VioletLightAura

Journal 365 - day 192

LOUDLY.

I don’t want to use my default mode anymore. To shut down. To not speak. To say nothing, because it’s easier than being misunderstood. 

To be quiet, and just let it live inside me . Every time I decide to hold it in, I fail to show up for myself and stand up for her. 

I am determined to choose and act differently. I will speak. I will let go of trying to control how others view me, to be okay with not being heard properly.

I will practice articulating myself proudly.

For her. 

Sometimes even just for a moment, I see her. I feel her fighting for the light to hit her face, so she can show her face, and begin to act and feel herself again. I feel the most myself when I feel her rising. she's full of love for life, and excitement, and awe, and gratitude. she's more resilient, and understanding, and hopeful. she wants to work to gain, and be seen, and give.

I like her the most.

Every time she pokes through I remember how nice it was, and ensure to catch her again soon, and hope that one day she might not stay just for a quick visit, and instead decide to stay with only short trips away.

Journal 365 - Day 184

I love hearing water flowing down the stream, through the rocks and over the falls. The hum feels calming. and filling, as though it fills up all the spaces left in the mind. Its almost overstimulating in the beginning as it pushes through and fills up places not occupied, and then starts to wash the rest away, and i'm left with only the sounds of rushing water flowing through. I can't hear anything else, blocking all other noise, thoughts, anxieties, distractions, to do lists. My body is relaxed and mind calm.

Part one: The beauty in nature

when the sunlight beams through the trees; the sound of water trickling down a stream; the smell of leaves when you tear them in half; the smell of rain; the colours in the sky during a sunset and sunrise; the smell of a pine forest; the sound of the waves splashing on shore; the feeling of warm sunshine hitting my skin; when the leaves turn orange and yellow, the colours of autumn; watching a butterfly flutter past; a magpies song

THE FORTH DIVISION

Right Action To promote moral, honourable and peaceful conduct. To abstain from destroying life, stealing, dishonest dealing. To help others lead peaceful and honourable lives.

What the Buddha Taught - Walpola Rahula

having all the ideas

will never create them

moving and action

will free them from the mind

to the hands

and the body will create them

I'm seeing what delays it. I'm listening a little more, and understanding a little better. All those intentional thoughts and actions leading me in the direction I CRAVE.

She only cared

but in caring so much, she only enabled

so the caring turned to harming

and she was never able to learn to care for herself

Feelings of relief, exhaustion, happiness, loss and sadness lingered. Surrounded by all those who had been alongside him helping over the years, all the material possessions were sold. 

By the end of that day, even the Rossi Boots were thrown over the fence.

Phillipines - Malay, Aklan

Today I am GRATEFUL for;

My creative ideas

The sun peering through the storm

The abundances of fresh food in my fridge

The trees filling up my bedroom window

This page to help me write

The oxygen I'v breathed in

My salt lamps mood light

My warm bed socks

My books filled with knowledge

The wifi

she knew her dark days

when she no longer feared the shadows

that might grab her in the dark

and instead wished they'd take her away

She's so angry

and so she should be

She has the right to be

Mad about how she was treated

But now it consumes her

and she's treating herself the same way