wonderful wlw

(Image text: “I will no longer entertain debate about my right to exist.”)

hmmm i’m in a small city too and here’s the date spots i like!

Stone, partnered with stone butch and stone femme (or high femme), is a lesbian sexual identity that describe they ways specific butch and femme lesbians navigate our intimate relationships. For stone butches, it refers to us not wanting to be touched sexually by our partner(s) (only giving), and for stone femme is refers to them not wanting to touch their partner(s) (only receiving).

Although these are the simplest definitions, I find that is important to clarify the language we use to describe stone butches and femmes. To many people, these may sound just like other ways of describing topping and bottoming, respectively, so much to the extent where one will only give or only receive. This leads people to assume that stone butches are “cold” or “unloving”, and that stone femmes are “selfish” for not explicably touching their partner(s) back. In all honestly, both of these portrayals of stone is insulting and is damaging to the legacy of our identity.

Stone is an identity that is built out of trauma (usually sexual) and/or some form of dysphoria. We have been shaped by our experiences to such a extent that we have to navigate our own intimacy carefully. Stone is the story of survivors, of dysphoric bodies, trying to seek shelter in the women we love while maintaining complete autonomy of ourselves. We as stone butches and femmes understand our past and how it shapes our present. The positions we take during sex are not preferences, but requirements for us to be comfortable in such a vulnerable setting.

To often I see stone being misused, or appropriated, or watered down to just “topping/bottoming” and its really tiring. Stone exists within butch and femme identity, and thus within and between (1) lesbians who hold such an identity, and (2) whoever their sexual partner(s) may be. You cannot take stone away from its placement in lesbian sexual interaction. Another problem I see is people completely disrespecting stones and making us feel guilty about our identity (which really says a lot given its largely built around trauma and dysphoria…). It honestly hurts to see the way we’re talked about, the ways we’re seen…

Any stone butch or stone femme can empathize with another about our experiences. Those who are not stone (others lesbians and other groups of WLW, mostly) but who understand the reasoning behind our being will also come to respect our boundaries if they ever find themselves at our borders. This is a nice thought, but it would be really helpful to stone butches and femmes if more people who aren’t stone and are uneducated (or not understanding) about our experiences would take the time to learn. This is especially important if your current partner is a stone butch or a stone femme.

Please read up* on the narratives of stone butches and stone femmes, and actually listen to us. Being stone is not at all easy or simple, but it does wonders for us to have people who actually understand and respect our bodies and what they need.

A lot of LGBT poc feel much more kinship towards cishet poc than towards white LGBT people.

So don’t be surprised when one of us does have cishet friends, they’re most likely not white lol. And yes! This even goes for gay woc with cishet moc!

Sometimes it really feels like you guys are just scared of us finding community with each other rather than with you, and if some of us are more comfortable being around cishet poc than you, especially when a lesbian/bi woman of color is more comfortable around cishet moc than white lesbians/bi women, you need to ask yourself JUST how unsafe she feels around you.

How bisexuality isn’t limiting, how we can be attracted to anyone and how our attraction may present in infinite unique and Valid tm combinations

Gender nonconforming and non binary bisexuals and how our bisexuality influences our relationship with gender

Bi history just sort of in general since everyone thinks we either leapt from the void one day or were always kept from The Community by the evil gatekeeping gays, NONE OF WHICH IS TRUE

The relationship between serophobia and biphobia targeted at men, and the relationship between biphobia and the ipv rates of bi women

Developing the bisexual identity around personal wholeness and moving away from the mentality that we’re fractured, confused or temporary

I’ve gotten questions like this from both lesbians and bisexuals before, and my response is always the same: it’s absolutely alright for you to envision your future girlfriend/wife having the same sexual orientation as you, because you’re more likely to have important experiences in common as a result. There is nothing wrong with that, or with prioritizing bi girls if you’re bisexual or lesbians if you’re a lesbian. However, if you 1) deliberately go out of your way to avoid dating girls who don’t share your specific sexuality, or 2) even go as far as rejecting someone who’d be immensely compatible with you simply because they don’t share your specific sexuality, then I think you’d be practicing a vitriolic and unhealthy form of sexual separatism that does more harm than good in the long run. 

Firstly, our dating options as wlw are pretty limited. There aren’t many out wlw near us to begin with. Many wlw, especially those that live in overtly homophobic localities, are geographically isolated from each other. That’s why dating apps are so popular with wlw - because it’s more accessible and convenient to find women to date through social media apps and websites. So in that vein, it makes no sense logistically and emotionally to restrict an already constrained dating pool. 

Secondly, a lot of this can quickly devolve into lateral biphobia or lesbophobia. It’s one thing to want to find someone who has similar experiences and understands where you’re coming from, or to prioritize your own. As a Bengali bisexual woman, the people who understand me most in this world are going to be other Bengali bisexual women, because they share my race, ethnicity, gender, and sexuality. So it makes sense that I gravitate toward them. However, I’m not going to limit myself just to them, or reject a potential woman of color just because she isn’t bisexual or Bengali. I’ve been attracted to plenty of non-Bengali people and girls who aren’t bisexual before. And I’m not going to automatically discount them if they don’t share my race, ethnicity, or sexuality. 

Of course, I don’t go for white people or straight men. But that’s an issue of survival. See, white people and straight men are actually dangerous for women of color. So if a bisexual woc or lesbian woc refuses to date white people, it’s understandable, since white people oppress them. But unlike straight people/white people, lesbians don’t oppress us, and we don’t oppress lesbians. Some bi women can be lesbophobic, and some lesbians can be biphobic. But bi women and lesbians cannot oppress each other. 

In that same vein, I get that dating a girl who shares your specific sexuality may mean that she understands your experiences. But that isn’t always the case. I’ve met bi women who’ve never experienced anything I have, and I’ve met lesbians who’ve shared numerous experiences that I’ve gone through as well. This idea that lesbians and bisexual women have discrete, inherently separable experiences is false, and it’s rooted in identity politics. At the end of the day, our sexualities are perceived as threats to the patriarchal order. We are thus marginalized, abused, and brutalized by men and straight people for being women who love women. Some of our issues are going to manifest differently, and we’re not going to conceptualize our erotic, gender, or sexual self-concepts in the exact same ways. But there are many things we share in common as well. Not to mention that there is no universal “bisexual” or “lesbian” experience. For example, I share far more in common with lesbians of color (and even straight women of color) than I do with white bi women! The racial factor is crucial to experiencing sexuality and womanhood, so a lesbian of color will always empathize with and relate to my material reality far more than a white bisexual woman will. 

And I’m not preaching the idea that we should all unite under the homogenous “wlw” banner at all times and during all moments. I’m not saying that every experience we have will affect us universally. There are things I go through as a bisexual woman that lesbians may not, and there are things lesbians go through that bisexual women may not. We approach gender/womanhood and sexuality differently. There are critical moments when we have to discuss specific experiences that don’t overlap or traverse sexual lines. Shoving us into a homogenous category is absolutely detrimental to solidarity and to community building. But so is practicing defensiveness and separatism.