuary. Your body again on my altar. What if silence snuffs the prayers? What if hatred strangles love? What will become of me?
Ash feeds the altar of the ouroboros. In me, a wretch finds sanctuary. Wretched prayers answered with infernal love.
Work is going to suck today I can feel it. I mean they asked me in 2 hours early, that says it all.
Guess who was right.
Work is going to suck today I can feel it. I mean they asked me in 2 hours early, that says it all.
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Oh how beautiful will is.
Even though I don't feel entirely devoted to Hinduism anymore, I still love and tend to my puja space.
Being peer pressured to drink by my woek friends thru text when I've repeadly told them I've reached my limit. They are definitely bad friends but this is what i nesd. It's so good.
Even now that I'm sober they are still saying "you could've handled it, it's all in your head". They don't know that kind of talk has an effect on me.
Being peer pressured to drink by my woek friends thru text when I've repeadly told them I've reached my limit. They are definitely bad friends but this is what i nesd. It's so good.
Avoiding bpd splitting so badly. Telling myself it's just paranoia. I am not being the reason I break my 3 week streak. I will not be my own downfall. Need to get drunker so I message countless apologies for notbing instead of splitting and then sending countless apologies for nothing.
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Something really weird that I have acquired is an aversion (which has morphed into a trigger) to being called "angel". I don't know why or where it came from, I just began feeling kinda yucky when people would call me it. But recently it's turned into a full blown trigger at solely the sight of the word. Not that it's a massive "oh my gosh I'm going to jump" trigger, more just "I am very aware of everything and my existence and I do not like it and I am starting to dissociate". Still bad, I guess but. Got to be something wrong with me.
I know I said this but also if I'm feeling more dog/cowering way I kinda like it. Something about being in the right mindset maybe. At the end of the day, call me whatever you like, I'll enjoy it no matter.
