Nikki was your best friend, or at least used to be your best friend. You had grown up on the same street, just a couple houses in between yours. Both in childhood and in your adult life, you were inseparable. If you were missing, they’d only had to find Nikki, and if Nikki was missing, they’d only had to find you.

Ian, your… boyfriend, brought you to the bar. He had commented on how well your ass looked in your dress when you had gotten in his car. The comment didn’t make you happy in the slightest. You didn’t like Ian, absolutely not in a romantic way. There was one reason, and one reason only you decided to date him, and it wasn't because of you nor him.

Because of Ian’s shitty time frame, you arrived last at the bar. Sarah, Nikki and Bear were already seated at a corner booth when you came in. Sarah and Bear waved enthusiastically for you and Ian to come over, calling your names, but you didn’t look at them. You looked at the quiet girl next to Bear, and the arm around her. It had been two months since Nikki and Bear had come out as a couple. Sarah and Ian had cheered for Bear because he had finally gotten the girl he had pined over since high school, but you didn’t cheer for him.  It felt so absurdly wrong to you. Sarah and Ian had cheered for Bear because he had finally gotten the girl he had pined over since high school, but you didn't cheer for him. It felt so absurdly wrong to you. Nikki had always denied him any romantic interest, so why? Why had she gotten interested? After what had happened between you just days before she started dating him? 

Your parents had arranged a family dinner, and of course Nikki was invited. She was always invited to family events. After dinner, when both of you had gotten a little bit too wine drunk, you had decided to walk to the playground, just two neighbourhoods away from your old street. You and Nikki had spent endless hours there as kids. On the way over you two had skipped together and danced, all while holding hands, on the empty streets. You were over the moon. You always loved when it was just the two of you. 

As you sat on the swings, Nikki drunkenly slurred out, “I love you, Y/N.” You laughed and replied, “I love you too, Nikki,” but Nikki’s facial expression didn’t carry a similar smile as yours. It had a frown. “No, Y/N. I love you,” and then it clicked for you. This wasn’t a drunken cheer for friendship. This was something real. That something real that had lingered between you and Nikki since you were teenagers. For the last five years of your friendships, things hadn’t been exactly strictly platonic. You had started cuddling in ways friends didn’t do. You had started complimenting each other in ways friends didn’t do. You had started to notice small details about each other in ways friends didn’t do. You did so many things that friends didn’t do, but not in public. Never in public, not if you couldn’t brush it off as just being close friends.

“You’re drunk,” you answered, mumbling while looking down on the sand beneath you. “It doesn’t matter. I love you,” she retorted, in that way only she did, and stood up from her swing beside yours; pulling you up from your swing and hugged you. Nothing about that hug was platonic, not the way her hands crawled around your shoulders and your arms hugged her waist. You both hummed into that hug. You had felt so warm in it that late summer evening. Nikki’s touch was the warmest, softest thing you knew. 

After a while, you two went back to your parents’ place. You two were both too drunk to drive so you had crawled into your childhood bed. “You’re so warm,” you mumbled into her tank top, smiling droopily. She chuckled at that and replied, “I’ll keep you warm forever, baby.”

That was why it felt so wrong. You had been so much more than friends and just days after telling you she loved you, cuddled with you in your childhood room and called you ‘baby’; she had gotten with someone else. You were so completely hurt by that. Sure, you had been afraid to date a girl, but you would’ve done it for her if she’d just asked. That was why you had started dating Ian. He was the perfect candidate for you. Both you and Nikki had been friends with him for so long, and it wouldn’t be so blatantly obvious that you’d be with him to stir shit. You wanted her to be jealous, for her to come back to you; but it hadn’t gone as planned. She hadn’t broken up with Bear. The only thing that had happened was you growing distant to each other.

Nikki often thought about that night too, but she couldn’t think of that anymore. She had someone else. That someone had his arm around her proudly at that moment. She knew she had fucked up by telling you that she loved you that night, because you were a risk. A risk she had been too afraid of taking. Everything felt too much with you. You overwhelmed her in a way no one else could, and yet most importantly, you were a girl and girls weren’t supposed to love other girls.

The night moved on. Bear, Sarah and Ian talked about everything from heaven to earth, laughing like they were having the time of their lives, but you couldn’t. The only thing you could think about was how your and Nikki’s knees occasionally bumped into each other’s. It felt like scorching fire every time. Your bodies had always had that way of moving towards the other’s, especially since everything started five years ago, and you hated that. To retaliate against that, you leaned into Ian on the other side of you. You wanted a reaction from her. A reaction that said ‘No, you’re mine’ but you didn’t get that. The only thing you got was a small frown on her face. That could’ve meant absolutely anything. 

You could see Ian in your peripheral vision, an annoying smirk falling onto his face. His hand crawled onto your waist and then fell lower and lower so it was practically on your bum. Ew. You hated that. Sure, you could appreciate a little PDA in a relationship, but this was too much, especially from a person you didn’t even like. 

Ian had left your table and you couldn’t bring yourself to mind. His possessive touch had made you want to puke all night. “Y/N, don’t turn around,” Sarah said, looking behind you. You, never the one to listen to anyone when they told you to not look or be discreet, turned around and when you did, you wished you wouldn’t. Behind the crowds of people, you saw Ian with his tongue down another girl’s throat. It didn’t make you jealous, because frankly, you never liked him, but you felt humiliated. You had come here with a guy, who you were clearly in a relationship with, and he had embarrassed you by ignoring you and made out with someone else. Strangers were looking at you with pity, like you were supposed to be heartbroken, and you hated it. “I’m gonna go,” you said as you slipped out from the table and went out.

Nikki had noticed Ian at the same time you did and she wanted to punch him into oblivion. How could anyone ever treat you like that? That you were just something to throw away? But her attention changed when you left. She had to find you. You were probably heartbroken and she couldn’t leave you like that. 

She had gotten up, not saying a word, and started her search for you. With the big groups of people, she had a hard time seeing you. Both you and her were really short, you even shorter than her, so she couldn’t possibly see you behind all the people. She squeezed between the crowd, not caring about the annoyed groans from behind you. It didn’t matter. You were her… best friend after all. 

You had gone out on the parking lot in the pouring autumn rain, trying to call a taxi down. You just wanted to go home, forget everything about the night. Forget about Ian, the strangers looking at you with pity, and her. You didn’t want to remember any of it. 

“Y/N,” you heard behind you, from the one person you wanted least to hear from. When you turned around, she stood barely a metre away, a little out of breath, “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling,” Nikki said with that caring tone, like she cared about you. You snapped at that, all the emotions from the evening collapsing down on you. Your finger was pointed into her chest. “You have no right to come here and ask anything! You don’t know me at all!” That was what your mind said, but not your heart. You knew you were lying. No one in this world would ever know you as well as she did. She knew your body and mind, in and out. “Y/N,” she sighed while rubbing her eyes, clearly confused and lightly annoyed by your irritation. “Just listen to me. I’m not here to stir some shit. I’m here for you!” “No, I won’t listen to you. I don’t want to hear another word coming from your mouth. I’ve loved you for over five years and then you started parading around with Bear like we didn’t mean anything,” your voice broke midsentence, “like I didn’t mean anything.” A tear rolled down your cheek as you had admitted that. You and Nikki had never put a name on what had been going on between you, but now you had. You had said the word that never had come out of your lips, ‘love’, and what a word that was. Both of you froze for a second when that word had left your lips, but as soon as your senses came back to you, you ran. You didn’t know where you were going, you just ran. It was almost impossible to tell the difference between your tears and the raindrops that had fallen off your face. You were so stupid. Firstly, you had believed she loved you. Secondly, you had moped after her when she suddenly got with Bear and thirdly, you had gotten with Ian, the classic fuckboy, just to piss her off but he fucking cheated right in front of your eyes, like you didn’t matter. You didn’t matter to him. You didn’t matter to Nikki. You didn’t matter to anyone.

Nikki didn’t know what to do. The love of her life, the girl she had quietly loved for years, had just admitted what had forever been between you and then you had bolted, like you couldn’t stand even being in her presence for a second longer. She was so distraught by everything going on. As her face filled with tears and her knees gave up on her, falling to the ground, she could only wonder, what had gone so wrong. If you just had stayed together after that night, like one instead of distant halves, then nothing of this would’ve happened. If you both just hadn’t been so scared of liking another girl, then she wouldn’t have gotten with Bear, and she surely would’ve swept you off your feet and called you her own for the rest of your lives. She knew you craved it, as much as she did. She wanted to run after you, hold you down, and admit everything that had ever been on her mind. How beautiful you looked with your hair down. How sweet you were when you read all her drafts, nodding absentmindedly in approval. How holding you, feeling your warmth, was the only thing that felt right, that felt like home in such a cold world. But she couldn’t run after you. The only thing she could do was cry.

You didn’t know how long you had run, but long enough for your fingers to lose sensation by the cold and wet rain. Your breath ran out as you approached a street light on the pavement, to recover your breath, you decided to lean back on it. As you tried to calm down; to recover your senses, you closed your eyes for just a second. Just one second. One second too long. You didn’t see the car until lights flashed through your eyelids and everything became dark. You felt it hurt, like you had been endlessly stomped on your chest. It felt harder to breathe, but that lasted for only a millisecond before you lost your other senses too. 

As Nikki sat outside, becoming completely soaked by the rain, Bear and Sarah came out the backdoor, seemingly looking for her and you. She had always been by your side when you were going for a rough patch, that wasn’t a secret to anyone. They probably thought that you would be there together, but you weren’t. Nikki was the only one left, kneeling and crying unconsolably. Bear crouched down beside her, clearly worried. “What happened?” He asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. His touch felt like fire on Nikki’s bare skin and she couldn’t help pulling away from it. She didn’t want his touch. She only wanted you. She wanted to cuddle with you on her couch, laughing at some stupid movie, just like you used to do. Not a single word came from her, just sobs, until a single word came out, “Y/N”, and that was it. No more words were needed. She couldn’t even consider saying another word than your name, like it would solve everything. Like the past months would just go away and you would be back by her side, as if everything were okay. She didn’t know that you laid out on some street, approximately two kilometres away, unconscious and hurt. 

“What happened, Nikki?” Sarah tried that time, with a softer voice than Bear had. At the sound of someone, someone who hadn’t messed everything between you and her up, Nikki whimpered out, “She left. I don’t know where.” As those words came out, Nikki saw how Sarah and Bear only grew more confused, like they couldn’t grasp why she would be so distraught by that. “It will be okay. She probably just went home. It has been quite a night for her. We’ll take you home too, Nikki, so you can go to sleep. You can call her tomorrow,” Sarah said, with that same soft tone, and although Nikki wanted to argue, argue that she didn’t want to go home; that she only wanted you, it would be no help. She was probably the last person you wanted to talk to, so she didn’t say anything. She let Sarah and Bear help her to Bear’s car. They sat her down in the passenger seat while her sobs calmed down. 

The car ride was eerily quiet. Everyone was too much in their own thoughts. Nikki’s head only circulated back to your words. If she had been quicker to reply after your outburst, maybe you wouldn’t have run away. Maybe you would’ve been beside her, so she could comfort you and beg for your forgiveness over and over again. That choosing Bear, the safe option, was wrong and that her heart belonged to you and only you.

Through the rearview mirror, Nikki could spot Sarah with her usual thinking face, like Sarah was trying to figure out what had left you and Nikki so shattered. It was no secret that you had a tendency of running away and hiding, and even if you and Nikki had grown more distant recently, you had never run away from her before, and that was what Sarah probably thought of. 

In the corner of her eye, she could spot Bear glancing over at her multiple times, like he was searching for something. Something she didn’t have to give him.

Bear drove Sarah home first. The silence was interrupted by Sarah getting out of the car, saying through the open window on Nikki’s side, “Thank you for the ride, Bear,” before turning to Nikki, “I’m sure she’s fine, Nikki. She probably just wants to be alone for now.” Nikki only hummed in response. She didn’t want you to be alone, especially when she wasn’t sure you were safe and sound. Sarah tried to give her a comforting smile but Nikki looked away, down on her own shaking legs, so she redirected her smile towards Bear instead. In the corner of Nikki’s eyes, she could tell how both Bear and Sarah’s eyes had softened at each other but she didn’t pay mind to that. How could she when the only thing she could think about was you?

As Bear pulled away from Sarah’s house, he finally let out a “I think you should come home with me tonight. I don’t want you to be alone when you’re like this.” After hearing that, Nikki snapped, her quiet demeanour all gone. “No. I don’t want to go with you. I only want Y/N. I was so stupid for trying to hide who I was, who I am. I shouldn’t have done this. It’s not fair to either of you.” Words that she had been hiding for so long just poured out. “I love her, Bear. And I’ve been so mean to both of you. I thought that I could be the perfect, ordinary woman if I chose you instead. That everything would be better this way but it isn’t fair to anyone. Not you, not Y/N, not me.” Bear physically flinched at her words. This was probably what he had been searching for. The answer for why she didn’t want to cuddle with him or kiss him. The reason why she had pulled away earlier. Why this relationship probably felt one-sided for him. After a breath, Bear asked, with his heart on his sleeve, “did you ever love me?”, and that was the first time during this car ride that Nikki looked at him, truly looked at him. She saw the hurt in his eyes, the same hurt that she had seen earlier this night. “I love you platonically, Bear, but I don’t think I’m able to love you anymore than that. I’m sorry,” she said. She regretted everything even more. She had always known she’d hurt Bear if he ever got to know her real feelings, but she couldn’t help it. She loved you more. She always wanted to be close to you and feel your hands on her body but she had never wanted that with Bear. She thought that she could’ve just learned to yearn for it, as much as she yearned for you but she couldn’t, and nothing in the world would ever change that. 

“It’s okay. We can be friends if you’d like,” Bear said, but she heard the hurt tone that he was trying to hide. “I’d like that,” Nikki almost whispered in reply, but continued even more quietly, “if you could even consider being my friend after this.” She looked away from Bear, not being able to see his reaction. Bear had always been one of her closest friends, like a brother she never had and now she had destroyed that. Bear reached over to quickly squeeze her thigh before putting his hand back on the steering wheel. “I won’t lie, this hurts like a bitch and it might take time for this to heal, but you are one of my best friends, Nikki. I would like to be friends again.” He was too kind for his own good, Nikki thought. She deserved him screaming at her for playing with his emotions like that, but he was too kind for that. “I’m sorry,” Nikki said as they could see her house in the distance. Bear waited until the car was parked by the curb outside the house until he replied, “I know.” He took a breath before continuing, “This will take time, but I’m sure we’ll be fine, somehow.” A tear threatened to escape Nikki’s eye once again and she quietly asked, “Can I give you a hug?” “You can always give me a hug, Nikki,” Bear replied and put his arms around her. Small, quiet tears left both of their eyes as they hugged. For Nikki, they were tears of regret but also from the platonic love that existed between them. She knew how much this hurt him to hear, but she knew that this hadn’t been a secret well kept. She was certain that he knew, somewhere in his heart, that her heart wasn’t his. She could tell it by the way he had looked at her after refusing his affection. No matter what he did, he couldn’t win her over, and she at least hoped that the friendship they had had before could return. That he would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. She felt his lips on her forehead, as they lingered. A kiss that said good-bye for both of them. Nikki let her grip slip after a while and got out of the car. She leaned through the car door and said, “I’m sorry,” before closing it after her and headed inside. 

As she closed her front door, she could hear Bear’s car rolling away. She hated how much she had fucked up. She had fucked up with you, by not being able to love you openly, and she had fucked up with Bear, by playing with his emotions, and right now, she didn’t know if she had anyone left. She didn’t know if you or Bear would be able to forgive her. Bear had said he’d try, and that was to some comfort but it wasn’t a confirmation that he would stay around, and you… You, who she had no idea where you were. The woman her heart desired for. She had been so stupid by pushing you away, the one that had always been there for her. She wanted to call you, but she didn’t know if she could, so she texted Sarah instead.

Nikki

“Have you heard from her?”

Sarah

“No, let her cool off for the night, she’ll probably call you tomorrow.”

Nikki couldn’t argue with that. Even if all she wanted was to hold you and tell you how much she loved you back, she knew this wasn’t the time to talk.

“It’s never good to talk to someone directly after an argument,” you hummed at the movie you and she were watching on her couch. Nikki had her arm around you and you had rested your head on her chest. “Why not? Isn’t it better to go to bed having resolved everything rather than waiting it out?” She asked, looking down at you. Your way of thinking seemed absurd to Nikki. How could you think that a night of restless sleep would be better than to solve everything beforehand? “If you take it in the morning, both of your minds would be a lot clearer. You’d have time to figure out how to say what you were thinking in another way,” you hummed once again, saying it like it was as clear as the fact that the grass was green. Nikki pondered over it for a while. Now that you had said it, it didn’t seem so weird anymore. “You are smarter than you look,” Nikki had teased you, ruffling your hair. “Shut up. I look as smart as I am,” you replied, with a feigned offended tone. “Of course, you do, Y/N. Of course, you do.”

Sarah’s reply had reminded her of that instance, and maybe you were right. She should probably let you be for the night, no matter how desperate she felt. If there was a risk of pushing you away further by calling, she would push her own feelings aside just for this night. Just to let you think it all through.

Nikki tried to get some rest for the night but her thoughts lingered back to you every time she let her mind stray away. She could see your sweet little smile, feel your warmth beside her, but it was only in her head. You weren’t there with her. She was all alone. 

Nikki woke up the next day by her phone ringing. She practically jumped up, with the belief that it was you, but only got met with confusion. The phone showed a picture of you, Nikki and your mom from a vacation a few years ago. It wasn’t you who were calling, it was your mom. In groggy confusion she answered and lifted her phone to her ear. “Hello?”

“Oh, Nikki,” came through the other line, mixed with quiet sniffling. “What is it, Andrea? Has something happened?” Nikki’s voice sounded as panicked as she felt. Sure, your mom called her once in a while. Your mom had declared her as a second daughter when you and Nikki were still kids, but she had never called with this saddened voice. “Y/N,” your mom’s voice broke, before continuing, “she was in an accident last night. A drunk driver hit her while she was walking home.” Your mom sobbed out and Nikki’s heart stopped. No, no, no. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t upset you last night, you wouldn’t have left the bar alone. You would be safe at home, probably still sleeping, snoring that cute, quiet, little snore that always amused Nikki every night you had spent together. Y/N, Nikki’s Y/N, the one who Nikki would fight God herself for, was hurt, possibly even… 

“How is she?” Nikki said, almost slurring on her words by how fast she was speaking. She had to rule out the worst, that it wasn’t over. That you wouldn’t have left this world, not knowing that she loved you too, that she adored every part of you. “It’s not looking so good. She’s in surgery. They said something about punctured lungs and almost a completely shattered leg. She almost died out there,” your mom continued sobbing, but took a breath to continue. “She’s still in operation. Mike and I have been here all night.” Nikki thanked whatever higher power that you had at least survived, but you were still far out of the woods. Something, anything could go wrong, and she would lose you forever. “Where are you?” came out of Nikki’s lips, not as hastily as before, as the shock wave had mostly passed, but not calm, not calm in the slightest. “Cedars. Please come. I think she would want you here,” and that was the breaking point. Tears started to roll down Nikki’s cheek. Of course, she would be there. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Nikki tried to pull herself together before answering, “I’m on my way.” 

In a matter of minutes, Nikki got dressed and ran out to her own car in her driveway. The sight of the fluffy two pandas hanging from her rearview mirror made her chest feel even tighter. 

The friend group had visited an amusement park and had the most fantastic day, even if it stung in everyone’s wallets. At the end of the day, you had seen a claw machine with the two cutest pandas you had ever seen. “They are just like us,” you had said to Nikki, pointing them out. Nikki had only laughed at you, “What resemblance do we have with pandas?” “You see the one to the right. It looks grumpy, just like you, and the one to the left looks all fun and happy, just like me.” You teased her, and she only playfully rolled her eyes at that. She thought you were really cute whenever you did stuff like this. When you pointed at things and said ‘that’s so us’, but she would never admit that out loud. “I’m gonna win them,” you had said determinedly and almost immediately pulled out a quarter to play. Once again, Nikki rolled her eyes at you, but this time more affectionately. 

You tried again and again to win them, but failed each and every time. “I’m out of quarters,” you mumbled, clearly disappointed. You had wanted to win them so badly but now you were out of luck. Nikki didn’t like that small frown forming on your face. She would win those damn bears if it was the last thing she’d do, just to see you smile again. It only took her two tries until she got them, smiling proudly at you while handing them over. “For you,” she exclaimed, and before she knew it, your arms were around her. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” You cheered and left a small kiss on her cheeks. She would never admit to blushing that time, but she had definitely blushed. 

When it was time to go home, you and Nikki waved good-bye to the others and headed to her car, those pandas clutched tightly in your hand. As you sat down in the passenger seat, you let your grip on them go and reached up for the rearview mirror. “What are you doing this time then?” Nikki teased as she got in herself. “I’m hanging them here, so you’ll always think of me when you drive,” you answered in the same teasing manner.

And reminded her of you, it did. You, now in some OR, were fighting for your life. That memory seemed so distant but still so close. She nearly had to get out of the car to take a breather, but she didn’t have time for that. All she wanted was to be at your side as fast as possible. So, she ignored that feeling and drove as quickly as the laws prohibited, and a little faster than that, to the hospital. 

When she parked her car at the guest parking lot and looked up at the hospital, she couldn’t help the feeling of fear running down her spine. Last night, she had stupidly thought that you had gone home. That you were safe and sound, but you weren’t. You had been here, probably in surgery while she slept. 

When she hurried in, she went right to the reception. “Y/N Y/L/N, where is she?” The tired receptionist just sighed, like he had to do this all day, like he didn’t understand that the love of her life was on the cusp of death. “What’s your relationship to the patient?” He muttered out, and that made Nikki freeze. What were you to each other? You weren’t friends, you were more than that. You were best friends, yeah, but that wasn’t enough either. You had named whatever had been between you as love, just the night before, but it felt wrong to call you her girlfriend. You may be hers in every other way, but not formally. She settled for ‘best friend' and to her fortune, the receptionist accepted that answer, after another quiet sigh, and pointed her in the right direction. Her foot rushed forward, with the same hurry that she had before. The endless corridor almost threw her off. Where was she supposed to go again? But she heard a quiet sob further down the corridor. It was your mother. And before Nikki knew it, she started running, sprinting towards the noise. She spotted your parents sitting on some chairs outside a door that said ‘OR’. She could see the clear distress in your mom’s eyes, as your dad tried to comfort her even if he had tears rolling down his own cheeks. They looked up at her and rose up from the stools they had sat on. Their arms opened up to welcome her into the hug. Nikki dived right in. She had loved your parents like they were her own. They had welcomed her into your home every time she had problems with her own parents. Their touch made her finally break down. Tears started flooding down her face, just like it did from your parents. Even if your parents didn’t know that you two had a falling out, it felt like a safe place to land. 

After a while, your mom stuttered out, her voice completely broken. “They called in the middle of the night. She was hit. We’ve been here all night. We wanted to call you earlier but we wanted to let you sleep.” Nikki couldn’t care less about sleep if you were here. If she had the opportunity to be here the entire night, she would’ve. She would’ve sat next to your parents, waiting for the doctor to come out, telling them your status. If you were still…

“It’s okay,” Nikki sniffled back. It was somewhat of a lie. She would’ve wanted nothing more than to be here with you, but she couldn’t imagine what this situation would be like as a mother; a parent. Nikki used to call you her baby in a romantic way, but you weren’t her baby for real. You were your parents’ baby. As harsh as this felt on her, she couldn’t imagine how it was for them. 

The hug became silent after that. No words left either of them, just small sniffles. There were no words needed. She didn’t know how long it lasted, but it was interrupted by someone from behind her, clearing their throat. “For Y/N Y/L/N?” he asked. “Yeah?” Your dad sniffled out. “The operation went well. We’ve restored her lungs to the best of our abilities, and tried to repair the bones in her leg. We’re hoping it will heal nicely.” Nikki felt a breath that she didn’t even know she was holding leaving her.

“Where is she now?” Your dad was the only one with enough strength to speak up. The doctor sighed, “She’s on the way to a room in the ICU. She’ll be in an induced coma for a couple days, to help her recover.” Induced coma? So you would recover? That wasn’t what Nikki wanted. She wanted to go into the room; explain everything to you, see you smiling at her, but no. You would be unconscious for a couple days. “Can we see her?” your mom stuttered out. She seemed as desperate, if not even more, than Nikki was. “She’s in room 331, but I warn you. It may not be a pretty sight.” 

Nikki let your parents see you first, settling down in the hallway outside. As much as your parents had accepted her as their own, she didn’t want to intrude on their meeting of their daughter that almost died. Her mind wandered back and forth. What would you look like? How did you feel?

When your parents came out from your room, they tried to give her a smile of comfort. “You can see her if you’d like” and Nikki nearly ran out from the chair. She gave them a quick hug before walking in, but nothing could’ve prepared her for what she would see. 

You had a breathing mask on top of your beautiful face, bandages around your ribs and your leg was propped up in a cast. You looked so… broken and vulnerable. All she wanted was to pull it all away from you and drive you home, like it hadn’t happened, but she knew you needed this; needed to get well. She dragged her shaking legs towards the plastic chair beside your bed and sat down. “Y/n,” Nikki sniffled, “my baby.” Her hand rose towards yours, pale and cold. She flinched at first, because that wasn’t what she was used to. Sure, you had a habit of pressing your cold toes between her calves, practically using her as a human radiator but even your godforsaken toes weren’t that cold. You didn’t have that small smile when she touched you. You were just… there.

Her legs couldn’t stop shaking and she felt her breathing getting faster but she couldn’t tear her eyes off you. She saw the blood and grime under your nails and she so badly wanted to clean that away, to clear any traces of the night before.

A couple days went by while you were in your induced coma, but Nikki never left your side. She called in sick every shift she had at the store. What would money do if she didn’t have you with her?

Sarah came and visited you frequently. Sarah talked to you about everything; from childhood memories to what she had eaten for lunch that day. It warmed Nikki’s heart whenever Sarah would come around, because she knew how much that would’ve mattered to you if you knew.

“Remember when we went to Bear’s grandma’s cottage outside the city by the lake?” Sarah told you and chuckled a little. “You were a-game at fishing to everybody’s surprise. You cheered so loudly when you caught that gigantic fish, almost tipping the boat.” A tear rolled down Sarah’s cheek. She had been one of your best friends, and Nikki could tell that this had clearly hit her hard. “You insisted we should’ve cooked it for dinner, but neither one of us knew how to prepare a newly caught fish, so you let it go back into the water again.”

Nikki remembered that instance too, of you and your gigantic fish. She had a polaroid of you holding it somewhere in her mom’s house. What Sarah said was true, you had been so proud but ultimately let it go back into the water. After letting it go, Nikki had asked you, “are you okay?” which you had responded to with, “yeah, the fish probably deserved a better life than being our food.” Nikki, ever the sweetest, giving money to the homeless, felt proud of you that day. Even though you were so happy about catching that fish, you had let it go. 

Your smile that day, when you caught it lingered in her mind when Sarah interrupted her. “Maybe you should go home, Nikki,” Sarah gave an attempt of a comforting smile and continued, “go home, put some food in your stomach, have a shower and then come back.” “No,” was the only thing that left Nikki’s lips to that. How could Sarah even consider her going home? She had to be there, by your side, if anything happened. A quiet sigh left Sarah as she tried once again, “Nikki, Y/N would want you to take care of yourself,” and that nearly broke Nikki all over again. She knew that Sarah was right. You would want her to take care of herself, eat something more than the granola bars from the vending machine in the hallway; sleep more comfortably than leaning her head on the side of your bed, still clutching your hand as a lifeline. “I…” Nikki stuttered out before mumbling, “I don’t want her to be alone. I promised her parents…” Sarah interrupted her mid sentence, “She won’t be alone, she’ll have me. I promise to call if anything happens. For Y/N’s sake.”

Nikki lost that fight. She actually went home, showered, pushed down a frozen pizza and was on her way again. In reality, Nikki was probably gone for about an hour but to her it felt like an eternity. As much as she trusted Sarah with you, she wanted to be there herself. She longed for the touch of your hand, which had grown slightly warmer those last few days.

When she got back to your room, she saw a bouquet on the table beside you. It hadn’t been there before. Sarah, who sat in the same chair by your side as when she left said, “Bear dropped them off. He didn’t want to stay around.” Bear, who also had been your friend for years, had dropped off flowers for you, but didn’t want to stay around because of her. She knew that it would take time for him to forgive her, if he ever did, but she still felt guilty. As if she was a hindrance for him to pay his condolences to you.

Touch was the first sense that came back to you. You felt someone holding your hand. Where were you? What happened? The last thing you remembered was running. You had been publicly humiliated by Ian, the man that was supposed to be your boyfriend. Nikki had followed you out and tried to speak to you, but you had blurted out madly that you loved her and then ran. You had run, but what had happened after that? 

It disturbed you that you couldn’t open your eyes, couldn’t move your mouth or hear. You only felt that touch on your hand, and you knew that touch. You knew it better than anyone else’s. Nikki. She was there, the one you loved, but had broken your heart. She was right there beside you. You wanted to give her a sign that you felt her, that her being by your side meant more than anything; even if you were so mad at her, but you couldn’t. You were powerless. 

With enough force, like you had run a marathon with a car on your back, you managed to slightly twitch your finger. You tried everything to get her to know that you were here. You felt her hand grasp yours more tightly and heard mumbles. You wanted to hear her voice but it was good enough for that moment. She was here. What had happened, you didn’t know. Your body hurt like hell and you didn’t know where you were, but she was there with you. She had chosen you.

Nikki thought her mind was playing games when your hand twitched. She knew they had lowered your dose of medication, for you to wake up, but she had a hard time believing it would be so soon. It had only been two days since they had cut back, and they said it would take longer than that. Approximately three to four days, they’d said, not two. Either way, if her mind was playing games or not, she tightened the grip on your hand. “Y/N, can you hear me, baby?” she tried, stroking the back of your hand. A tear fell down her cheek as she continued, “I love you, baby. I’m so sorry. Please, come back to me. Come home.”

“Come home,” were the only words that you caught from the mumbling. “Come home.” What did she mean? You can’t recall anything after you ran. Where have you gone? A brightness, like the sun was right in front of you, hit you and you squinted. “Nikki?” left your lips, in a weak attempt to call out. “I’m right here, baby. I’m right here. It’s okay,” you heard. Her voice was shaky, like she was holding back tears. You felt her hand, that wasn’t holding yours, moving to stroke your hair. You tried to lean into her touch, but you didn’t know if you managed. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I love you.” If you had been in all your senses, you’d probably cry after hearing that. They were the words you had longed to hear for so, so long. “I… love… you,” you stuttered out to the best of your abilities. “Shhh, don’t strain yourself. Wait, I will call the doctor.” Doctor? What doctor? Where were you? In a hospital? You tried to grasp her hand, trying to keep her from leaving. It didn’t matter if you were mad and disappointed at her. You wanted her right by your side. You wanted her in every way at all times. “I’ll stay right here. I promise.”

A few days had passed once again and you had moved from the ICU to another part of the hospital. The doctors didn’t want to leave for another week at least, due to your situation, and you weren’t ready to go home, living on your own, just yet. Your memories had started to come back to you, what had happened after you ran away. It scared you a little, remembering the car hitting you and the darkness that had followed but you weren’t left to deal with it alone. Friends and family came and visited you. Your room was filled with flowers and ‘get well soon’ cards. You would lie if you said that you weren’t disappointed that Ian hadn’t shown up. Sure, you had dated him out of convenience and he had cheated on you, but you had been friends since high school. You thought that he would’ve cared about you enough to at least send some condolences. Maybe that he cheated on you showed you how he had never cared about you, not at all, just like you had thought that night. 

You had never voiced your thoughts about that to anyone, just like you and Nikki hadn’t gotten the time to talk about what had happened that night either. After waking up, you had convinced her to go back to work and she had quickly argued back. She’d told you that she would much rather be by your side, that you shouldn’t have to be in the hospital alone, but you had been stubborn. You didn’t want her to miss work just because of you. You weren’t exactly made of money. But because of that, you didn’t have time. At first you had been way too weak to have that conversation and after that you barely got to spend any time alone because of everyone coming and going. 

Bear and Sarah had come together and visited you once you had woken up when Nikki was out. They had told you everything you had missed these last days. Bear had told you what had happened between him and Nikki, and gave his blessing while trying to jokingly say, “if you hurt her though, I will hunt you down with a pitchfork.” It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was trying to hide his true emotion, but you didn’t prude around. Anyone would be hurt in his situation and you didn’t want to accidentally cause trouble between Nikki and him. They had been friends for so long and you knew how much they meant to each other, so you didn’t want to cause any drama.

It was evening, when Nikki came straight from work to the hospital. The sun outside was setting and you wanted to go out, and of course, Nikki couldn’t deny you that. She helped you from your bed down to your wheelchair, which you had because your body was still weak and your injury was too severe for crutches. As she rolled you down the corridors, out to the hospital garden, you struck conversation. “How was work?” you asked, looking back at her. “It was fine. The shift rolls way too slowly without you there,” she answered, as she kept her eyes on the hallway, trying her hardest to roll you around without being in the way. You hummed in reply, reading between the lines, and said “I missed you too.” Things hadn’t been awkward between you, even if you hadn’t talked about it. You acted like you were in a relationship without the title. It wasn’t like it had been before, before Bear and Ian. You weren’t ashamed anymore. You acted like you had done before, but in public. Neither of you minded when people saw the forehead or cheek kisses you did or when your touch lingered longer than friends did. 

When she had rolled you out, parking the wheelchair on the side of a bench, you sighed in relief as the sunlight hit your face. It was the first time you had been out since the accident and it felt so refreshing feeling the cold air filling your lungs. Nikki sat down on the bench beside you and took your hand in hers. It felt so right. Her touch always made everything feel better.

Nikki had hated going back to work, but she couldn’t deny you anything after the accident. She hated standing by the counter, not knowing how you were doing. She longed to talk about everything that had happened with you, tell you how sorry she was, but she was certain about one thing. She would never try to deny her love for you ever again. She would love you loud and proudly every second if you’d let her. Kissing your forehead and cheek in public felt weird at first but it felt so good to love you like that, so openly. 

“Nikki,” she heard you say. You sounded so soft, so vulnerable. “Yeah?” she asked back, intertwining your fingers together. “I was really hurt when you started to date Bear,” you mumbled, looking down in your lap. A quiet and broken sigh left her lips. It was time for that conversation. That conversation you had started that night. That conversation that was left unfinished. 

“I know, baby. I’m so sorry.” She probably should’ve planned what she would’ve said at that moment, but she hadn’t. She had only dreamt of what to tell you, not how, so she decided to tell you the truth; unfiltered, right from the heart.

“I was scared. I thought that I could push my feelings for you aside, like they didn’t matter. I tried to date Bear, but he wasn’t you. Every time he reached out, I wished it was you. I longed for your touch, your smell, your smile; you.” She could feel your fingers grasping tighter around hers. She felt so stupid after she had done that, but you seemed to love her enough. Love her enough to listen, to stay. “And when you started dating Ian, I thought it was over. I thought that I had lost you forever. And when that bastard cheated on you, I was so mad. I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but I prioritized you. I tried to comfort you, and when you said what you said that night, I didn’t know what to say. It felt so surreal hearing that you loved me the same way and I didn’t have time to answer before you left. I wanted to run out after you but I couldn’t and when I heard about your accident, I thought I’d lost you again. I was so scared.” Nikki teared up, while recalling that night. She couldn’t face you. She was too scared of your reply.  

You could see the tears forming in her eyes. You never wanted to see her cry. She had been in the wrong, yeah, but you had also messed up by trying to date Ian just to make her jealous. When she was done, you took your free hand and cupped her face, turning it to face you. Your fingers stroked her cheekbones as you said, “I know. I did wrong too. I only dated Ian to try to make you jealous. I loved you too and I was also scared. I thought that I wasn’t enough when you started dating Bear.” Nikki interrupted you quicker than you realised, “you’re enough. You are more than enough. You are everything.” A tear left your eyes too as you whispered, “If I forgive you, can you forgive me?” She didn’t reply to that, she didn’t have to. She put both of her hands on your cheeks and kissed you. Her lips were so soft and gentle against you. You had never kissed each other before. Sure, on the forehead or on the cheek but never like this, never on the lips. Nothing could ever compare to that feeling on her lips on yours. It was like coming home after years of yearning. You loved her more than anything. All her rights and wrongs, all of her.

Nikki felt the same way. She had yearned for you, just like you had yearned for her. She hadn’t been able to reply to her question, not with words. Kissing you was the first thing that had come to her mind and that was exactly what she did; and she couldn’t stop kissing you. You, in her arms, on her lips, were addicting and she never wanted to stop. 

When she heard your breathing getting heavy, she pulled away. She didn’t want to risk putting your strained lungs in any danger. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Nikki said, stroking your cheeks. “I’m the one who should be sorry,” she tried before you interrupted her “We both did wrong, Nikki.” You let out a breath and continued, “Can we start over? This time only us, together.” “You don’t even have to ask.”

It was finally time for you to head home from the hospital, and you had longed for it. You had missed the independence of choosing when you eat and sleep. You craved that independence but you knew you couldn’t be completely independent even if you got to go home. You were still in your wheelchair, and even if you had finally gathered enough strength in your body to roll yourself more than a few metres, you still needed help to get in and out from it. You couldn’t even really dress yourself fully, and it annoyed you to no ends. 

Nikki had offered to take you in during your recovery. Well, it hadn’t really been offering; more like begging. She had been insistent that you could come with her instead of your parents with excuses like that it was closer to town and she had a more flexible schedule than them. It warmed your heart because you had seen the look in her eyes, that warm look she had only reserved for you. She didn’t have to beg, because you had always wanted to go with her but didn’t want to ask first because you didn’t want to risk being a burden to her. When you had told her that, she had scoffed and teasingly said, “Sometimes you are so stupid, baby,” before turning into a softer tone. “I would take care of you for the rest of our lives if you needed it,” and left a soft kiss on top of your lips.

The sunrise shone through your hospital window as you laid in your bed watching Nikki, Bear and Sarah move up and down your room, trying to pack down all your belongings. You could touch the tension between Nikki and Bear. As far as you knew, they hadn’t talked to each other after that night, but they seemed to hold it together for you.

They asked you about each and every ‘get well’ card and the bouquets that had started withering. You didn’t care that much about them. Sure, it had been nice that friends and family had cared enough to leave you gifts, but at that moment, you were more enchanted by the girl stressing around, seemingly wanting everything to go perfectly. Her set jaw, that she only when the perfectionist side came out, was clear as day. You wanted to stroke her cheek, telling her that things didn’t have to be perfect, that you only wanted to go home with her but it felt wrong. It wasn’t hard to tell that Bear was still hurt by Nikki’s action and you didn’t want to rub Nikki and your new relationship right in his face.

It wasn’t hard for Nikki to hang out with Bear. She had wanted to be his friend, like they used to be, again and doing this, helping you together, made her feel like maybe he could actually forgive her one day. He had said it that night and you had told her about his teasing remark about you two, but actually being there with him made her feel like it wasn’t just words. It would take time and she had prepared for that but she hadn’t expected him to act so… normal?

Her thoughts were interrupted as her eyes caught yours looking at her. When looking at you she couldn’t help feeling her heart skip a beat. You looked so beautiful, even if you were in a hospital gown and had the biggest cast she had ever seen on your leg. She knew she had almost come out as pathetic, practically begging you to come with her, but she wanted it more than anything in the world. She had meant what she had said. She would take care of you in this state for the rest of both of your lives, just for you. The first time you had rolled yourself in your wheelchair, just maybe ten metres, towards her, she had nearly let a tear fall. You looked so tired and weak but you had powered through. It may not have been much in reality but she was the proudest person on the planet. No words could ever describe what she was feeling towards you. You were more than just the person who had hung the stars for her, you were the stars. You were the sun, moon and so much more than that. Anything you might need, she would give it to you on a silver platter. 

Nikki heard the conversation around her. Bear had said something that had made you and Sarah laugh and she saw something, a look from Sarah. A look towards Bear that Nikki herself had never been able to give him. A weird feeling rose in her heart. It wasn’t jealousy or anything like that. That look, she had seen it before, that night. Sarah had looked over at Bear with those exact same eyes, the same eyes Nikki looked at you with. Maybe… just maybe, it had been in front of her eyes all along and Bear would get a happy ending with a woman, just not with her. That feeling was nice. She wanted Bear to receive the love he had given her, even if she hadn’t loved him back, and a possible candidate was right before her eyes. 

It didn’t take long for Nikki, Bear and Sarah to pack, and that left only one task left, helping you get dressed. Nikki had brought a bag of clothes for you that sat beside your bed. It was her favourite sweater, the one you always used to steal, and a pair of loose sweatpants. “Are you ready to get dressed?” she asked you, walking over to your bed. She saw how your eyes twitched towards Sarah and Bear and it made her protective side flare up. That side of her wasn’t new to any means but it had grown after your accident. Her heart couldn’t deal with putting you in an uncomfortable position, especially in your then current state, and if that meant she needed to ‘man up’, she would. Unconsciously, she puffed up her chest and turned towards them. Sarah and Bear’s hands flew up in the air, like she held them at gunpoint, and Bear had yelped out a “We’ll go out” and quickly took the bags of your belongings out with them.

When she turned around to look at you again, she heard you chuckle, “Calm down, Nikki. They probably don’t want to see me naked either.” A huff of air left her lungs as she muttered, “I don’t care about that. I only want you to be comfortable and besides that, they don’t get the privilege to see you like that either.” She had learnt your body in an entirely different, more vulnerable way, after helping you with showering that last week you had spent in the hospital, and your body was the most beautiful yet vulnerable thing she’d ever seen. It wasn’t meant to be a show for anyone, it was just you in the most sacred version of yourself. To her muttering, you had only chuckled again and tried, to the best of your weakened state, to turn around and let her untie your hospital gown. Her hands moved slowly and softly to your back and carefully untied it. Your bruises had turned greener than when she had seen them last time. They were still there, but softer, a sign of the accident that she hadn’t been able to wash away, like the dirt under your nails, was slowly but surely fading. 

She moved with careful precision over the bruises as she put on the sweater. She couldn’t see your face but she heard the soft sigh you let out of being dressed in that exact sweater. “Thank you for taking this sweater,” you whispered as she saw your fingers tracing the pattern. “I only want you to be comfortable, baby,” she whispered back and left a kiss right under your ear. Even if that seemed quite sultry, and she noticed you freezing for just a millisecond, she hadn’t meant it in that way. She knew by heart how you always had a tendency to steal her clothes, specifically that sweater, and if just a mere sweater from her made your heart swell, she would lend you her whole wardrobe at the same time. 

It was a little difficult to get the sweatpants over your cast but with stubbornness, and brute force, they were on. “You are too kind to me,” you whispered, looking her in the eyes as she was kneeling before you on the floor beside your bed. “Don’t be stupid, Y/N,” she retorted as she stood up and transferred you into your wheelchair and quietly muttered, “You deserve the best.” You had smiled up at her by that and reached for one of her hands when she had finished transferring you. “I love you,” you said while playing with her fingers. Hearing those words leaving your lips never got old for Nikki. It made her heart beat faster every time. “I love you more,” she replied and when she saw you trying to contradict it, she bent down and left a soft kiss on your lips. A quiet laughter came from you as you teasingly said, “you don’t have to kiss me just because I’m gonna say something you disagree to,” and that made Nikki copy your laughter and replied, “Why not?” before letting her voice get more vulnerable, “I have years of kisses to catch up on either way so why not make it useful?” She saw how your cheeks blossomed at that but decided to let it go. Even if she just wanted to talk, tease and kiss you for all eternity, she didn’t have time. She was taking you home.

As she rolled you out from your bedroom, you met Bear and Sarah that had been waiting for both of you. “What took you so long? Have you been making out the entire time?” Bear teased when you two had appeared. It shocked Nikki a bit, that he was comfortable enough to crack a joke like that, but it made her heart swell with love for her best friend. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” she answered with the same teasing tone. He had started it so it was game on, but Bear only chuckled at her reply and said, “No, actually. I don’t want to know.”