yo.

I’m a disabled person, stuck at home living with my parents and am jobless. As a result, I’m completely dependent on my parents. I also am unable to drive.

“Wants” are a precious commodity.

A regular person with a job? If they want coffee, they could go get themselves coffee. They want to go somewhere? Get something? Even if money is tight, they could give themselves a little treat every now and then.

I have to time my wants. I have to save them. I have strategize them. Being entirely dependent on others to get anything in life (clothing, money for medicine, food, and things considered to be luxuries like games) is guilt and anxiety-inducing, self-worth shattering, soul crushing.

I have someone who used to be a dear friend, trying to tell me that it’s okay to voice my wants even if it means it never comes to fruition.

No. No, it is not okay. One who could get one’s self a little treat whether it be coffee or stickers or a new book by one’s own means, could never understand. One could never understand how sharp and painful the knife is with every rejection. With every reminder about how small you have to make your existence.

how exhausting it is to have your body not be able to do things, while your brain carries on as if it can.

how exhausting and painful it is to try to do things and not fully be accommodated for your needs.

how exhausting goddamn brain fog is. it gets me every day it feels like and i'm still surprised.

how exhausting and frustrating it is to be ill and to think you're having a good day, but SURPRISE, here's a flare, or a bunch of symptoms, or whatever, and now you're in pain and can't do anything. you can't make the pain stop. you just have to feel it.

how exhausting it is to know that nothing will take the pain away. that you literally just have to live with it. and that people won't get it. they won't understand that you are constantly in pain, all the time, and just have to act like you aren't.

how exhausting it is to be exhausted. the fatigue is awful. it just catches me and i can't do anything. i can't move or speak or anything. i just have to exist in it.

it's so annoying and exhausting to see my body give up and to know that i can't really do anything to stop it or cure it. it's so exhausting. it makes me want to cry constantly. i feel so tired and worn down and angry and depressed.

and yet, i have to continue on, like a normal functioning member of society. i have people look at me like an imposition. i see people talk down on chronically ill or disabled people online all the time and complain about us ruining society or taking away resources or whatever the fuck bullshit.

and it makes me feel so shitty that society perceives my only worth as my physical ability to contribute to a fucked up system.

“When the approach is imminent, the tail goes up”