fandom and feminism

Pursues reasonable goals with unreasonable methods  

Has sensible plans, but tremendously fucks up the execution  

Black Star

Death The Kid

Maka Albarn

people with no common sense: je11yf1sh, je11¥fi5h, j*llyf*sh, je//ÿf!sh, j3ï||yf¡sh, gel lee fisk

result: cannot account for the sheer amount of possible ways to alter the word jellyfish

conclusion: i have to see jellyfish now.

Enthusiastic consent:

When I want you

When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no

When saying no means missing out on something I want

Willing consent:

When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now)

When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no

When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes

Which is a definition of consent that gives sex workers agency and sees their consent as a choice made again and again based on the pros and cons, not something that is coerced and also not something that always exists by default simply because they are sex workers.

“What’s that, James? You tore your rotator cuff? Sorry, we have to let you go. What if the printer needed to be refilled and the other 200 people in this building were home sick? It just wouldn’t be fair.”

the first thing i want to point out is that the box of paper that @bransrath​ posted is not the weight of the box. the 20 lb in that description is the paper weight, which is the amount of force a piece of paper can take before tearing. i know this because it’s described as copy paper, and copy paper is by default 20 lb weight. so posting that picture as a ‘gotcha’ in response to this post is ignorant at best and intentionally ableist at worst. in reality, that box probably weighs no more than 15 lbs. 

secondly, i have never had to actually pick up one of these boxes ever. and i have to deal with them a lot, given that i’m a secretary who, prior to the pandemic, was printing off 1000+ pages of booklets per week. i’ve never had to pick these up because you can literally just open them, grab a ream of paper, and take it to the printer to load it in. there’s no fucking reason why you would need the whole box. most places, like my office, also store them on or near the ground because they’re heavy, so what i do is a just drag the boxes to their designated corner until they need to be used. 

So in the notes and replies and tags of some of my recent posts I’ve been seeing a few people saying “What’s the point of getting groceries for my neighbor if I’m about to lose access to life-saving medical care? Why should I help the terrible old jackass down the street by lending him my tools if he’s just going to vote away my right to access reproductive care?” and.

A few years ago my spouse was setting up a volunteer radio and emergency response group and he started reading a prepper blog that I *hated* because it was taking the concept of community-building and making it Machiavellian. This blog was talking about why you should help out neighbors who you knew to be Mormon because they were likely to have good survival supplies, why you should have your kids volunteer to mow the lawns of the elderly folks at church so that more people knew you and liked your family.

And it just felt so *shitty.* And I ended up ranting to my spouse about it because it was shitty! “It’s, like, weaponizing kindness or something! Just be good people, it’s so fucking weird that you’re trying to get on your neighbor’s good side in case of the apocalypse!”

Guys. Picking up groceries for your neighbor is getting on their good side in case of the apocalypse.

I’ve recently moved to a new neighborhood. I walk my dog here about four times a day.

I have adopted four surrogate mothers in the last two months. There are several elderly white ladies who check in with me about how my husband is doing and talk to me about how cute my dog is.

You know who’s going to be a good person to be friends with if I lose my job, or if I need someone to watch my dog because my husband is hospitalized, or if I need some cash to buy food because it’s the end of the month?

FOUR ELDERLY WHITE LADIES WHO THINK I’M JUST THE SWEETEST THING.

You know who is probably going to have access to prescription medication if I lose my health insurance? FOUR. WEALTHY. ELDERLY. WHITE. LADIES.

And I hate that I have to explain it that way because I didn’t go out and be like “muahahaha, I’ll befriend Bertie and she’ll let me use her air compressor if I’ve got a flat” I went out and was like “Hey I like your rabbit and it’s nice to meet you and that package looks heavy, can I help you carry it inside?” and I was like “Laurel, it’s good to see you, how are the kids; oh Otto needs his meds from the vet, do you want me to go grab them tonight? I’ve got to pick up dog food anyway.”

And look, this is a long con.

Could I flip Diane into lying to her GP to get me an inhaler today? No. But I can walk around the neighborhood with my exclusively black wardrobe and a “defund the police” tee shirt and then maybe those scary Atifas on the teevee don’t look like a faceless horde, they kind of look like Alli - you know, the one with the pink hair and the little white dog - from down the way who crocheted you a potholder because she had some extra yarn.

So here’s a simple set of reasons why it’s a good idea to befriend your neighbors and do shit like offer to walk their dogs, pick up their groceries, water their plants when they’re out of town, or provide emergency childcare:

BURST BUBBLES - I think people are frequently less ideologically isolated than the news likes to make out but nonetheless I look pretty weird to my neighbors and they look pretty weird to me. Offering to do shit like pick up their groceries humanizes you, and therefore people who are like you, to them. Also if you are dealing with elderly folks you MAY be dealing with people whose only source of contact with the outside world right now is Fox News and YouTube and it is MUCH better that they talk to you than that they sit there and watch Hannity for another hour or get into Qanon.

BUILD A SOCIAL SAFETY NET - Look, I couldn’t get Laurel to get me an inhaler right now, but if I knocked on her door with a broken arm she’d drive me to the hospital. That hasn’t been true of most of the places I’ve lived because I haven’t known the neighbors as well. And that is kind of a huge deal that I think a lot of people overlook. YEAH, getting to know your neighbors isn’t going to get your health insurance back but it’s going to make you WAY less stressed spending five hours waiting at the free clinic because Bertie is making sure your dog has food and water and can go for a short walk. “I don’t have a car and I can’t afford an ambulance and the buses aren’t running” - honey, try to make friends with your neighbors. Most neighbors who are even vague, wave-as-you-pass-by-on-the-street neighbors won’t begrudge you a ride to the hospital; someone you’ve picked up groceries for will DEFINITELY drive you to the hospital.

REDUCE THE IRON GRIP OF INDIVIDUALIST CAPITALISM - The HOA here is kind of a giant dick about weeds and yard management and what this means is that I bought a hedge clipper. What this also means is that my new neighbors next door do not need a hedge clipper because as soon as they moved in I was like “hey, welcome, I live next door, it’s great to meet you - if you ever need anything let me know; I’ve got gardening supplies and power tools and stuff or if you need a furniture dolly or anything, just ask. Have some banana bread, and a great day.” Bertie does have an air compressor. She does let people use it if they need to; this means that I do not have to buy an air compressor. You’ve got some free boxes because you just finished moving? Put ‘em out front so that someone else doesn’t have to go buy boxes. Laurel gave me a bag of pears from her tree, I gave a set of dog stairs that my dog hates to Andie, guess where I got a free motherfucking grill?

LEARN AND TEACH COMMUNITY SELF RELIANCE - If Bertie and Laurel and Andie and Diane and Susan know they can call me to come snake their toilets or fix their computers they don’t have to call out for that. Bertie is teaching me about not killing plants and how to garden in Las Vegas, Andie is willing to share her dumbbell set, etc, etc. You know that this sort of thing is really great for? Exchanging numbers with your neighbors. You know why you want your neighbors to have your number? So they don’t call the fucking cops on you for a noise complaint or report you to the HOA because they know you well enough to just call you instead.

RADICALIZE YOUR NEIGHBORS - Look, buddy, they aren’t going to listen to your ideas about a bright, better future if they don’t fucking know you. NONE of these folks are about to go do jail support with me, or host someone who needs a safe place to stay for an abortion, however ALL of them are a lot more open to the idea of mutual aid than they were three months ago and I’ve got one completely fucking flipped on her stance about providing housing to the homeless and she’s stopped calling the cops on people sleeping on benches in the park. Changing people’s minds sucks. It takes forever. It’s shitty, boring, unexciting work that puts you in contact with people you probably disagree with pretty strongly. It feels like you’re not accomplishing anything. But goddamnit if teaching ONE of your neighbors to be compassionate to unhoused people, at least enough to not call the cops on them, works even ONE time and someone doesn’t go to jail one time, or doesn’t get their belongings trashed one time, then you’re doing good fucking work.

So no, friend, picking up groceries for your neighbor isn’t going to save the ACA or protect abortion access - not in any direct, meaningful, noticeable way. But it might save you the cost of an ambulance ride. It might save someone else from getting arrested. Hell, if you teach your neighbors not to call the cops it might keep someone from getting shot. And that’s worth it.

SOME CAVEATS:

Don’t feel bad if you can’t build these kinds of affinity networks or if people don’t respond to you; some neighborhoods just aren’t like that, some people are just standoffish.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t do this kind of thing because of social anxiety or limited mobility. It’s okay, friend, not everybody can go out and meet people.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t do this kind of thing because it is unsafe for you to do so. Some people live among virulent racists, some people’s only neighbors are raging homophobes. Don’t endanger yourself, don’t feel bad for keeping yourself and your family safe if reaching out to your neighbors makes you a target.

And that's not a joke or an exaggeration.

If criminals don't have rights, then all the government has to do is find some excuse to label people as criminals, and those people will no longer have rights. It's what literally every tyrannical government in all of history has done.

i have some books that have helped me with respectful parenting here:

https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/2168390?shelf=parenting

–

something i was thinking in my re-read of this book earlier today is how my first impulse while parenting tends to be a reactionary, punitive impulse. sure, you might be patient when the kid is being cute and you have lots of energy. but on an off day? you have to fight against what you’ve learned. even if the kid does something incredibly naughty.

i was reminded of a time when my kid was left alone with the cat, and she started rubbing lotion all over the cat. i think she thought she was doing something nice for her; she was only 2.5 at the time. when i saw the cat, my anxiety spiked. i spoke to her sternly and had her help me clean up the cat, but i was wracked with fear and nervousness – “oh no, what if the cat licks herself and gets sick? what if the cat dies? what if the cat dies because of what my kid did?” i started to feel like just talking to my kid about it wasn’t enough… should we say, “time out”? no dessert? no more cat? no more trips to the bakery? i promised myself i would never spank, but inside, there was a part of me that felt like spanking!! that’s what my parents did!

but after i stewed for a while, i came to my senses. my kid was just being a kid. little kids have no impulse control! but me? i’m an adult, i should have known better! it was really my fault for leaving the kid and the lotion and the cat all together, unsupervised. in a way, my strong reaction to her behavior was just myself projecting the guilt at having a bad parenting moment onto her. 

how effective is punitive speech, and punitive acts?

do you think she would have learned something if i had hit her? or locked her in her room? or took away her snacks? (these are not what those in the respectful parenting community would call natural consequences – these are just unconnected punishments, things that have nothing to do with the cat.)

no. i still would have had a lotioned cat.

what if i had lectured? yelled? gone on at length about how terribly naughty it was, and what a bad girl she was?

no. i still would have had a lotioned cat.

the actual consequence in this instance was for me. because i messed up. the natural consequence: now i have to clean up the damn cat and put the lotion where my kid can’t reach it… and supervise the kid more closely, because she’s only a toddler.

my kid felt bad as soon as she saw how bad i felt. she didn’t show it at the moment – just nervous laughter. but i could tell she felt bad, and sure enough, later that night, she cried about it, and we got to talk more about how the lotion was not good for the cat, and how i was going to put it out of her reach for now.

and that’s…. enough.

it really is.

and it’s so fucking hard to wrap your mind around it. because our entire culture revolves around law and order, crime and punishment! if people mess up, hurt them! lock them away! demolish their self-esteem!

none of that shit helps anyone. it only feels good as a short-term solution.

in the long-term? we have to start believing in the inherent preciousness of every life. it will be hard as fuck to change our collective mindset. but we have to do it. because everything is connected to it, from huge things like climate change, all the way down to a little toddler learning how to interact with a cat.