i’m only honest when it rains.
if I time it right, the thunder breaks
when i open my mouth.
i want to tell you but i don’t know how.
the heating never works in the shoe-box they call home. it crackles, sounding too much like a hammer in a washing machine’s cycle and emits strange fumes that jhin swears can kill a fully grown rat. nothing much works around the apartment, but they’ve found little ways to get by.
it’s been easier having baekhyun around, jhin finds; the warmth they share beneath the thin sheet is enough to stop his teeth from chattering when winter approaches. they huddle together, close enough for their noses to bump in the darkness of the night, and for baekhyun to complain that his breath stinks. it doesn’t take him long to realise that the heat that sits idle in his limbs goes far deeper than physical proximity alone.
( what’s hard though, is to ignore the heaviness in his chest when baekhyun noses up against it. he only holds him closer; selfishness is a cruel thing, and he grows to love the cold. )
they’ve been together for a total of three and a half weeks, but baekhyun acts like they’ve known each other for a lifetime. he’s loud and boisterous, much like a child, and far too similar to himself. he pays for his share of the rent in half emptied cups of bubble tea and coy smiles— jhin can’t complain, not when there’s a light kiss pressed to his cheek in the dead of every night when he’s pretending to be asleep. baekhyun’s peculiar in every way imaginable, and jhin decides he likes that.
he tries the heating every night without fail, and it always gives the same result: loud, spluttering noises and a cloud of ash that makes him cough. baekhyun laughs; a light, airy thing which has his breath catching in his throat. maybe this is why he always tries.
he ambles back towards the makeshift bed they’ve set up— three pillows and a ratty old sleeping bag. things have gotten slightly better in the past couple of weeks; more jobs meant more money to spend on the stupid plush toys baekhyun insists on. they’re soft enough to lay on and wacky enough to put a smile on both their faces. a dolphin is the newest addition, its grey fur standing out in the other shades of bright, obnoxious colours— not that he can see much of them, but if baekhyun’s chosen something, it’s almost certain that it’d be flamboyant, much like himself.
the room is illuminated by a single candle— he’s late on rent and the landlord makes it a point to cut off power to their apartment after eight-thirty; an effort to make sure they pay up. he doesn’t mind, not when baekhyun’s fingers find purchase across the front of his shirt when the lights go off suddenly. the younger’s never admitted to being afraid of the dark, but the way he refuses to let the fabric go speaks louder than words. jhin can only smile when he coaxes him into “bed”, not commenting on the obvious chores that have gone undone. it can wait till the sun rises.
they settle in together after jhin makes sure that the flame sits a good distance away from where they rest, but close enough to keep baekhyun’s fears at bay.
when the light catches baekhyun right, jhin thinks maybe he’ll be able to see a reflection of his own aspirations. there’s a quietness that lies beneath the surface, in the loudness of it all, something softer and more poignant than the rest. there are layers than jhin himself isn’t sure he’ll ever uncover, but he knows there’s more to baekhyun than meets the eye, and he’s beyond curious.
( he’s fallen for the bite in his words and the softness in his gaze. there’s so much he doesn’t know, but he what he is sure of is he wants to know more. )
for now, baekhyun remains an enigma that he can’t quite put his finger on.
it’s at times like this where baekhyun confuses him the most: when they stare at each other under the candlelight, the day’s conversation and playful banter ebbing away into a comfortable silence. jhin finds comfort in his embrace, nonetheless, their limbs tangled and fingers intertwined, faces so close that he can feel baekhyun exhale against his chin. he wonders if baekhyun can feel how fast his heart is beating, even on the edge of wakefulness when sleep threatens to take him whole.
he takes his time to map out the contours of baekhyun’s face with his thumb; the younger never questions this, and he’s grateful for the silence that he receives in return. it’s not long before his lips replace his fingers. their nightly routine has evolved into something jhin doesn’t know what to make of. it’s easier to blame it on sheer exhaustion despite knowing that he’s fully aware of what he’s doing. kissing him is so easy; plush dragged over the smoothness of baekhyun’s skin in slow laps, watching his eyes flutter shut when jhin stops at the corner of his lips. this is a line they haven’t crossed yet, and it’s so obvious that he’s almost teetering across it— the boundary has been erased and redrawn a thousand times over, but this is something that takes a stronger push. he’s found himself in this exact position countless times before, but he’s always fallen short, pulling away to press a kiss to baekhyun’s forehead instead with a quiet whisper of goodnight. baekhyun never says anything in return but a “goodnight” of his own.
tonight’s different; baekhyun has his eyes open the second jhin’s lips meet the corner of his. it startles him but he’s staring back soon enough, trying to look for some sort of signal, anything at all that would quell the ache in his chest.
they’ve only known each other for three and a half weeks, but their gazes alone are enough to hold an entire conversation.
is this okay? his gaze speaks. there is nothing but quietness, but jhin knows that baekhyun hears him loud and clear.
baekhyun’s eyes flutter shut once more, and the answer to his question is answered. their lips meet in a chaste kiss, slow and sweet. jhin knows that it’s neither of their first kisses— far from— but it doesn’t stop his heart from beating wildly against his ribcage. there’s an underlying gentleness that he’s grown to love. one that baekhyun keeps hidden beneath the sharpness of the canines that graze jhin’s bottom lip when the kiss grows more intense. they’re breathless when they finally pull apart. red spreads across baekhyun’s ears, barely a light dusting across his cheeks.
“took you enough time, you’ve been trying to kiss me for weeks now.” the snarky reply comes, and jhin laughs, unsurprised. the sharpness in baekhyun’s gaze returns, but he’s much too busy committing that shade of red to memory.
“so you’re saying i have your permission? always?”
baekhyun silences him with a kiss, and a couple more for added effect. but with an answered question, only grows more. jhin settles for the kisses, as meaningless as baekhyun wants them to be. the physical contact is something he can continue lying to himself about, for now, at least. he keeps his questions left unspoken for and waits for the sun to rise.
