Journaling My Healing

Why do I still miss you, why I am I waiting for you to come back?? I just woke up from a dream in a backrooms setting, but it was a university, my family, random people, and you. You had a girlfriend and I knew it, we kept making eye contact while you were with her and your friends. You changed your instagram bio to something saying you were going to the same school as me. I was fixing up my room and you walked in with your girlfriend. I made eye contact with you and I could physically feel the hurt I felt missing you, I motioned you to come near me and you just shook your head at me and grabbed your girlfriend and kissed her in front of me. That’s all i remember, but when I woke up I realized I’m forgetting your face, and it hurts so so much. I thought I was moving on. I started flirting with people again instead of just waiting for you, I had fun I didn’t want anything from it but I had fun. I was finally opening myself up again, I was putting myself out there after a year of just waiting for you, and now I just feel guilty. I’m still waiting for you to come back subconsciously. I keep thinking you’ll randomly show up and decide you want to change so I can have you back, but I can’t. You’re gone for good this time and I just can’t shake it. I’m forgetting everything how your kiss felt, how you looked at me, the things we talked about, and I feel guilty even though YOU let everything go every single time. My brain doesn’t want me to let go even though my heart is aching knowing I have to. I just think it’s so cruel every time I start to move on I dream about him. It’s like a punishment. When can I move on and not feel guilty?? When will I stop mentally waiting for you???

I haven’t updated in awhile, I’ve been collecting myself since the man I thought was the one for me made me realize for the last time that he just simply does not want me. I think about him still every single day and it’s been 3 months since we’ve spoke. I’ve been meeting good people, I have this amazing friend I’ve been hanging out with she’s easy to open up to which I struggle with a lot, we’re so similar life experiences wise, and she genuinely cares about me and shows it. I had to cancel plans due to me having to use my savings for our hang out for necessities for my cat. I apologized and she said “it’s okay we got forever to hang out again” and that felt really good. I have never had a friend be kind to me, im usually the person who asks to hang out again or says that I miss them but she does the same mutually. I have never encountered with someone that is like she is and I like to take it as a path of growth. I have raised my standards and grown enough as a person to open myself up to beautiful genuine connections, friends, relationships, it doesn’t matter. People from the beginning of this blog 2 years ago know I’ve been medicated for bipolar disorder, my meds were switched around and I feel better than my last combo but still struggle of course. I’ve been 10 months celibate and haven’t had the need to be in a relationship which a few years ago I would’ve hopped right into because I couldn’t stand being alone, I love being alone now, being able to be me, make time for myself, do things and go out by myself, I enjoy my solidarity and I love that for myself. I’ve had to come in close proximity with my mother who I cut off last year, my sister wanted me to go to her graduation with her, I had PTSD dreams of her abuse for 2 weeks before the graduation and my other family knew and made sure she didn’t speak to me or make a scene which was nice. Currently I’m in a mixed manic-depression episode trying to find motivation to clean my room. My tattoo artist recently introduced me to the resident evil franchise with requiem and I’ve played every game in order since I love it it’s genuinely the only thing keeping me motivated in such a confusing time for myself. I think I get better with healing by the day and I’m going to keep taking the steps until it does not hurt anymore

I had a really impactful conversation with my friend today. She has a girlfriend and they both love each other very much, communication is phenomenal, and is just all around what I’ve been trying to find for myself. I asked her how she did it just so I could follow in her steps. I explained I’ve always felt like I had little to no time and get impatient when it comes to finding my person so I just look for A PERSON myself. She told me all she did was wait. That it just fell into her lap when the time was right. She said if things went any differently than it did it wouldn’t have worked out like it does for them. She kind of just waited and said if it happens it happens. The fact that she did and there was a good outcome gives me hope for myself. I also told her that saying she wanted to play video games with me last night meant a lot to me since I don’t have much emotional permanence, I find it hard to believe with everything I’ve been through that people could actually like me and my company. She said that she doesn’t mind playing with me ever, that I can just ask and she’ll probably do it if she’s not busy. That made me feel good. I opened up about my last 2 relationships to her, something I find hard to talk about. She was sympathetic and supportive her concern confirms what I went through wasn’t me just being dramatic even more, also a nice feeling. Feeling appreciated by my friends is something I don’t feel often, to that extent anyway. Today was the first good day I’ve had in weeks because I felt seen by a friend. I opened up to someone and they didn’t see me differently, I’m proud of myself for not remaining avoidant and letting myself open up. I realized when mentioning my abusive ex I don’t cry about it anymore, it actually doesn’t upset me much either. It sucks but I was extremely normal about everything and that was a nice feeling too. I’m just so grateful to have friends that care about me and show it visibly

It truly does get better with time but I think hate that it has to. Why do I have to become comfortable with your absence? Why is the empty space next to me supposed to feel less empty? I never wanted this, I just wanted you. I hate that I have to get used to you being gone, and I hate that it will get easier. I miss when waiting meant having you at the end of it, waiting for calls, texts, games, visits. Now I just have to wait until I stop staring at the space your car used to park in my driveway, I have to wait until things stop reminding me of you, I have to wait until it stops hurting. I know that it will too, you weren’t the first, the last, or the worst I will get over this but I think that hurts even more. I don’t want your absence to become more comforting than your presence, I don’t want to accept this is how it needs to be. I just have to do this all over again with somebody else over time?? That fucking sucks. We were so alike. You knew things about me I’d never say to anyone else, you related to things I felt so misunderstood and outcasted for having been through them. But somehow through everything I still don’t think you even knew me. I don’t think you wanted to. You saw some things that others hadn’t, simple things anyone with human decency would see, and I ran with that. You saw me maybe, but you didn’t understand. You wouldn’t have done what you did to me if you understood. You would’ve cared enough to at least try. Good Riddance.

recently I realized what my current biggest problem is. around this time last year I was going to the gym consistently and losing weight, I started my job I have now and became the right amount of important where everyone noticed me around the whole district and gave me employee of the year, I had friends I liked to see at work and who would take me to work, I worked alone but was efficient with energy, I had puzzle books and played wordle everyday, I had a consistent sleep schedule, I had a purpose. I don’t feel like I have one now. My sleep schedule is shit, I haven’t gone to the gym in months, I barely have friends that I see consistently maybe just one in my class if that, and at my job I just kind of exist, I don’t feel important anymore, and I don’t know how to find a purpose where I do again :/ I know I could start with gym and sleep but I just don’t know how to feel that good and important, this time last year was the happiest I’ve ever been and it just so happened to be around the time me and my ex met. It kind of went downhill after we met. I hate myself for letting it get this bad, I just wish I could be that good again, I want to feel important and purposeful, I don’t know how to do that again.

I caught myself today saying something he would say to me. “I just disappear, I think I’ll always be this way” I had really close friends I made during Covid, they got me through my abusive relationship after it ended, but I kept leaving without a trace or a warning, I have always had this problem. When something goes wrong I vanish without a word. I didn’t realize the extent of it until today, I had always rationalized it as protecting my peace but it wasn’t. I probably worried a lot of people, hurt a lot of people, definitely confused them. Part of healing is realizing that your coping skills can be ugly. My ex told me those same words and it made me feel like he didn’t care about me until it came out of my mouth. When I leave I care about these people, I just resent them because I hate myself. I have a jealousy problem, it’s not pretty, none of my healing lately has been. Healing is not just hopecore and doing positive things, it’s ugly, it’s angry, and needs a copious amount of accountability. I always tell people my ex is the unhealed version of me, we relate in so many ways on so many levels and have been through the exact same traumas growing up, we think alike and have the same humor and everything, but he just does not want to get better. He shuts himself in and pushes everyone away and calls it being selfish for his happiness. I believe that he cares about me now, just not the way I deserve. Not the way I need, and that’s okay. I have to be open with accepting that. I do not want to end up like him, in a way he’s a reminder to keep going and see what I could have been. That might be cruel to say, but I just cannot help someone who won’t help themselves anymore. I want to be a good friend, a good person, to stop disappearing when things get hard. This was a much needed lesson for me.

I was wrong. I was so wrong. God I hate how wrong I was. You will never change, I tried so hard to make things work again you said what I wanted from you wasn’t too much to ask, that you could do it. I let you have your space, I let you do what you needed to do feel better even if it didn’t include me. All I wanted was for you to let me know when you needed it and you couldn’t even do that. You left me here again. I don’t know why I thought it would be different this time, maybe because I spoke up??? It will never be the same as before, and I am having so much trouble coming to terms with that. I keep dreaming about you, I zone out and keep dissociating every time you come into my brain in any shape and form. I’m trying so hard to ignore what I was so sure of and the fact that I was wrong. I am so much more hurt than I was the first time. I kept imagining us together and it was everything I ever wanted. Only because I blurred the parts I hated out. You do coke, you disappear, you don’t put me first, you are not over your ex no matter what you say to me I know this for a fact you are not, and you never wanted me. What was everything you said to me even for?? To keep me around for when it was convenient ?? You say everything you know I ever wanted to hear from someone and use it to your advantage. You are evil and horrible. You say you meant everything you said but you disappeared after saying it. You make me hate myself. Talking to you is my form of self sabotage you make me regress and you make me worse. I hate you. I fucking hate that you did this to me. I’m looking for comfort in other people again even though I know I won’t sleep with them I still feel guilty. I just want to feel fucking important for once I want someone to see me since you won’t even look my way. I want someone to fill the spaces you never could. I want to be noticed and known by somebody. I don’t want to be alone. I hate you and I hate that I miss you. People care about me and love me and enjoy my presence but somehow you not appreciating anything is fucking me up all over again. I hate how much power you have over me, I hate that I let you get this close. I have to start over again and I hate that you brought me here to this point after telling me you wanted to work things out just to fucking do the same thing all over again. I was stupid for not knowing, not expecting it. I just loved you so fucking much I would’ve believed anything you said to me if it meant you would scratch my head and hold me like you do. I hate that you make me this weak. I hate having to accept I can’t have you without losing myself. You genuinely make me hate myself every time we speak. You don’t compliment me or do anything to show you think I’m attractive unless it’s sexual. I feel disgusting and unworthy to you when we speak. All I do is compare myself to your ex because you actually wanted to be with her and not me. You wanted to marry her and I’m just here when it’s convenient. What the fuck did I do to deserve that. I cared so much, I would’ve blindly done anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. I was beyond loyal and so consistent and considerate I opened up to you and you couldn’t even fucking tell me the truth or communicate with me. I get nauseous every time I think about you, physically sick. I deserve better but it genuinely fucks me up that you couldn’t be. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I deserve what she had but you don’t want to give it to me, what did she do that I didn’t?? Why can’t you look at me and see something ANYTHING that makes you want to stay. I hate you so much I can’t believe I thought you were different. I can’t believe I let myself go through all of this for you. I should’ve known better. I should’ve kept quiet and left you alone. God I’m so fucking angry and disappointed in myself. I just can’t believe how this ended and I can’t process that it has to stay this way now. What the fuck do I do now?? How do I move on from someone like you??

there’s something about you that’s just so unshakable to me. the talk we just had was everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from someone. I haven’t opened up to anyone in years, I never thought I’d even be comfortable to do it again. the fact that you made it clear that you even see me the way I never thought anyone would the fact that you went out of your way to say “I see you. I notice.” It just meant so much to me, genuinely drove me to tears. you said you can see I’m trying to be better than what I was shown, that I’m good at what I do and you actually believe in me. we’re so alike it’s like looking in a mirror. I think you’re the only person who will ever understand. you said I don’t have to explain myself for anything I did before we met, you know what I’ve done and still respect me. I told you everything I’ve been keeping from everyone and you didn’t change anything you felt about me after. I never thought I would have that. I’m so used to being perceived as a sex crazed deviant with no feelings or depth, somehow you’ve seen through all of it, I beared my soul to you and even while flinching you were still so gentle. you are the only person who I’ve opened up to since my last and only relationship. I told you about it and you didn’t think of me any differently. I relate to you in a way I could never with anyone else. I pray to whoever is listening that we can work through this. I pray that it really is you. I get to see you soon, I don’t know if I could let you go when I do. I’ve missed you so much it physically hurt to think about you. I know you felt me pulling, I know you were pulling too. you know I’m bipolar, you know about my mom, you know about things I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone else, and you kept the same demeanor for me. I can’t even put into words how much it means to me. I knew we’d find a way back again. I know we’ll make it through everything again this time.

I have DRAGGED myself out of places that have left me limp. Since I could remember I have always miraculously found a way out. God I look at photos from 10 years ago and know exactly what was happening in that moment. I was miserable. I put up with so much disrespect because I thought i deserved it, I thought that was love, I thought it would let me be loved. That’s all I have ever wanted, and it still is. As much as I want love I will never put myself through hell for it again. I respect myself too much to put myself in a situation like I was in 10 years ago. Just telling myself that I respect myself too much to put up with something healed so much inside of me. I DO deserve better than what I have been shown and I will claw and drag my way through this hell until I get what I deserve. I will never settle again. I will never exchange my desire for love through cheap intimacy again. I am changing for the better. I am growing. That fact alone is a huge weight off of my shoulders. That fact alone healed something in me that I never knew I needed 10 years ago.

I’ve been working on trying to accept my life as it is right now. This job and going to school knowing I won’t graduate for 3 years if I I’m consistent makes me feel stuck. I’m always worried I’ll be stuck here forever. I try to remember when I was babysitting for money because I couldn’t even find a job, or when I was at my lowest point in phoenix and thought I’d never get better, being peak unmedicated bipolar and wonder what was wrong with me. Those were moments I never thought I would escape and one day I just kind of did??? I remain hopeful that this too will feel like that. Healing is never easy, especially with what I need to heal from with so little time to process. I have gotten so much better though even if it’s not fully, I get it pointed out to me all the time. I’ve been getting asked on dates with people I meet in person, which is still new to me. I’m a little scared to start dating again honestly, I don’t want to lose myself again, I don’t want to feel like I did the last time I dated someone. Granted I am in therapy now with someone who genuinely cares for me and helps me be this better version of myself. I haven’t been on a date in over a year, I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet, but I don’t think I’ll ever be “ready” at the same time. The idea of having someone is nice, but I know what the reality for me can look like. I can’t go my whole life avoiding dating because of my fear, especially because I so badly want to be a wife and a mother more than anything. I’m not sure what it is that’s holding me back from wanting to be with someone, probably the fear or maybe still hating myself partially. I have this client that stops by my office sometimes, he’s a great guy very family oriented and sweet. I gave him a 50% discount on his return because he looked like he needed it. He still tells me how much he appreciated it and tells me about his life and how he’s doing. He told me that I have good karma and luck coming my way and I really want to believe it. Dating just feels hopeless right now, I want to say that I like being alone, and I do most of the time, but there’s moments where I wish I could be with someone and have the closeness again. I just don’t see myself being with someone anytime soon and it actually working out. I don’t know how to date someone again and not put out either, I want to talk to my therapist about when a good time would be to know. I still want to be consistent with a routine, which I’ve been slacking on even though my therapist wrote out a schedule for me, before I start dating again. Everyone thinks I’m an independent hard working woman and that’s probably what they like about me, but there’s so much more underneath and I don’t think I’m ready to get into that again with someone. I just feel lonely lately. I’m conflicted on what to do or how to go about this.

I think it’s okay to be selfish when you’ve done the exact opposite your whole life, and I think that it’s beautiful you can always do a hard reset in your life and start over. The past few days have been rough. My cat was sick, my family has been fighting, I found out my sister wants to start seeing her dad even after finding out he would physically abuse me and my mom. I’ve learned to detach myself from what I can’t control and let people do what they want instead of exhausting myself trying to save them. I have to save myself first, and I have gotten better with that. The problem is that everyone around me can see that too. I’ve been called selfish the past 2 weeks more than I have my whole life, but I am content with that. My siblings and cousins are all 16 and under while I’m about to be 22. There’s only so much I can do when they’re fighting but I’d rather pour into my own cup than worry about what they will or won’t do to fix their own problems. My grandmother on the other hand wants to save everyone, she wants people to know that she’s there even if it means stressing and sabotaging herself. I still don’t talk to my mother, I haven’t since September and I try to hear the least amount of things about her as humanly possible because she’s never going to change. I seem to be the only person that will realize that. With my siblings and cousins fighting my mother chooses not to intervene, she just doesn’t want to deal with parenting. She doesn’t want anyone to pop her bubble of this warped reality that she made up and that everything is fine. It’s one thing to be selfish and to be a parent. My siblings told her they don’t like her drinking, from what I’ve heard she has an entire fridge full of alcohol. She got angry and defensive about it of course, but swears that her kids don’t need therapy and that therapy doesn’t help, that all they need is her. All the while my brother rips his hair out when he’s frustrated and my sister looks for a father in older men on the internet. No matter what I say they won’t listen, I was 14 and 15 once too. I tell them my opinion I give advice once and I let them do whatever they want knowing they will either learn from it or not, knowing they have to choose. My sister told me I’m selfish for not involving myself more, for not actively trying to stop what I didn’t create. I spent my whole life doing that just to end up stressed out and things playing the way they were meant to anyways. My cat is better now, but I spent the past few days staying up all night with him because I was worried if I slept I’d wake up to him not breathing anymore. What really changed everything was hearing my sister wants to start seeing her dad again. She talks about him a lot in therapy, even though she’s never met him. Which i understand, but what she isn’t doing is telling her therapist what he did and the reason he’s not allowed to be around us anymore. He would hit me and my mom while also hitting her in front of me on purpose, he told my mom he would bury us alive and intentionally find us to do so, he’s tried to kidnap my sister multiple times and I sat on the sidelines from age 6-10 watching it unfold. She knows this too. I felt myself dissociating just hearing that, I still am now even talking about it. My dad was never around either, I only met him when I was 7 because my mom didn’t want to deal with me anymore. I get what it’s like to wonder. But it just rubs me wrong that she knows what he did and is actively avoiding telling her therapist because she wants to see him. I had to take a step back and let myself accept that she’s going to do what she wants to, either she’s going to see him and find out for herself, or she’s going to wonder the rest of her life what would’ve happened if she did. I can’t do anything about that. If that makes me selfish I will be selfish. I am going to continue pouring into my own cup and letting others have the opportunity to do the same. I won’t stress myself out anymore over what other people will choose to do, what’s meant to happen WILL happen either way

I had the absolute worst manic episode yesterday I think making myself stay inside and off my phone is what made it worse. I felt so much energy running through my body to the point where I was shaking and dissociating. I deep cleaned my entire house because I felt under stimulated and communicated to everyone in my house I needed to be left alone for the day and it was respected thankfully. After I cleaned the whole house I made myself eat even though I wasn’t hungry and sat in my room with no lights or noise. I couldn’t stop crying and I don’t remember half of the day with how much my mind was racing. After I took a cold shower before bed I was able to calm down. But god I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted the stress between work and school was what pushed me over the edge honestly. I’m doing okay now but definitely still manic. Stable enough to be careful with my words and actions and function in public again but god sometimes I hate my disorder. I have therapy tomorrow so I’ll be happy to talk about it with her, I’m sure she’ll be proud I didn’t do anything reckless or impulsive

experienced the ugly part of healing today. work has been stressing me out like crazy on top of keeping up with school and my money situation everything is coming at me too fast and all at once. somehow with all the stress I had the urge to go back to my old ways and mess every piece of progress I have placed for myself. I refuse to go back but it really takes so much strength to let yourself not go back. it was the first thing that went through my mind. I had to stop myself and tell myself in between breaths that I am just stressed out and trying to avoid the stress. I am understanding within myself that with stress comes what I would do to avoid it. I have to tell myself that I am not that person anymore and if I go through with it then I will wake up disappointed and defeated tomorrow and I refuse to feel that way anymore. I will sit with this stress and not let it get to me or blind me from my progress I am 6 months clean and I will continue to do more. god my healing is ugly but I am still healing regardless