Junebug

I don’t usually feel like delving into my personal life but I’m just detailing some aspects of my experience in case anyone else can relate :)

I’d been questioning what I am for a long long looooong time and I’ve gone through many labels. Bisexual, straight, lesbian, demisexual, unlabelled, and lots more. Though I never really felt connected to any of them (except straight but that’s just because I gaslit myself for my whole life into believing I was). Mainly because we live in a very heteronormative and allonormative world. And I lived in an extremely hetero/allonormative environment growing up, with basically everyone telling me “one day you’re going to find that special man and you’re going to have kids and live a happy life!!” Well nearly 20 years have gone by and I have not found said special someone nor have I ever felt anything more than platonic love for anyone. Sooo… don’t think that’s gonna happen any time soon. It might one day but I’m not really in a rush.

In relation to the fact that I thought I was straight for the longest time was just because I kind of gaslit myself into thinking I was, again, because I grew up in a very heteronormative environment. And also because I felt the need to conform so much when I was growing up that I felt that because I wasn’t into women, I was probably into men. And so up until a recently, I’ve kind of been feeling weird about claiming anything on the aroace-spectrum because I thought I was straight. Upon further reflection, I realised that I’m not straight. Nor am I gay. I don’t like anyone!! And I feel so liberated being able to finally admit that!

In honour of pride month, I’d like to address a couple of misconceptions about asexuals and aromantic people!!

1. Being asexual or aromantic doesn’t mean a person doesn’t feel any romantic or sexual attraction. Asexuality and Aromanticism are both spectrums and there are many microlabels that fall under them. For example, some of you may have heard of demisexuals and demiromantics. Demisexuals are people who do not experience intimate attraction until they have formed a close emotional bond with someone. Demiromantics are people who do not experience romantic attraction until they have formed a close emotional bond with someone. And there are so many others! Like aro/acespike, cupiosexual/romantic, lithosexual/romantic (also known as akoisexual/romantic), fictosexuals, and aro/aceflux.

2. Lots of people use asexual and aromantic interchangeably. As stated before, they are two different things! A person can be asexual but not aromantic and vice versa. Or they can be both. Like me!

3. Because it is a spectrum, it is entirely possible for aromantic and asexual people to have other orientations. You can find aro and ace people who are lesbian, gay, straight, bi, pan, poly, and other orientations. All are valid!!

4. Furthermore, aces and aros are capable of love! For me, my love is pretty much platonic and familial. Sometimes it’s a little more than platonic for me but not romantic. Other aces and aros can experience love in many ways that isn’t necessarily romantic or sexual. Some aces and aros form queer platonic relationships. Not a friendship but not romance. Because I’m not in a qpr myself, I’m probably not the best person to explain what it is… plus what it looks like is unique to every queer platonic relationship.

5. Asexuals and aromantic people are indeed queer. There are a lot of people who don’t consider asexuality and aromanticism to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. Even people within the community, which is part of the reason I think so many aros and aces struggle with their identity. It’s one of the reasons I struggled so much. I myself have had a couple people tell me that demisexuality isn’t a real sexuality, that “it’s just normal”. Or that asexuality and aromanticism are just phases. The queer movement has always been about anti conformity and rejecting cishet norms… asexuals and aromantics don’t conform to those norms and standards.

6. The A in LGBTQIA+ doesn’t stand for ally. It’s asexual, aromantic, agender, and other “a” identities.

Asexuality and Aromanticism deserve to be recognised and there needs to be a lot more education. I think I would have figured myself out a lot sooner if I had had the resources to learn what they were. I mean, asexuality was still considered a mental disorder until 2013 by the DSM. Compared to other sexualities and romantic orientations, it didn’t really enter public consciousness until the early 2000s thanks to the internet. So I’m glad we have the internet.

To my fellow aros and aces, you are all valid! And happy pride month to everyone in the LGBTQ+ community!! Stay safe out there!

Also as a bonus, here are the flags I use and identify with :3

Both asexual flags. The one on the left (one I’m sure many will recognize) is the 2010 asexual pride flag made by a member of AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network).

The second one is an alternate flag made in April of this year by Ace in Grace on Instagram. I personally like the alternate one more so I think I will use that one more often than the original. Though I don’t really have much of an issue with the original flag too.

This is the aromantic pride flag made by cameronwhimsy here on Tumblr in 2014.

And this is the aromantic asexual pride flag, also known as the sunset aroace flag which I think is so cute. It was made in 2018 by tumblr user aroaesflags. It’s my favourite one.