Consumer of Sunlight

i enter the shower. hours pass. i emerge from the shower, having mixed all of my soaps and scrubs and lotions and conditioners and shampoos and body washes together in the tub in precise alchemical quantities. i smell like 314 different herbs and spices. my hair will not need washing for the next 500 days. my skin has developed protective chitinous scales. i step out of the tub and immediately slip and fall on a stray puddle of mane 'n tail and sprain my pussy

guy who struggles to form meaningful connections with peers: you’re like a something to me

there should be a jesus on the cross emoji. not for any religious reasons. just so I can use it for every slight inconvenience.

a warthog is a thog specialized for use in war