In the Moment

You know, for a while, I was really motivated. The pounds were falling off and it was amazing. I started to feel thin and fit and fantastic. I was down 80 lbs! That's a huge accomplishment, right?

But then it sinks in that you have to lose another 30-40 lbs to be in the "healthy" range. And then it just seems daunting. I mean, really, I've lost 80 lbs and I still feel like the big girl everywhere I go. I guess it takes a while for your mental state to catch up with your physical one. I guess we all assume that people who run half marathons all wear single digit clothing sizes. So when you run your first one in your size 12 pants, you don't really look forward to the pictures at the finish line. Sometimes, it's mentally exhausting to work and work and work just to be "less fat" ...but that's kind of how I felt aboutwhere I was.

The truth is that it's a lot easier to maintain weight than it is to continue to lose it. And after losing 80 lbs in just over a year, I found myself being tired and in desperate need of a break. Every workout, every healthy meal, every training run - it became less fun. It felt like work to me. And no one wants to do something day in and day out that feels like work. Especially when you already have to go to work every day and then leave to play taxi to two kids with far too many activities on their plate.... *sigh*

Hence, I fell into a slump. 

Sleeping in got promoted to the top of my list. Little moments of relaxation. Watching that movie that I'd been meaning to get too. Cuddling with my husband and the kids and the puppies. Eating dessert. 

And it was really amazing....and, apparently, just what the doctor ordered. I needed time to get out of my head and quit overthinking and obsessing and counting calories. I needed a mental break - probably much more than I needed a physical one.

And now I'm back. And I'm motivated. And I'm ready to tackle this last however many pounds. I'm ready to be my goal size. I'm ready to try new things. I'm ready to give up dessert for fresh fruit again.

I kept meaning to type a "YES, WE FINISHED THE TOUGH MUDDER!" post...but I wasn't certain if I was going to make it through. The event as a whole was challenging - but not overly so. I found the terrain and elevation more challenging than many of the obstacles. In fact, I wasn't really sore or physically exhausted. I felt pretty good. Starving, thirsty, and totally amped about making it through. In fact, the day after conquering the mountain we were discussing our plans for the following year. BADASS.

Unfortunately, what befell me the following week was deadly. I gently refer to it as the "Mudder Bug"....although, still not having my full voice back, I'm thinking it's more the MOTHERF*%@#ER Bug. 

I haven't been this sick in a long time. And the bug took down more than half of my team. It was a solid 5 days of runny nose, hacking, coughing, unable to catch your breath awfulness. It put me in bed for days. It kicked my ass. It kept me from work. It kept me from my final 14 mile run before the half. It made me rethink my commitment to do TM next September.