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@tigerlilypurr
the equipment we needed has been acquired, and daddy is home.
suits is one of our favorite shows to watch together, but he doesn't remember it, so we're starting over from the beginning. i'm enjoying watching it with him because i already knew he was going to love it. the orville is next, then boston legal, then chuck. i haven't told him the yellowstone spinoff we were waiting for is out because he'd want to watch them both. they're too dark, and we are curating a mood.
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my husband is good and just in a way that is as noble as it is quiet. he's not naรฏve, itโs more a purity of disposition.
his phd was in criminal justice. he can look at darkness out in the world and keep his footing. but when the darkness is mine, his footing gets less reliable. i can feel it as iโm speaking. the air changes. he goes heavy. he tries to stay with me and i can see it costing him.
and then the roles switch. i start protecting him from what iโm saying, which means i canโt fully say it. i come to him for comfort and end up providing it.
it's an old trick. i did it as a daughter. now i do it as a wife.
when he fell asleep, i messaged k on signal. she doesnโt flinch. ever. with her i can be understood at scale. i can be dark. i can be dazzling. i can be wounded. i can be fierce. without having to worry about managing anyone's feelings about my feelings. i've started planning a trip to see her that i don't know when i'll be able to take.
two of the men i have loved in my life have disliked their birthdays, and for quite similar reasons. outwardly, they appear very different, but in my experience, they have been the most reliable. both certainly deserved better than the conditions that made ignoring their own birthdays feel easier than celebrating them. it's deeply unfair that the most dependable among us have so often been let down.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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โLet not your heart tremble in the heart of the sea, when you see mountains trembling and heaving, and sailorsโ hands as limp as rags, and soothsayers struck dumb. When they set their course, they were full of joy, but now they are beaten back in shame. The whole ocean is yours to escape in, but your only refuge is the snare of the deep. The sails quiver and quake, the beams creak and shudder. The hand of the wind toys with the waves, like reapers at the threshing: now it flattens them out, now it stacks them up.โ
โ Judah Halevi, from โThe Poet Imagines His Voyageโ, The Penguin Book of Hebrew Verse
i would rather not be this specific, but the less specific version is less useful, and the part i have not said is the part that might make a difference to someone else.
the personal part is not what i did after rehab, but why it mattered.
my drinking was trauma aftermath, not chemical dependence, so there was also seven months of intensive dbt, three times a week. it included a psychiatrist, a psychopharmacologist, and a therapist led support group.
i experienced a very near miss at twenty, and i wrongly told myself that surviving it meant i was fine. i moved back to california and believed i had left it behind me, which was convenient, and also not true.
from this distance, i think some of that was emotional shock. a type of refusal, and i'm very good at refusal. i did not want to look at it, or admit that it had changed me. that part took years. but you cannot heal from something you are still insisting did not alter you.
iโve realized the private part may be the most worth passing on. and honestly, i'd be even more lost right now, especially right now, without those seven months to lean on.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Suddenly the Bull was facing her, as though he had been lifted like a chess piece, swooped through the air, and set down again to bar her way. He did not charge immediately, and she did not run. He had been huge when she first fled him, but in the pursuit he had grown so vast that she could not imagine all of him. Now he seemed to curve with the curve of the bloodshot sky, his legs like great whirlwinds, his head rolling like the northern lights.
-Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
pomp and power
juvenile blue belly in the driveway this morning, burlingame, california
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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for anyone in california trying to figure out who to call about healthcare coverage, access problems, denials, delays, long-term care complaints, medi-cal, medicare, or covered california:
medi-cal managed care & mental health ombudsman โ dhcs 888-452-8609
medi-cal general helpline โ dhcs 800-541-5555
medi-cal state hearings / public inquiry 800-743-8525 tty: 800-952-8349
long-term care ombudsman crisis line for nursing homes, assisted living, and long-term care facility complaints 800-231-4024
state long-term care ombudsman office 916-419-7510
california dept. of social services complaint line for licensed residential care, assisted living, board-and-care, and adult day programs 844-538-8766
medicare + medi-cal ombudsperson program for people with both medicare and medi-cal 855-501-3077 tty: 711
hicap โ medicare counseling and advocacy 800-434-0222
dmhc help center for private/managed health plan complaints, care delays or denials, and independent medical review 888-466-2219 tdd: 877-688-9891
covered california service center usually the first place to try before the covered california ombuds office 800-300-1506 tty: 888-889-4500
health consumer alliance free help with health coverage and access problems 888-804-3536 tty: 877-735-2929
because healthcare systems are confusing on purpose and sometimes you just need a real phone number.
โโFor life to have personal meaning, there must be people who matter to us, and for whom we matter, unconditionally and non-substitutably.โ
โ Rabbi Jonathan Sacks ZโL
