shining like fireworks @viedeclur - Tumblr Blog

"You will care for somebody, and you'll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it's your way, and you will and I'll watch."

—Laurie to Jo, Little Women (2019)

#i still cri every tim

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ziggyplayedd

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

I’m trying so hard to pull myself out of this relapse. School feels…terrible? Like how am I functioning??? In fact, how have I gotten 100% on every midterm/test so far??? Legit 100%, on 3/3 PT school *term 4* midterms??? What???

#my brain works but also doesn’t but idk I honestly CANNOT FOCUS OR COPE ANY MORE #I self medicate all the time and I just cannot

viedeclur

I just wrote a long post to get out a lot of thoughts while walking on the treadmill and I am really proud of this for once - more than all of my previous rants and hopeful journal entries. This time; I will follow through. I will get out of this cycle. I can do this!! I’m going to sit down after stretching and edit and make this post. Warning: it’s going to be a mess. But I was struggling to sit down with pen and paper (usually it’s the other way around, but...?). Now I’ve gotten the thoughts out and I feel much mentally lighter and encouraged.

viedeclur

Okay I’ll do this tonight before bed. Time to study for my neuroanatomy final exam tomorrow. Last one of this term. Provided I pass everything; including my clinical exam yesterday morning; I will be leaving for my first placement on Sunday afternoon and starting bright & early at 7 am Monday!!!

I KNOW: I JUST KNOW: that this placement will have a similar « reset & uplift » effect that Edinburgh had on me in July 2019. I know it. I am going to be okay. Three more days, to hold on and do my best to get an early start on implementing healthier habits and bashing down the ugly ones, and then I know I’m going to be feeling so so much better when I am there.

#personal #physio school things

I just wrote a long post to get out a lot of thoughts while walking on the treadmill and I am really proud of this for once - more than all of my previous rants and hopeful journal entries. This time; I will follow through. I will get out of this cycle. I can do this!! I’m going to sit down after stretching and edit and make this post. Warning: it’s going to be a mess. But I was struggling to sit down with pen and paper (usually it’s the other way around, but...?). Now I’ve gotten the thoughts out and I feel much mentally lighter and encouraged.

#personal #long ramble full of analogies incoming #some of them are super cringe but they really help I think

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Hey, just checking in to let you know that you're one of my favorite tumblr bloggers and I hope that you can see the wisdom in not doing anything drastic but instead seeking the help or reassurance in a more sustainable way. 💞 Stick around pls.

Im so sorry I just saw this now. Thank you so much: this means a lot more than you could ever know, anon. I want to be more present on here again in a normal/positive way, and that involves, as you said, needing to stick around in terms of ... life, in general. I’m really trying really hard but tbh every day is still getting worse and worse. I need life to go back to normal, the pandemic life / physio school realities in this context are really destroying me at the moment. but that is entirely out of my control...so I must find better ways to get through this.

longlivetv

Does anyone else have a particular date or event that ‘started’ the pandemic for them? Even though that event clearly happened after everything ‘started’?

#Friday March 13th - night before my physio school interview when I was in Saskatoon already/had already flown out here for it #when I got an email that my Queen’s University med school interview in March 26th was officially ❌🙃#and I had already booked a hotel room & train from Toronto — Kingston #and then I was at Lachlan’s house with his parents after my physio school interview I think when the Juno’s (in Saskatoon!) were canceled #and so were all sports and blah #and then Lachlan’s dad got an email saying he wouldn’t be teaching/able to go into his office on campus on Monday and would be teaching #online in 2-3 days and his mom also couldn’t go to work on campus / at the admin building and we were literally ALL having a melt down #except Lachlan cuz his life wasn’t affected lmfao #sigh

Went to a provincial park and socialized (with masks on) and did some outdoor winter activities today (canaduhhhh) and then I went to my physio appointment (how ironic lol, my thoracic spine/paraspinal muscle groups are f’d)... and then by the end of that I literally came home high as a freaking kite and feeling unstoppable & less depressed than I have been feeling this entire year so far.

(picture taken when I got home - messy hair due to humidity by the lake/very warm winter day for us aka +1-2 Celsius).

#high as in high from socializing because I am so goddamn isolated when I’m not in lab cuz that’s the only time I am around others #and this was my first time making it out to a social event with my cohort #!!!!

Guest blogger Alana Massey on thinness and the illusion of being carefree: “My getting up to run eight miles the morning after sleeping toge

This article haunts me every day and it perfectly describes my experiences in 2019 (including when I was in Edinburgh summer 2019, and still weighed over 10lbs more than I am now... )... alllll of last year & even now (after having gained a terrifyingly noticeable 5lbs (thx to being peanut sized at 5’3”).... aka the 5 lbs from hell over the last two months due to stress & bad habits)... and 6+ from the summer)...

It’s reassuring that , at least, I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like the collective experiences of women is ... eerie and shocking.

#tw: ed #tw: misogyny #strangers started being nice and flirty to me too #it’s wack #:(#I’m treated so much better now that I’m thin #in many ways #but guys want to still control the idea that I’m thin but have zero problems ;) thus..#they are bothered when I tell them I can’t hang out because I need to get a run in or get some sleep or that I can’t eat x because y

snoopyist

girls be like “i literally cant do this anymore im at my limit” [continues to do this]

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2disgusting

being a woman is just *hates current appearance* *looks back a few months later* wait i was beautiful.....*hates current appearance* *looks back a few months later* wait i was beautifu

Today the aggressive social stigma of being a single woman above the age of 25 in Saskatchewan hit me full force and I just .... ouch. Literally, ouch.

#there are so many things to unpack here #I typed up a long post then I just stopped #this isn’t me being dramatic this is insanely real here

today i entertained myself / romanticized my own damn life / was given momentary comedic relief in the form of a « my life is a tv show » a la: « my classmate and I met in person for the first time and we picked up a 300 + lb treadmill with her boyfriend and subsequently ... slid ... while nearly screaming .... said treadmill while her boyfriend backed it down my single direct set of stairs. Masks and all, we picked up a 300 lb machine!! Off the ice on my walkway!! on the second official day of a typical freeeezing prairie winter day!! No one can tell us anything!! I am so weak Msk but so proud of myself. And more than anything: thankful for friends who helped despite this shitty chaos.

#:)))#thankful #happy #relieved #best part?#I didn’t have to resort in desperation to asking toxic men of my past for help!!#that would have triggered me into oblivion )#NOT TODAY SATAN

something that is always my downfall when I’m trying to be ~more positive and stress free ~ is my body’s own ... outrage / protest? At any significant change from a previously established routine. Even if the new routine is significantly ~healthier~, like successfully going to bed much earlier, getting more sleep (and better quality!), or not spending 10 hrs / days spent hunched over at a desk, choosing more nutrient dense foods (more fiber! Protein! Iron! Vitamin C!), my body responds like: excuse me? Wat do u think u r doin? Do not liek. As punishment here are some intense somatic complaints xoxox

#every time!!#whyyyyy #f my GI system in particular like noooo #this is not how my holiday break was supposed to start

ewaneneollav

dark ouside huh? :) thats because its winter now. & if you listen i can tell you more. about this world

bakwaaas

this is how men speak to women

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bakwaaas

being a woman is just [scared of becoming my mother] [wondering if I deserve better] [wondering if im good enough] [going for long walks alone] [being plagued by imposter syndrome and self doubt] [crying] [feeling the weight of all my female ancestors suffering and pain] [making myself small and silent] [unlearning guilt and shame] [scared of marrying a man like my father] [forgiving my parents for the mistakes they never apologised for] [forgiving myself]

viedeclur

I need to get a treadmill or I won’t be running until the late spring I guess ??? Covid is surging and there’s no way I’m going to my gym anymore (I haven’t since there were a bunch of positives at my gym, thankfully on nights I wasn’t there, but I missed it by 1 day each time and it was someone who also goes in the evenings: there have been many cases at my gym since...).

Pro-Tip for pandemic sanity: don’t live in a place that has like 9 months of some of the most brutal winters on the planet lol

Edit: the blizzard was so bad (and in a prairie city that is no stranger to blizzards/extreme winter....)... that our city mayoral elections had to be postponed beside people COULD NOT get to the polls.

Also in the city’s health region they had to put out a call for volunteers with ski-doos (snowmobiles) to ferry hospital staff to work...insanity

viedeclur

Update: I ordered a treadmill!!!! I had to bite the bullet. Expensive as heck but I have no other choice - it’s buy the treadmill, or don’t run until the spring (gym is not an option. My gym has Covid cases every week).

Anyways, it is still out of stock on Amazon but hopefully I get an update on that soon....it would be nice to get it before Christmas. It’s virtually impossible to run outside anymore, already, as I explained re: poorly handled snowstorm backlog.

I’m excited that I’ll be able to keep my hard earned running fitness this year somewhat up going into next year, now!!! While I still will be studying from home next term we will have labs and clinical a few times a week. Then; late april-may we are supposed to go ahead with our first placement....I want to make sure I am mentally AND physically healthy as possible for that time.

#also #I am on a new medication now #and it is literally ... literally saving my life #it is incredible #I haven’t felt like myself in months #I haven’t been able to detach from my lizard brain in so long #I have had horrible impulse control and emotional regulation #and I feel..... so so much better I could cry tears of joy #it’s hard to describe just how drastic the improvement is #I needed to get back on my feet with eating #and this is finally helping my brain to HELP ME do that!!!

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