A way to be a real human person

*laying in bed reading fanfics of my blorbos*

(My brain) 'Youre disgusting, you infect everyone around with this sickness that festers in your very bones, no amount of scrubbing, burning, or cutting can reach the roots of this disease that you carry, your very exsistence is a pestilence, and you have the same worth as the filth you carry'

one of the worst parts of living in a red state as a pre-everything trans man is that i wish i could be fem and still be called 'he'

I wanna wear skirts and fishnets and boxers and flannels and cargo pants and crop tops, but i also dont want to get misgendered or beat to death on the side of the road, so i stick to swatpants and a hoodie because emotionally repressed cis guys (also know as republican men) have no style, and if i wanna be seen as a boy, i kinda gotta look like them bc everything else is for girls

This has also lead to a crazy amount of interalized sexism, i get dysphoric from using pink things???? About riding a 'girl' bike, about wearing womens shoes, its fucking stupid as hell and i wish i didnt care as much as i do

"Just put a little more effort in!" All of my effort went to getting out of bed this morning, i am burnt out

"Just try a little more" the physical effort it takes to not just fall into a pile on the floor sobbing would kill you instantly

I wish to be human again

I wish to be held again

I wish to be warm again

I wish to not fear again

I wish to wake happy again

I wish to be human again

I wish

I wish

I wish

Gender is hard, and you never have to say 'This is it! My final gender!' Because things change, i say im a trans man for simple easy terms, but in reality i have a fuck ton of lable i like to use but dont even fully commit to because gender is hard!

Gender is hard, but i like it that way, i like my strange, shifting idea of what i am, its.... nice, like that, and to never fully bind it down feels nice too.

Labels arent the end all be all, for gender or sexuality. Things change, and honestly you never have to fully label it, you can use a lot of labels, or you can use a hyperspecific label, or no label at all! Its your life, live it to be happy.