writing blog

It has been years hasn’t it? Since the fight, since the time that they had seen each other. The time was probably the most painful part. Even so, Chuuya really couldn't believe what he was seeing anyways. Where had Dazai even gone? College? Somewhere worse? Chuuya had at least finished school, got good grades, and is in college now. Wherever Dazai went, he made his bed and should lay in it now. Dazai made the choice to break things off. And now he's across the street, tatted up and…working. In a tattoo shop. It played in his head, over and over; Dazai yelling at him, telling him he wasn’t going to college, that Chuuya was smothering him. Was he? He kept asking himself what he did wrong but…he always fell short.

No. He needed to stop thinking about it. Dazai made his choice and that was no fault of Chuuya’s. He knew that. His therapist's voice played in his mind. Chuuya was happy now, he had a job at a flower shop, it was calming and often brought him joy. He had friends here too. He had Akutagawa and Kouyou. He needed to stop thinking about it, stop thinking about that time in his life. It wasn’t relevant anymore. He was long past it and he would keep telling himself that until it was true. Chuuya was happy without Dazai, without the nagging that Dazai often brought. The nagging that Chuuya should “calm down” and “chill out”.

Or he would have if Dazai didn’t come into the flower shop wanting to talk to him specifically. The audacity felt like an insult if he was honest. He shook his head frantically at Kouyou, no. He wouldn’t see him. Thankfully, she knew the most about the situation and wouldn’t push him to talk to Dazai and wouldn’t push him to handle things like an adult. It was past adults talking. Not to say Akutagawa would either, I mean, he just enjoyed telling people no and kicking them out, even though Akutagawa didn’t know the whole situation. He told Dazai that Chuuya was busy working and that Dazai should leave. He heard it and it gave him such a sigh of relief, one that caused his muscles to relax. He couldn’t handle talking to him, couldn’t handle seeing him up close.

Dazai left and didn't come back for a few weeks but he did come back, a day when Akutagawa was working, thank god. Chuuya, once again, shook his head and Akutagawa gave him an ear full, kicking him out entirely. It wasn’t helping though that Akutagawa was now becoming friends with someone who worked at the same exact tattoo shop. He knew that Akutagawa would break eventually. He had a soft spot for people he was close to, even if he would never admit it. Thank god Chuuya was one of those people though because he still stood by Chuuya for now.

Then it happened. Dazai came in during the wrong day, wrong time. If he waited just mere hours later, it would be fine. He could keep avoiding it. But no. It happened. It happened, and he was already feeling nauseous as he watched Dazai get closer and closer. He felt himself flush and his stomach flip and twist. He was suddenly warm and cold all at the same time, his hands and face suddenly wet. Too wet. What would he even say to him? “Hi?” Who the hell would open a conversation like that after everything they’d been through? After this long, the years that piled up between them, the no contact, the no explanation, hell no.

“Hi.” Dazai’s first word to Chuuya in years. Over 4 years to be exact. All that time and he was still bad at interacting with others, bad with saying anything to anyone that wasn’t centered around himself. Clearly, because it was awkward, his voice even broke. Of course it did that happened often back then too, no matter who he was talking to but especially Chuuya. He could always take note of the pinkness in his cheeks, the shifting of his eyes but now? No pink, no shifting of the eyes. His eyes stayed downcast, he was upset at himself, Chuuya had known him well enough before to know that.

“...Hi.” Chuuya’s voice came off harsh, just as harsh as it always was. He knew he should have been a bit more friendly. Even if this was Dazai, it was still, unfortunately, a customer. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“What can I help you with?” Chuuya spoke again before Dazai could, he spoke as if he had never seen those brown eyes before, never heard the crack of Dazai’s voice, and certainly never heard the distinct sense of self-deprecation he always knew was going to happen on late nights in a field while they lay next to his bike, the one he would drive to the middle of nowhere. They were always trespassing those nights but he needed to act as if none of those things had ever happened. This was now a stranger to him.

“Um…do you remember me? It’s Dazai.” There was the awkwardness that had always seemed to be present when Chuuya talked to him.

“I’d be stupid if I didn’t. What the hell do you want?” He snapped, a lot harsher than he had been in a very long time. He had softened quite a lot since they had seen each other, softened since he was in highschool, hell since he started college. Of course he recognized Dazai though, I mean, no one knows someone for five years and flirts with them all that time just to…no. To call it just flirting was falling into the blame that Dazai put on him. This isn’t it. He wasn't at fault for Dazai’s stupid decisions.

“Right. Of course. Sorry. Just- Can we talk? Privately or something? Whenever.” He said, sounding nervous. He wasn’t going to fall into that. It felt like a trap. Softening again around him felt like letting his guard down. He wasn’t going to do that.

“No. In what universe would I agree to that?” He snapped back, quick, almost too quick.

“Because I asked?” He was just as quick but he was relying on Chuuya’s own soft spot for him. And no, it wasn’t working, not in a million years, even if he did miss the smile he used to give when Chuuya agreed with him on anything. Even if it was tempting even now. Fuck, he really wanted to say yes. He couldn’t.

“And why would that make me say yes?”

“Because it used to?” He was pleading with him, and Chuuya knew it. It wasn’t even what pissed him off the most. What pissed him off the most is that he wanted to say yes so much that it bordered on need. Maybe it would be needed in the end because not a single fiber of his being wanted to say no to him. Not a fiber in his being wanted to fight the simmering urge that was just beneath the surface.

He wanted- no, needed Dazai. He couldn’t, and hell he shouldn’t, but he knew it was over for any part that wanted to say no the minute Dazai gave him the look he used to, with wide eyes and an almost pout.

“Fine. Tomorrow at three in the afternoon. I’ll be at the cafe next door.” He said, annoyance evident in his tone and even if Dazai didn’t know it, it wasn’t at him, it was at himself. It felt like he was always angry with himself around Dazai. It felt that way because he was. He was angry now, and not even a little bit of it was directed at Dazai. He knew the next steps, he knew that Dazai and him wouldn’t just talk. He knew that the meeting would end up being moved to a nearby hotel. He knew each touch would hurt as much as their separation. He knew it would all hurt.

The rest of the conversation mattered less and less to him when he recalled it. Even if it did explain where he was at now, leaving another boyfriend for another night at the same exact hotel with the same exact man as before. Dazai. His face and body was pink, his body warm and relaxed, the result of release completely washing over his body as he panted next to Dazai. Again. This was the third guy he didn’t show up to dates with, didn't go home with- all for Dazai. He needed to leave, needed to break it off but he didn’t think he could. It felt like breathing when he was with Dazai.

It felt like the only clean air he had received in a wasteland where all of the air was polluted with dust, debris and toxins, an utter nuclear fallout. Hazy, green and cartoonishly dangerous air moving through his lungs leaving him coughing and gasping for fresh air. Dazai understood how his body worked in the exact same way too. He knew Chuuya’s lungs needed him, knew it was better with him and no one else. Dazai knew and took advantage. Maybe fresh air would be like a toxic ex too, if it had the ability to be.

Maybe Chuuya did this to himself. Maybe he started this when he said yes to Dazai the first time. But now? He couldn’t say no anymore. Couldn’t bring himself to.

The next time Atsushi thought about Akutagawa in any tangible way, he was eating. Specifically eating chazuke on a lazy and colder day. He thought about the first time he ate a proper meal. The first time he was shown proper care. It was all Akutagawa. Well, Akutagawa and his sister. She was sweeter than Akutagawa- or, well, Ryunosuke but he knew Ryunosuke cared just as much, if not more than she did. Which is saying a lot given how much she cared.

He remembers a day he met Akutagawa on the playground with the items Akutagawa asked him to steal from the orphanage- rice and a bowl. They were 12 at the time. Well, Akutagawa was 12. Atsushi was 10. He sat on the slide, waiting for about an hour, he knew he might get caught but he couldn’t care right now. All he cared about right now was eating the rice and Akutagawa and he had to hold back on both of those. Soon, he looked up and Akutagawa was there with a container of something that looked hot. It was a ziplock container full of something that looked brown and was causing condensation on the container.

“What’s that?” He asked, head tilted to the side as Akutagawa brought it over, his expression just as blank as it usually was. He shook his head.

“Just wait. I’ll show you.” He said, although looking back, Atsushi doesn’t think Akutagawa knew that Atsushi literally didn’t know what it was, not that he didn’t know what it was for.

He watched with fascination while Akutagawa poured it over the bowl of rice with no explanation. He then moved to put chopsticks in the rice, he looked proud for a moment as he did. Well- not really proud. More like blank-faced and brows raised, which felt like a grin in the world of Akutagawa facial expressions. Atsushi looked at the bowl with the same amount of confusion, though.

“What is it?” He asked again, this time, more confused than before, which was saying something because he was already very confused. Akutagawa looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

“Are you stupid?” He asked, bluntly, plainly. Atsushi knew that Akutagawa was now asking in earnest, which was completely disarming for such a hurtful question. It only made Atsushi more frustrated.

“Hey! I’m not stupid!” Atsushi froze at the sound of his own words, pausing entirely. He had never stood up for himself to anyone. Akutagawa stared at him for several minutes, just as quiet and just as baffled.

“What?” He more said, in response, than asked. He was confused, wanted clarification, was used to Atsushi just agreeing and then moving on after Akutagawa categorized it as a “sad Atsushi response” and talked about the rice dish.

“What?” Atsushi asked back. Although Atsushi sounded less sure of himself then the first response to the first question he gave.

“Did you just talk back to me?” Akutagawa responded fairly quickly as an immediate reaction to Atsushi’s uncertainty.

“Uh… No? I was just being truthful.” Atsushi tried to sound more confident but failed spectacularly. He looked away, not meeting Akutagawa’s eyes.

“Bullshit. You can’t pretend. I’m not an idiot. And I am the master of speaking frankly, you cannot try to slip that by me.” He said, sternly, even if it was a little childish, it sounded serious coming from Akutagawa.

“Maybe you heard me wrong.” There it was. Borderline bickering now, Atsushi was getting more and more confident with each response and reaction they went back and forth with.

“Do not joke, Nakajima. You are hardly funny so do not try to be. It will come off annoying.” Akutagawa quipped back immediately. Atsushi almost flinched at being called annoying but he couldn’t get himself to back down now. He huffed.

“I never said I was joking. Seriously, just tell me what this is!” The complaint came off almost like a childish whine, a complaint that was in itself an annoyance to Akutagawa. Akutagawa acted it too, with a huff and crossed his arms, the now empty container still in his hand.

“Eat it and tell me what you think it is, you imbecile.” He said, voice sounding much more tight and annoyed now. Akutagawa sounded like he was going to lose his mind, snap at Atsushi, maybe even punch him. Atsushi knew Akutagawa could get aggressive when he deemed it necessary, especially if he was upset enough and, while Atsushi knew this, he couldn’t help still pushing the button just a little further because… well, because he hadn’t been punched yet and that was a record gap between being annoying and getting hit.

“Eat it? What if you poisoned it? Or worse!” He argued again, voice getting louder. Atsushi’s throat hurt a little from the not-quite-yelling. Atsushi had screamed before, yelled for help, anything but argued. Anything but a controlled volume, a volume that was not necessarily meant to be heard or meant to get anyone’s attention. He was feeling sharp in his chest and it hurt, it hurt enough to make him want to shake Akutagawa, which, if he was honest, he wanted to do often.

“Why the fuck would I poison it? What the hell are you even taking about? Also, where would I even get poison?” He pushed, seemingly more annoyed, a reaction(unbeknownst to Atsushi) that only Atsushi could create. However, Gin’s stealth of watch from afar was working as she watched them two interact. It was the most emotional she’s ever seen her brother. His brows were furrowed and upset, his tone speaking the exact same emotion. She felt her own surprise boil over. She’d bring this up to both of them later and tease them about it but, for now, this was unknown to both of them.

“I don’t know! You’re off-putting and scary!” Atsushi yelled back, although Atsushi was starting to laugh as he yelled, another sound he wasn’t used to hearing from himself and only started to occur when Akutagawa started meeting him at this playground.

The arguing stopped but now both of them were holding their stomachs and laughing, although Akutagawa would never admit it, he was also laughing, close to the point of tears because this was a ridiculous argument but if you asked Atsushi, he’d say he’d deal with all the punishments he got for sneaking out all over again just to hear that laugh. Atsushi would deal with all of the punishments in one night just to see and hear Akutagawa laughing in Atsushi’s final moments.

And when Atsushi tried the food, he decided it was his favorite, if even for trying it with the moments of Akutagawa’s smile and laugh. He didn’t know it then but now… now it was his favorite moment. He could never forget or let go of Akutagawa’s emotional response, not a single one of them due to how vibrant they can get. Often, if Atsushi would need to argue with him just to see his anger, he would. He knew Akutagawa could not bring himself to hate Atsushi, he knew that because of the many nights they spent doing childish things while they were at that playground.

Atsushi stared at himself in the mirror, the one that belonged to his bathroom, after he took a shower in his shower. He wonders what Akutagawa would think about this apartment. It was small but both of them talked often about how they wanted their apartment. Funny enough, they both assumed they’d live together and decorate together, of course with Gin. What a ridiculous assumption.

…A ridiculous assumption. He had to tell himself this. Needed, otherwise he’d cry at the memories. They’d never happen again. He’d never see Akutagawa’s laugh or his anger written on his face. Atsushi doubted he’d ever see Akutagawa again in general. He doubted that Akutagawa would stay up late thinking about Atsushi’s smile or his laugh. He doubted Akutagawa thought about those late nights on the playground and… that thought destroyed him.

It was a ridiculous assumption. It had to be. It was a ridiculous assumption. He repeated it in his mind as he crumpled in on himself in front of the mirror, the sobs wracking his body and mind. His body shook with each ridiculous assumption.

He’d never find or see Akutagawa again. He accepted that the last night he saw Gin. Why is he so hurt over such a ridiculous assumption?

He sobbed for what felt like hours, until his body couldn’t produce enough tears to keep up with the sobs, until his face was wet and not from the shower he just took.

When he finally calmed down, he finished drying off and getting dressed, feeling drained and numb as he went to bed. That’s what he was doing, right? Well, it didn’t matter, none of it did when he needed the space and time to think about Akutagawa. Each memory of his laugh and smile, his yelling and furrowed brows. It didn’t matter, he needed to keep the image ingrained in his brain. He laid in bed for hours, waiting for who knows what until he decided to get up. He didn’t care how late it had gotten.

Atsushi looked at his maps program on his phone and got up, slipping his shoes on in a hurry. He grabbed a jacket and bolted out of the apartment, ignoring Kyouka’s confused expression. He needed this. He took a train to Yokohama. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t there anymore. He sat on the almost empty train, waiting, mind racing. He needed this. He needed to see it again, he needed to be there again.

When he got there, he was half-asleep. He bolted off the train and ran. He kept running as fast as he could until he got to the place… It was gone. It was finally taken down and all that was there was house. Atsushi couldn’t help the tears that started spilling and shrinking down of his body as it crumpled down again, holding himself together with a self hug. He shouldn’t have come here, he had no idea what he was thinking. This was stupid. This was stupid that he thought it would still be there. It had been two years since he had been there. Why would he think it would still be there? It was made into a private playground at first and it was said to be taken down then. How could be so stupid? How could make such a ridiculous assumption?

It was another ridiculous assumption Atsushi made in relation to Akutagawa. Akutagawa makes him create ridiculous assumption after ridiculous assumption. Akutagawa makes him stupid. This was Akutagawa’s fault. Atsushi was mad at him. The anger kept happening in waves since he saw Gin last. He knew the anger wouldn’t last but… He hated him. Atsushi hated Akutagawa in this moment. Hated that Akutagawa could make him feel so devastated, hated that he could make him make such ridiculous assumptions. Hated him for not being able to see him again. Atsushi hated him.

…He wanted to hate him. Wanted to blame Akutagawa for all the tears he wasted on him, all the angry yelling he did because he couldn’t take the pain in his chest. Angry for all the nightmares he caused. He wanted to hate him and blame Akutagwa but he couldn’t. The reality is that he didn’t hate Akutagawa because, as he headed back to the train and home, he’d give anything to see Akutagawa laugh, smile, get angry at him. Anything. He’d let everything come at him for just a moment of that. He knew he couldn’t hate Akutagawa. He couldn’t hate him or even stay mad at him. Not for the paid train ticket that was ultimately a waste. Not the tears he spilled that could probaby fill an ocean. Not for the memories of Gin crying as she explained what happened.

Atsushi hadn’t thought of his childhood often, especially because he often couldn’t remember it. It was too bad, too hurtful. He couldn't bear to do so, no matter how much trauma therapy he had gone through, no matter how much he wanted to recall at least the good things, or enough to infer the rest of it. To stop feeling helplessly lost when people approached him and recognized him or apologized for participating in the orphanage’s harmful behaviors while they were kids. They were all kids, it didn’t matter to him anymore. He wished that would stop.

There was one thing he thought of often- well, not a thing. One person he thought of often. His childhood friend and currently? He was recalling the first time they had met. On a playground he wasn’t supposed to be at. One that was getting demolished near the orphanage, he had snuck out to check it out one night and got away with doing that for a while. He remembered that friend with the fondness he could never afford at the time.

The first time was around midnight, maybe later, he’d only assume midnight because the other kids had already been fed and sent to bed. Atsushi had already dealt with the blows of angry words and injuries that would forever haunt him. Usually that stuff ended around 23:30 at night and he snuck out after. He didn’t wait like he normally did to sneak food, he just climbed the window and went. When he got there, there was a kid around his age sitting on the swing, humming to himself. There was blood on his button up, a shirt he didn’t recognize from the orphanage, so he approached. He made sure to not be seen yet, staying in the shadows until he couldn’t. Once he couldn’t, he made sure to make himself look small, it usually made people take pity on him and, hopefully, this wouldn’t be the exception.

“...Excuse me…?” He mumbled his words, meekly, on purpose. He shrank on himself, curled his shoulders in a bit, hunched his back and widened his eyes. These behaviors often got him food from local houses, so maybe he’d be given mercy.

The kid sharply turned his head, practically snapping it over in Atsushi’s direction. His voice came out as a hiss, one where each word was said in a sharp, enunciated way. He spoke words Atsushi barely understood, he’d never heard that use of reference to self. It sounded formal. Old-timey. This child spoke as if he got all his words from a dictionary from the 1800’s. Atsushi tilted his head as he tried to listen. What he gathered was that the other kid was annoyed at him.

“What the hell are you doing here? This is my playground. My territory.” He snapped.

Atsushi froze, staring at him for several minutes as he pieced the words together and pieced together how to respond, what he should say to avoid getting hurt. He, shakily, stepped closer. His voice matched his movements in the fear that showed.

“I’m sorry. I’ve never… talked to anyone not from the place…” He muttered, still hoping the boy took mercy on him, maybe even considered him friend and not foe.

“The place? What the fuck does that even mean? That does not make any sense.” He said, sternly, for sure. It sent a wave of a different kind of emotion through Atsushi. For the first time, a sharp and almost painful feeling hit his chest. It was sharp and felt like a stab. It made him want to yell at the other child, made him want to scream, actually. For the first time, he understood hitting something. He wanted to hit this child but as soon as the thought crossed his mind, it dissolved into guilt. He was just like the people who hit him, who hit kids. He wanted to hit this other child, wanted to punch him. Why did he want that? He felt a sharpness prick at his eyes.

“No, I-” He tried but he was already feeling the wet sting of tears filling his eyes. It hurt. It hurt a lot. His chest felt tight and his face felt warm, he couldn’t get his throat to work. It felt like a string wrapped around his esophagus was there to keep him quiet, to silence him. Just like the cuffs that would sometimes be too tight on his ankles. The shackles used to burn in the exact same way as it chaffed and caught on his skin, cracked and dry from sleeping on concrete.

The other boy spoke so close after him, it might have sounded like he was cutting Atsushi off but he seemed to know exactly what to say without even knowing who Atsushi was. He knew what Atsushi needed to snap out of whatever fog he was in, guilt or otherwise.

“Shut up. You’re from that orphanage, correct? Well, go back there.” Atsushi had no idea why he needed this, why he needed to be told this but he simply nodded and did exactly that.

Looking back at it now, it seems silly but it worked for him. He would come back again every night after that, waiting to see the boy. Even if he were to look at it with the knowledge he has now, he’d probably do it again, all just to meet him again. He couldn’t even say the second or third time he met the boy was any more friendly because it wasn’t. By the fifth or sixth time, though… It started with Atsushi learning the boy’s name.

“You’re back.” The boy said, cold, just as detached as he was the first time they spoke, “do you come here every night, waiting?” His question stirred something in Atsushi again, something uncomfortable and… painful, almost. It was the same sharpness as before but he had grown accustomed to that now, that wasn’t what made it so bad. What made it bad was that his face got warm before the guilt, his eyes stung before the guilt even hit him- he was embarrassed.

“No. Why would I? You’re mean.” He snapped, almost. Then. the guilt. He felt the guilt bubble back up, hurting, making him want to throw up. “Sorry.”

“No. Don’t take it back. You already said it. You’re not allowed to take that back.” He said, sternly, as if Atsushi had professed his love to the boy, like he showed some sign of genuine affection and the mysterious unnamed boy needed it like he needed air.

“Wha…?” He started, finding himself completely lost and confused. “I didn’t…” He tried again, only for him to find out he was lacking the words needed to explain himself, even with the often times the other kid had to explain a word to him like he was stupid.

“Do not back down from an argument. Really. My name is… Ryuunosuke Akutagawa. I will never back down from a fight.” It was said as if there was supposed to be some sort of gusto to it but it lacked all of the finesse. Just… flat and muted toned words that almost meant nothing to Atsushi.

“Oh. Okay. I am Atsushi Nakajima.” He said back, a small smile unfolding on his face. He felt… good. That made him feel good.

“Don’t smile like that. You look ridiculous.”

Akutagawa said it so flatly that for a minute, Atsushi had felt hurt but… he laughed instead. It only seemed to further frustrate the boy but he found it funny. They hung out often after that, although the playground eventually actually did get torn down and turned into a safer one. One that did not allow kids like Akutagawa or Atsushi on them late at night. He had even met Akutagawa’s group of friends and family at the time. Turns out Akutagawa lived on the street with them, known as someone who protected the group. Atsushi really looked up to him when he found that out. Still does if he was entirely honest with himself.

Dazai did not really understand that there really ever could be next steps in his life. He had decisions to make but honestly? They only ever felt overwhelming. He was drowning in them and they all amounted to the same things anyways. Either live for others, live for himself or free himself of the burden of living at all.

They were always going to be heavy decisions about his own life, he was cursed with the knowledge of the past, a possible future and the future. He was burdened with knowing himself at every angle. And he hated it.

Looking at himself in the mirror never felt great and it never made his importance fully since in. Couldn't he simply throw in the towel and let others make the decisions, regardless of the consequences? Couldn't he simply end things before they began? Wouldn't that save the ever lasting burden and irrevocable damage he's done to others and to the world around him?

He thought so often; Mori would always do what Mori did, Chuuya might still be with his created family- even if he wouldn't know his real one. Who knows, maybe he would have met Paul Verlaine anyways. Atsushi would have his own life, far away from violence, or maybe Fyodor would find him anyways. Maybe Gin and Akutagawa would have still been on the streets, or they might have gained their own independence. He couldn't say but was it worth knowing?

He really didn't think so. Maybe he could give any actual effort to ending it before it began. Maybe he could do it now and the others, with their own gained knowledge, could live their own life anew.

All he knew is that the decisions keep piling up and filling his life around him, slowly suffocating him into feeling like he'll drown. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll try again. Maybe he can't keep doing this.

"You were the child

Who was made out of glass

Who carried a black heart

Passed down from your dad"

Atsushi did not have a very good childhood- it was pretty bad, actually. He was fragile after and deeply hurt during. It was a nightmare that never ended, one that simply was reality. Afterwards, reality felt like sandpaper on raw skin, burning and itching all at once.

He felt like a lost child with no home and so very unloved. The pieces of glass fell shattered everywhere and they hurt to pick up. They hurt to touch or even to simply be around. They were like wounds that would never heal. People didn't love him. He was simply an unwanted child- to children and adults alike.

"If somebody loved you,

They'd tell you by now

We all turn away when you're down"

Then he met Dazai and the ADA. They told him what he needed to do, how he was loved and cared for regardless of who he had. Of how much he was a lost child. He was loved and worried about. He deserved people around him for simply existing. They were not a clean cut change for family but they were his family. His loved ones, in some weird way.

He wished he had a mother or even siblings, oh how he wished he had a childhood. A loving environment that made him feel safe. Somewhere he could look back on with love. Just as the other ADA members all had a spot(a person, a place and even actions that felt safe to them).

"You want to go back

To where you felt safe

To hear your brother's laughter

See your mother's face

Your childhood home

Is just power white bone

And you'll never find

You're way back"

He then met Kyouka and had never loved another in such a way or with so much of himself. It was like his whole life led up to this point, to loving another person with such unadulterated innocent care and concern. She was in all senses of the word, family.

Only now did that word make sense to him. Only now did that word feel accurate and all encompassing. He wondered if this feeling will stay forever. If he'll ever feel it again.

"And when you're gone

Will they say your name?

And when you're gone

Will they love you the same?

If not, that's OK

If not, that's OK"

Then he even met the other members of the Port Mafia in a different light. Akutagawa in how much he pretended to be some evil guy, even when he kept his promises and held them to high standards. Chuuya who's loyalty ran deeper then anything else in his body and soul.

And he's never felt so trusted. He's never loved so deeply- people who were meant to be enemies. More family. He's never felt so wanted and concerned for. Even if it was in a way that was odd and different in an alarming way sometimes.

"You are broken and callow

Cautious and safe

You are boundless in beauty

With fright in your face

Until someone loves you,

I'll keep you safe

But like then,

I will give you away"

His version of love had become so scattered and askew, even if it wasn't traditional love or care. Even if some of it showed in rivalry and begrudging mutual protection.

Lucy, Akutagawa and Chuuya had become family too, in their own weird way. They were close in their own perspective, even if they were not family in the way Kyouka was. It had become a group of people who just wanted to keep each other safe, even if it was because of some stupid mission and the efficiency of it.

"And when you're gone

Will they say your name?

And when you're gone

Will they love you the same?

If not, that's OK

If not, that's OK

Oh,

When you're gone

We won't say a word

But you know,

That's OK

Don't you know

That's OK?"

It was barren, ominous and slight yellow everywhere. Long after the destruction of cities due to the war that started, the one he was meant to finish. He knew he shouldn't be bearing the wait of a shared failure but he could not help it. It had been years and no word from Dazai or Chuuya still. He hoped, hoped to everything that they'd hear something from someone but nothing and being outside for too long was going to suffocate them. So, here they were, stuck together in a wasteland, stuck in the building Akutagawa lived in. Ryuunosuke? He'd long since given into just calling him Ryu, it was easier, they were close enough now. Even Ryu called him Atsushi now, it had been that long since they had been stuck together. Thankfully, Akutagawa's lungs have healed due to the off-putting cure of dying because otherwise they'd have much bigger problems leaving the area they bunkered. Currently, he was just getting back from raiding a grocery store, the stairs felt heavier and heavier as time went on, each step weighted with the led of anger and emotional turmoil. The bags of food and materials were light in comparison.

"I'm back."

He received no answer from Ryu, which was fitting, he often didn't, the situation just as heavy and emotional, even if he would never admit it. Atsushi could tell this was bringing memories from childhood for him, some unspoken guilt. He wished he could help. He wish he felt less guilty about the result of his own failure.

"When will we stop pretending that we can live like this and do something, Atsushi?"

His voice sounded so unsure it hurt. It squeezed tightly around his heart and stomach, he needed to do something, Ryu was right.

"I know. Maybe... maybe we can go and search for Dazai and Chuuya tomorrow? Prepare tonight and leave in the morning?" He offered, readily.

"What would we even do to prepare? Sit here? Rest? We've been resting." He quipped, irritation growing in response.

"Eating, making sure we have food on us, it would be helpful if we left with supplies." His own irritation started growing rapidly, this happened often still but with more understanding and empathy towards each other.

"Right. That makes sense. Okay. Fine. Tomorrow."

This is how it ended often enough now, one of them agreeing because fighting wasn't worth their time and energy.