Welcome to Predrinks at Laylah’s, the podcast where I have a drink with a guest and discuss the topic du jour. In this episode, I had the most gorgeous chats about toxic jealousy with the amazing Niamh Farrell. Listen Here CREDITS: Hosted by Laylah Beattie Produced by Niall Duggan Music by DJ Succulent Patreon: patreon.com/PredrinksatLaylahs

Welcome to Predrinks at Laylah’s, the podcast where I have a drink with a guest and discuss the topic du jour. Attraction was the topic this week and myself and Gillian Mossop had a lot to talk about. Listen Here CREDITS: Hosted by Laylah Beattie Produced by Niall Duggan Music by DJ Succulent Patreon: patreon.com/PredrinksatLaylahs

Welcome to Predrinks at Laylah’s, the podcast where I have a drink with a guest and discuss the topic du jour. This week, I got to have a gorgeous chat about confidence with artist and performer Venus Patel. Listen Here CREDITS: Hosted by Laylah Beattie Produced by Niall Duggan Music by DJ Succulent Patreon: patreon.com/PredrinksatLaylahs

Welcome to Predrinks at Laylah’s, the podcast where I have a drink with a guest and discuss the topic du jour. This week I sat down with actress and writer Tara Flynn to discuss the experiences of performance. Listen Here CREDITS: Hosted by Laylah Beattie Produced by Niall Duggan Music by DJ Succulent

I lay back in my bed and sobbed like I haven't in a long time. Crying for all of my woes, I let myself be miserable for an hour or so.

I got up early with my Mam, who had very kindly offered to drop me at my apartment before she made the journey to Wexford. She came in for a cup of coffee and I went into my room to deal with Louis’ body. He was in his little bed, looking like he was asleep. I desperately wanted him to wake up and scream at me like he used to. I wrapped him in his little blanket and disposed of him. 

When my Mam…

I woke up exhausted this morning and got into my Gran’s bed for a while. We chatted about different things before we had to get up and have breakfast. It’s fun to talk to Gran. I know my liberal opinions amuse her and it’s fun to make her laugh. When she was in the hospital it was so rare to see her laugh or smile, so I appreciate it all the more now.

Mam, Gran and I went into Dun Laoghaire to…

Getting my nails done is a relatively new habit of mine, but I find it to be so rewarding. It's nice to have someone work lovingly on your hands while you sit back and relax.

I had been planning to have a lie in this morning  because I haven’t had much sleep over the last few weeks, but that plan went out the window when my phone rang early. It was a delivery driver dropping off something. I had to dash down to him in my pyjamas and retrieve a large box which I dragged back to my apartment.

It was a new desktop computer. One that I really probably shouldn’t have…

I always thought I was an oddball and that no one would ever be able to relate to all of my quirks and discomforts around eating. That's why doing the anorexia programme meant so much to me.

Today I met my friend Sheila for coffee to discuss her writing for something I thought of. She was really enthusiastic and that brought me a lot of joy. It’s great when someone is equally enthusiastic about about a project that you’ve come up with.

I met Sheila in the anorexia programme and over coffee, we had a long talk about our issues. I can’t describe the relief you feel when you speak to…

Life is strange these days. I'm caught between the desires of two versions of myself: pre-illness and post-illness.

I’m back in Dublin and it feels good. I’m always happiest in my own room when it has a bit of order on it. My roommate is here too and she’s a lot better than I’ve seen her in a while. She’s been undergoing new treatment for her mental illness and it appears to be working.

I brought Louis up with me to take care of him. I’m sure it will be challenging over the next month or so, but I’m ready for…

One year on, I'm publishing my diary entries because apparently I haven't tortured myself enough.

I was supposed to go back to Dublin today but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I got to Dad’s house and began reading on the couch with my sister’s two dogs. I’ve been reading a lot more than normal lately. And more, shall I say, highbrow stuff than usual. It’s changing my soul, I can just feel it.

More change. If I wasn’t so ready for it, I’d be exhausted from it. After a couple of hours spent…

I slowly strangled the life out of him. Took all the happiness and strength from him. turned all his achievements into trauma. Which I had to do

I was made cry recently but a jarring realisation. I’ve become exactly what I never wanted to be: A woman ashamed of her past.

Another person who dislikes David Beattie.

One of the concerns that wrapped itself around my neck when I admitted I was transgender was the fear that my entire history would crumble apart. I wanted to love myself. I wanted to love all I’d done.

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I'm the last member of my family alive. I was the first to die.

These days I often find myself picturing the kind of aunt I’ll be. It will always be Winter. I’ll arrive and remove my hat and scarf to reveal a full head of blonde curls. Slipping out of my heavy coat to show off a colourful wrap dress. Kissing my brother in-law on the cheek, accepting a glass of red. The smell of Chanel No. 5 following me in a cloud. Pulling presents out of my handbag for my…

"I’m sure that everyone knows someone who suffers from anxiety."

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It’s been two years since I published the booklet version of my podcast Tangerine Dreams. To celebrate, I’ll be sharing the transcription of each interview over the coming weeks. You can see all the posts here.

I’m sure that everyone knows someone who suffers from anxiety. It’s not a new…

"One evening, we organised to meet up in the city for a glass of Prosecco and a chat."

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It’s been two years since I published the booklet version of my podcast Tangerine Dreams. To celebrate, I’ll be sharing the transcription of each interview over the coming weeks. You can see all the posts here.

I have been a fan of Ciara O’Doherty for a long time now. As an impressionable,…

"It’s not you, I keep reminding myself, it’s the hormones."

Now that I’ve made my ebook “Stay Wild; Notes From a Self-Aware Teen” free to the public (you can download the full thing here), I’ve decided to publish the unseen chapters here on my website. Below is a chapter from this book which was published in July 2017.

I’m sitting in the kitchen of my apartment, beside a half packed suitcase that’s about to travel (with myself) to my Mam’s house in…