#consilian

sometimes the beginnings are the hardest.

when joowon comes to, he’s struck by the fact that he’s no longer in the couch. it’s alarming because - yunho and jaehyun both know he enjoys sleeping beside hyun the most whether it’s comfortable or not. well, hyun or their fateful leader who has yet to pay them a visit. with the extra shifts he’s been picking up at the coffee shop and his late visits to a certain dreamwalker, all that coupled with trying to show the best of himself whenever they’re with hyun, joowon has had to sleep in intervals. intervals means he falls asleep anywhere his body can get a break even if it’s after a jarring tournament with hyun and hyemi.

he assumes that’s what happened just as he assumes that someone must have moved him from the couch to the bedroom. hyun doesn’t use it much so it doesn’t have the nice wear that the couch does. it’s a nice room though, jowwon sits up and realizes that despite the younger’s insomnia he’s probably done all he can to try and make the room homey for himself. but it’s bare minus the calming mood light nestled on a low nightstand, and the bundled array of sheets.

joowon can think of a few other reasons why it might be impossible for hyun to sleep here. the white walls and the bare space remind him of a time when hyun and him were closer. a time that joowon and the others are trying to decide if they should bring back or keep buried in his psyche. that’s a thought for another day, joowon’s shuffling out the bed and towards the light filtering from the living room. he’s unaware just how tired he’s been when his body starts to weigh in on every step. 

it’d be nice - he decides - if his powers involved the blood in his body turning to lead, or maybe an outer skeleton like titanium, completely encrusting his body. then again - it’d be rather impossible for whoever brought him here to have done it. he takes a breath - touches his arms and face to make sure it’s flesh and not metal before heading out to the living room.

hyemi’s been spending a lot of time here since the first day jaehyun invited her. while joowon isn’t completely sure why the elder decided to invite her, it’s not his business to question it. jaheyun and taewoon alike, arguably know what’s best for hyun and joowon, he’s always going to prefer having their band first and everyone else second. she’s nice, less overbearing than yunho but joowon’s almost positive the two fo them care for hyun in the same way, even if it manifests differently. joowon’s spent the days as close to hyun as the younger will let him and navigating the atmosphere that results from them all being here. being here and quite literally dancing around the truth of who they are with someone who still doesn’t trust them.

and why would she? jaheyun’s decision to invite her goes hand in hand with the decision to not tell her who they are, what they really are and finding their way around that has been, awkward.

joowon walks out the yunho seated in his spot - rude - and jaehyun cleaning the stove. has he been out that long? food’s done and all? hyun is still on the couch but they’re no longer playing games, hyemi is helping him with class work and yunho is pretending not to be interested, typical. joowon can see the glances he makes every five seconds to see what’s going on. he’ll ask hyun about it later, pry and try to make himself more useful than anyone here.

joowon makes his way to the kitchen first, entering jaehyun’s space by handing him a few stray ladles from the stove.

“thanks for moving me earlier.” it’s hard to say it without the pang of annoyance he feels that yunho’s taken his spot. but he is grateful, jaehyun knows how hard it’s been for him to get rest lately, the least joowon can do is say thank you. jaehyun’s response is a hum and a reach past him in order to wipe down the counter.

‘what are you talking about?’ is what he says once he’s done and drying his hands. “from the couch? you moved me to the bedroom.” joowon half expects jaehyun to deny it, to do what he always does when he doesn’t want to take credit for all he does to care for them. hard to do when he’s in an apron and the exact reason the kitchen and surrounding area isn’t a pigsty. but jaehyun’s facial expression isn’t quite that, it’s pure confusion. ‘I'm not the one to thank.’

so that’s strange. instead of pressing further, jowown’s spent enough time to know when the elder isn’t lying. dumbfounded he moves towards the couch, laying his elbow deep in yunho’s shoulder. 

“I never thought you’d be strong enough to move me but thanks.” ‘funny of you to assume I’d even think about moving you.’

joowon’s relationship with yunho is - strange. yunho is older but anyone looking in on them might assume the opposite and might even assume the tension between them is more than sibling rivalry. that’s all it is though, if there’s anyone who might understand him the most, it’s yunho. taewoon is good at handling them, jaehyun is always good at talking but yunho gets it because the emotions are the same, even fi conveyed differently. that’s where the disconnect comes but other than that it’s always bickering with them, no malice in sight. even now when joowon doesn’t lift his elbow and yunho shoots him a glare. 

it’s weird though, because if yunho hadn’t done it. that leaves hyun and hyemi, and he’s sure he doesn’t walk in his sleep. but hyun is definitely not strong enough to lift him, not matter how much soup they’ve been loading him with and hyemi? well it doesn’t make sure for hyemi to care about his wellbeing like that.

as if he can read minds yunho nudges joowon off to get his attention, ‘the ones you should thank are right there.’

so, joowon should thank the stars he’s not a detective because he’s bad at this. second, the more he replays the past few seconds, the more warmth starts to bloom in his chest. hyemi’s sleeves are still rolled up, she and hyun had given him small glances when he’d made his way to the kitchen. neither had said anything and if joowon were more invested he’d have seen the smiles, the looks, remembering the scent that’s to different from hyun’s own lingering close to his clothes. 

but he’s only known routine when it’s their group, so the tendency is to block hyemi out and try to fit hyun somewhere, anywhere. yunho’s acceptance of her place with them had begun with hostility and then quiet, reserved and just a little catty. for joowon, he’s never too outward with his expression, his worry of hyemi taking away the one thing he’s been wishing for since he’d regained part of his memories. he’s been smiling, hesitant to be in their space, share their space. now though, he’s sure he has no other option. hyun trusts her, in ways that the others might not be able to but that’s not their call. in the same way hyemi doesn’t trust them in the way hyun might. in the way they want hyun to.

joowon turns to them finally, and scoots his way between yunho and hyun to wrap his arms around the younger’s head and rub his fist into his hair. the statics that spark up tickle and joowon is quick to hide them in his sweatshirt while the younger squirms. a light in the kitchen flickers and he hears jaehyun call his name once before he relents.

“when’d you get so strong, you’re lifting me and tucking me into bed what a prince.” hun’s face is red, ducked further into the screen of his computer and joowon laughs. it’s loud, genuine and fond. and he uses that to finally turn to hyemi. “thank you, for earlier.”

‘it’s not a big deal.’ hyun’s mumbling the words and joowon’s chest tightens, the urge to hold the younger close is strong. he turns and finds hyemi has the same look on his face.

it begins with a ‘hey’-- and becomes, much, much more.

the first comes at six in the morning, between subway cars and countless stops. only motion fills the space: shuffling feet, the whine of the subway across the rails, overhead announcements gradually fading into static. she can’t stand the silence and reaches out first, peering at the hooded figure beside her and gently taps his shoulder. finds his eyes with a smile breaching the sleepy haziness of her own. 

hey, she says quietly. glances down at the ink tracing the back of his hand.

it’s beautiful.

he’ll have ample time to mull over her words, but not enough to say much else-- the doors whoosh open and the seat beside him empties. the moment is gone in a blink of an eye, and so is she.

the second is unintentional. a chaotic summer day marks her visit home, arms full with carefully-wrapped packages and loose handwriting, gifts she’d accumulated in preparation for her homecoming. a small dip in the road is all it takes to send them flying, dispensed on the street in front of her as she lands painfully on her palms and knees. she’s reaching for one, wincing, ow, ow-- when someone lowers themself beside her and hands her one of the now-dented boxes. the hand is unmistakeable, and so is the face in front of her. hey, she blurts, and he looks startled by the exclamation. uncertain. remember me? 

and in spite of the prickling pain, she smiles again.

the third follows a month concluded in disarray, flurries of phone calls and incheon airport welcoming her back with open arms. even with familiar sights and faces, she’s left feeling unsettled and anxious. it’s as if the past couple of months have left her unprepared for the permanence. as if she’s been spinning and spinning, and left in a standstill, dazed and breathless. home is uncomfortably close, yet out of reach. 

too many drinks. she’s still dizzy when she finds a spot by the river, clutching at her knees. too drunk to notice when she attracts the attention of someone she hasn’t seen for a long, long time.

hey. this time he’s the first to speak up. hey, footsteps growing closer, are you crying?

‘m not!

okay.

it’s his hands that press a tissue against her cheek, then his back to her when he promises not to look. his silence, fuller than any of the sounds around them. 

Breath catches in the back of his throat as he turns another corner, feet slamming against metal as he climbs the fire escape tethered to the wall with stairs too fragile and holdings too nimble. He can hear the rough shouts of his attackers further down the alley, knowing that he wouldn’t survive if they got their hands on him. He already has a number of purpling bruises from the punches that had landed, along with a cut that bled down the side of his face, trickling to the tip of his chin. The boy was in no condition to face his aggressors, so instead, he finds his fists slamming against the first window he reaches, mouthing “open up, help me!” as best as he could. Every few seconds, he spared the alley under him a look over his shoulder, counting down the seconds till they would figure out where he’d weaselled his way into. “Please, help!”

“you’re standing in the way.”

hyemi assumes this is the kind of reaction he’s been expecting, based off the way he reacts. of course, nothing ever comes easily and when he doesn’t falter, the woman’s eyes narrow in annoyance at the way he presents himself with no regard for the people that surround him. even in a place like this, she thinks, respect is something you can and should come across. but certainly not when it comes to the boy standing in front of her.

the reality of it all is that hyemi is tired of running into the same old face again and again. the occasions differ each time and while she knows them to be nothing but coincidences, it irritates the female in a way she doesn’t know how to describe. crossing her arms is both a defense mechanism and a way to shield herself from the cold that’s been plaguing the streets of seoul for the past few weeks. the thin leather jacket she’s wearing does little to keep her out of harm’s way and while she has no intention of staying around for long enough to witness him wrapping her up in a discussion, the female sways a little.

it’s the fatigue, she tells herself. not the biting cold or the way he looks at her like he’s annoyed that she has the nerve to talk back. she hardly ever does with most people; hyemi is content with letting silence linger in place of an answer but something about hwiyoung has her on edge; she has no way of knowing what exactly it is that drives her into such behavior but she’s already alerted now and that’s enough for her to respond in such a straightforward manner.

“you’re not welcome here,” she adds calmly. and suddenly, she’s hyperaware of the scarf that’s knotted a little too tightly around her throat. and even though she’s already forcing herself to disregard all the concerning thoughts that bubble up inside of her mind, the girl manages to present herself as steadily as possible. “the last time you were here, you caused a ruckus. it scared customers away.” the explanation is nothing she owes him but one given anyway; deep down, she wonders what he’ll make of it. if he’ll bother to listen to her words at all. he’s never seemed the type to truly listen, anyway.

“go home, hwiyoung.” his name still tastes a little too foreign in her mouth. “you know the rules and you broke them. let me pass. keeping me here won’t do you any good.”

he’s not sure what leads him here, what thought culminates in him planting himself in front of her workplace, bright smile on his face as he eyes her. hwiyoung knows exactly what he’s doing, can read her face and see the annoyance written there before she even opens her mouth, but that didn’t matter.

“ah, hyemi! imagine seeing you here.” he laughs a little, hand rubbing at the back of his neck as though he’s a shy, anxious boy talking to a girl for the first time. that was partly the truth, but his rendition was anything but. “we just can’t stay away from each other, huh?” he tacks that on just to annoy her, almost enjoying the disappearance of her usually happy demeanor.

he takes in the way she’s standing, notes the brisk air and nearly considers offering her his jacket. he realizes she probably wouldn’t accept it and doesn’t bother in the end, shoving his hands into his pockets. he hadn’t realized how cold they’d gotten until he thought about it and his fingers ached inside his pockets. hwiyoung briefly questions why he’s standing there still bothering her, wonders what it is that keeps him so interested in her reactions and itching for more.

the blonde merely tilts his head when she speaks again, face twisting into a pitiful show of shock and sadness.

“oh, i see.” he nods to himself, brows knitting together, not meeting her eyes. “i was just trying to have fun, y’know, not hurt anybody’s feelings or anything.” he kicks at the ground gently, slowly lifting his head up to catch her gaze, now sporting a small pout.

“home is cold and lonely.” he mutters, tacking on a shiver for good measure. “i know i caused a lot of trouble last time but...” he hesitates, a tear rolling down his cheek, “i can be good this time if you let me, i promise!” 

it’s all a lie. in reality, he wondered if there was anything he could pocket inside, though the chances of him getting away with that with hyemi’s watchful eye would be slim, it was worth the thought. his eyes flicker to the ground again and he sniffles, hands coming up to rub at his eyes.

( kkt: ksy ) i thought auburn would look nice? ( kkt: ksy ) auburn or like - honey chili pepper? ( kkt: ksy ) and then you do purple and we’re like spicy peanut butter and jelly? ( kkt: ksy ) kinda weird but not that bad together? ( kkt: ksy ) am I making sense 

so, she knows she’s not. she knows she hasn’t really made sense of the entire situation yet. it’s also for different reasons but areum’s not sure how to handle those either. she was blank when it happened, she’s not so blank now, on herself but she’s blank still when it comes to him. to soonyoung now and how she’s a little clearer about herself and that’s way too clear than she’s comfortable with.

everything was good until she had to think about the confession. everything was good until she stayed up and wanted someone to talk to but only wanted to talk to him. everything was good until he invaded her thoughts and not in the oh let’s bother soonyoung way. in ways that made her shrivel up and scream into her pillow.

that’s why she’s using awkward analogies as her fingers are running over the screen while her friend who agreed to do her hair at the salon for free, is laughing at her misfortune. 

of course, areum can only keep this up for so long. and well,

“the real question is     ” she’s all bark and no bite (ahyeon distinctly remembers kihyun telling her to quit doing this: prying and clawing, that is. she doesn’t, out of concern, mostly. if someone asks her, she’ll retreat a little, though. if only for personal sake) and that’s okay. she’s not one to corner people as they do her, most of the time at least. it’s younger students, and she’s chosen to be like this so there’s no reason to bite off a confused head.

confusion doesn’t taste good anyway and she finds she has to hold back the laughter threatening to erupt within her at the wonwoo’s way of asking a simple question. am i? she wants to ask him what he’d do if she wanted to. never seen this before, huh?

(it’s only so much fun until she notices she sounds kind of like an asshole.)

so she swallows the childish amusement and overcoats it with an expression as serious as daybreak, trying to regather the pieces that are spilled across the floor: some parts are laughing, others are waiting for ahyeon to slip up and let out a joke in an attempt to lighten the situation. she’s known for this, it’s one of the reasons people seek her out but everyone fails once in a while and while she’s never liked the taste of losing, it gets funny to be at the other end of the side when you don’t think too hard about it.  

wonwoo still looks confused at ahyeon’s lack of a proper reaction so she opens up like a flower again. bright and ready to smack a smile on those features.

“     i haven’t seen you since exams started and this is how you greet me? i’m shocked.”

There are times, weeks at a time, when he feels as though his mind is not even his own. There’s always something off about the way his mind works -- like it’s working to keep him out, when he’s supposed to be the only one in. As if all his organs are working on the same note, while his brain the only one off beat. He may know shit about music theory, but he knows dissonance when he sees it, and he’s caught up in it all, between the obstruction and construction of waves not wanting to align. 

“Sorry.” He blurts out, word over matter, matter over mind.

“It’s been a long week. I didn’t mean to sound...” He’s searching even now, unable to navigate through it all. Whatever all was, anyway. “...like a wall. Or whatever.” There’s still too much noise to hear. “If that makes... any sense.” He washes over his face with a hand, blinking his eyes a couple of times to look at her.

And somewhere amongst the mess, stands Ahyeon, pulling him out above the sound.

( @consilian )

Dear Ms. Ahyeon,

I apologize for the time it took to get back to you. I told Kihyun to discuss the situation with you but it appears he had some things to attend to. To put it simply, I wanted to apologize for the grading I gave you on your presentation. I had no idea of the circumstances surrounding your project and your partnership with Kihyun. He’s come to me and apologize and spoken about the duties he neglected, which I must say is surprising given what I’ve heard about him from other teacher. Anyway, I have decided to scrap the grade, if you’d like to send me the presentation again with just your contribution I will gladly grade it fairly. Or if you’d like me to give you makeup small assignment to replace the grade that is acceptable. Once again I apologize, I did not realize the situation you were in. Kihyun has already stopped by my office and spoken to me but if you’d like to discuss in person that is acceptable. I hope your semester ended well, please let me know so I can adjust the grades before they become final!

Sincerely,