venti expressi

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hullo, this blog where i emotionally dump and self reflect.

*tread carefully* as there are topics of:

grief

suicide

anxiety

break ups

depression

emotional/verbal abuse

death of a family member

borderline personality disorder (bpd)

possible post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd)

obssessive-compulsive personality disorder (ocpd) 

from what i understood, he told me that the dream was a reflection of ME & MY subconscious and that he would never cry like that. his main point was that the dream said more about me than the reality of things due to the fact he doesn’t weep.

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needless to say, he hasn’t reached out in over a year and once again... i was right. 

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i checked my diary. the argument was about me giving him “sass in HIS room," which i wrote about the aftermath of this in this post. here is what cause me to give him ‘sass’ in the first place.

1. he asked me if i wanted to take a loaf of bread that his family had gotten with their lunch. i told him no, but he disregarded it and put it in my bag because “my family might want it.” i knew my family wouldn’t want it and just glared at him before repeating that i didn't want it and why i shouldn't take it home.

*2. he was using my playstation account on his ps5 to give me free games that came with logging in on a ps5 console. i told him not to put resident evil: biohazard in my library cause i would never play it and it was very scary and gross. just looking at the thumbnail freaked me out. he, again, disregarded my no and uploaded it to my library.

3. he threw my penny away into his trash can and when i went to try to retrieve it, he started shaming me for digging in the trash can for a penny.

so when he asked me if i was mad at him, i just cut my eyes at him and nodded my head while laying on my side playing among us. he said that i was giving him sass in his room and that i had responded in a cowardly way.

(note: he has a deep contempt for cowards)

we had a huge argument where i had to convince him to not kick me out and take me home. he did confirm that he felt he was judge, jury, and executioner and i was on trial during this whole argument.

when i defused the situation, i was emotionally disturbed and upset and i just needed space to just get away from him. he didn’t let me go to any other area in the house to just sit in silence cause “it was weird” and “everyone was sleeping.”

we went to his family member's home to spend some time and say hi to the extended family visiting. there was a lot going on and one of the tiny souvenirs fell out of my bag. i remember i saw it on the floor, but mentally i couldn't figure out that i needed to pick it up. it was like i knew i was supposed to be doing something, but i didn't know what. then someone called me before i had a chance to pick it up.

he finds it and picks it up off the ground. later on he takes me to the mall, but then fusses at me that it was messed up that i left it on the ground cause if it was his that it would have been "fucked up of me."

we go into the mall and he surprised me by going to the vans store for my birthday... again.

we had a unusually long back and forth about how he thought i needed new ones when the only issue ‘wrong’ with my last pair was them being sunkissed which i had said was fine and liked it a month ago and multiple times in this conversation.

i started crying in the mall which made him feel some kind of way (i suspected). i explained that him wanting to get me vans again was rather thoughtless and i wish he would’ve asked me at some point what i could possibly want for my birthday (because he typically gets me the very thing i said i don't like/feel neutral about, but HE likes or feels comfortable with getting.)

we came up with a compromise that i could write a list of some ideas that would fit for both his rules and what i would like and he could just refer to it. i would forget what is on the list and he would be able to surprise me cause he likes to give spontaneously and surprise me.

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later he got me a surprise gift of a pair of gamer headphones which was on my list ! i thought the list was really working cause i was so surprised to 1. get a gift in general and 2. get a gift of something i wanted/liked

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the following year he gets me a ring fit to help me be active to combat depression. however it came with a condition: “use it in a month or give it back to me so i can play it or give it to someone else that’ll use it.” (like his brother he has a strained relationship with)

after our visit, i told him that i didn’t want to use the gift because it’s conditional and not a real gift.

he tells me i suck at receiving gifts, brings up chony and tells me that i'm spoiled.

i tell him to not call me spoiled because i may have things, but i take care of them and not take it for granted. i did not grow up getting everything i wanted, but i do have many gifts from those that love me.

he tries to make a point that i'm bad at receicing gifts and he’s a good gift receiving gifts by mentioning how he has never rejected any of my gifts or made a face when receiving them.

i remind him that everything i have given to him he has asked for.

he has many rules on what NOT to get him and what he will NOT get others regardless if they ask for it. he doesn't gift novelty items (figures, plushies, cards, or onaments.)

i love and have asked for a specific plush. however, he openly stated multiple times that he will not being buying me plushes ever again because i rejected the first plush he had gotten me. he also told me that when he got me those headphones he never look at my list… and he was right.

i created that list on october 3rd and shared it with him. then when i recieved the gamer headphones, i put a thank you note there on october 24th cause i thought he had looked at the note (i told him thank you outside of this note.) however, he didn't look at this note at all. i never even check the activity receipts portion because i didn't know they were there, but i trusted and assumed he looked at the note.

i trusted that he cared about our conversation on this compromise...

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the conversation of gifts come up again when i was giving him back his ring fit. he still thought i was spoiled and self centered for not wanting to accept his conditional "gift."

long story made short, he snaps at me saying “gifts aren’t about you !” i flat out told him we will have to agree to disagree because when i give gifts it's about what’s in my means to get and entirely about the person receiving it while believed that gifts were able the what the person wanted to give to you (regardless if you expressed otherwise) if i understood him correctly.

however, looking back... it makes sense why he asked for his gifts back after our break up.

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i just... who tf tells their partner who is black and has expressed that they feel weird about other people who aren't black that they said the n-word when no one was around, but the dog to hear it ? i still don't understand.

- i fully understand that someone being called the n-word historically was based on their looks and by excuding those who do not look black or are non-black from being permitted without consequence to saying the n-word operates on that same principle. it’s all phenotypical racism.

- i just feel uncomfortable with the videos he kept sending me of white people saying the n-word in the early 2000′s. they weren’t funny to me and i don’t know what response he wanted from me even after expressing my stance and feelings on the matter in the past. most black people don’t think this is funny in my limited experience so i was confused.

- apparently the call went well, but i don't remember much of it. i'm going to assume he made a lot of assumptions of what i meant and didn't read my text message all the way through so when he heard my tone it changed everything. i did elaborate on the 'classroom debate' part so he would understand that i wasn't dismissing him. i just believe what he was maybe talking about was a different conversation altogether.

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- personally, and now, i do think the n-word shouldn’t be said publically in the same fashion as any other slur. so like anyone could say it (cause freedom of speech), but you should maybe keep it to yourself and within your friend groups that accept it or something.

- i am working to get rid of the n-word from my vocabulary. i never used it as a term of endearment. i’ve only used it as an insult with the same connotation as insults like ‘dumbass,’ ‘idiot,’ or ‘moron.’ 

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[part 1 || 2019]

- no, i don’t have the audios. this was probably around the time he asked me to not save his audios when they were auto-saving. i see there is a gap under some of our texts which means i likely put an audio there which explains the following texts responses. however, i did became annoyed and shut down during this convo because it was WAY more serious than i intended. 

- i did make those 2 assumptions in this conversation. 

i was agitated that he referred to it as slang. 

i didn’t like that he didn’t acknowledge the benefit of learning it as he was working to be a school teacher and will be encountering many different children who will speak differently from him. 

i didn’t appreciate that i was misunderstood through this from his statements that i was ‘having a cow’ cause he has ‘feelings.’ 

i’m willing to own if i sound like that in this conversation, but i really don’t think i did. :( i wanted this to be a fun conversation of being like “i’ll learn your language if you learn mine <3″ but he was not at all enthused by the idea at all which made me feel hurt, misunderstood and rejected.

- i am learning spanish cause i believe God told me too. this was a year and a half prior to me meeting him. even post break up, i’m still learning daily. i want to add that when we were talking/first dating, he did state that if we had kids they were going to learn spanish as well. so assuming he was serious, i now gained another super important reason to learn spanish. so i was taken aback when he stated that he never asked me... cause imo he shouldn’t have to cause i care and i can do it.

- also hindsight being 20/20, if anyone is in an interracial relationship... there legit needs to be some type of vested interest in your partners culture and/or background that is specific to them. otherwise there will probably be racial tension, me-thinks.

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[part 1 || 2019]

*he uses this 'soldier taking cover from a bomb' gif when he knows he said something that was offensive or would probably make me gush in a lovey dovey way.

this was somewhat the beginning of the racial tension in our relationship. i did my best to be understanding and having good faith that he didn't mean any offense while pointing out what he said was offensive.

for context when he would say that i'm blacking out in would be in instances where an hip-hop and r&b song would come on and i stop everything i'm doing to sing/dance to said song. that i would 'black' out both as a black person and to have been overtaken by the music in some capacity and space out.

at the end of the messages, stony sums up whatever his thoughts are and i just move on from the convo altogether cause once he's done with a convo he gets irritable, aggressive and dismissive when he is having a conversation that he is no longer interested in.

however, we had this conversation a few more times afterwards for probably 2 reasons. one, i did hold this behavior against him because i was still upset that he thought this was appropriate in the first place. two, he continuously used the phrase 'blacking out' while saying he meant it in a different way later on before i told him that him saying i'm 'blacking out' to me isn't going translate over and he should find new words for what he now means.

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[part 2 || 2020]

1. i've come to the realization that i was feeling deep hurt from his actions and didn't acknowledged that it straight up broke my heart as well. majority of the stuff i’ve posted here are things that have hurt me and broke my heart. this realization has caused me to feel significantly more confident that one day that i will recover, heal, and move on without ill will.

2. it’s been difficult to come to terms with the hurt i have put myself through, especially with the belief that his actions were mainly unintentional. i may feel this way because i still care about him and i still want to cover for his bad behaviors, but i think that will pass when i face the reality of what our relationship was.

i’ve learned that i cannot give mercy to that and i need to demand better treatment and draw lines in the sand if im consistently being treated poorly by someone that claims to care about me. if they say they care about me, i should challenged that, especially if i feel their actions say otherwise !

no one is perfect and i want to make room for that, but in a way that is a healthy balance between the person being human and making mistakes and respecting myself

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more context

- stoneheart was a mentor to a group in a peer-mentor program

- i understand him wanting to look out for the students he’s a mentor to, but i also understand i’m a gentler person than him and will always deny a ‘tough love’ approach in many scenarios, but not all. i think discretion and judgment is important in those cases.

- he admitted that him saying that he was “emotionally unavailable” was a jab at me from when i’ve told him this in the past during conflict that is either too intense, stressful or hurtful for me that i knew i need to calm down from.

- i was hurt when he said ‘you don’t stand up for yourself,’ but was more so shocked that that he chose the route to hurt/provoke me. 

when we first met i was having an issue confronting my softball coach as to why i was the only one constantly benched my senior year out of the 12 injuried players we had (9 players to play).

i did complain to him about it with no changes and he later then told me i was being a coward because i struggled to approach my coach about it. this was a point of contention and resentment i would have with him for the rest of the relationship due to the lack of resolution i felt from it.

personal note: i had such an issue with this conversation because instead of communicating directly he said “weird logic, but okay” to coax the answer he wanted from me rather than just ask “do you think it’s a disaster now ?” or maybe inquire further on my “negative” take.  this later became an argument because he felt i was trying to control his speech, when on my end i was really trying to suggest to him a NON-COMBATIVE WAY to have this conversation. i don’t know. maybe i overreacted, but i feel doubtful that i did. i feel almost certain he was trying to ‘debate bro’ me. :/

i had asked him a couple of times if i could travel to their own and pick her up because he was super busy and i was trying to make this process easy as possible, but he would tell me no without an explanation. 

when i was doing a ton of research on how to care for a cat, he had questioned me about how i was going to care of the cat. don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful question to ask. however, this was kind of an issue for me because we knew that she wasn’t being fully cared for in the home where she was at and he doesn’t like pets, especially cats. i quietly suspected him of trying to keep me from getting a cat because if we ever lived together, then he would know the cat was coming in with us. i don’t if this suspicion is true. i just felt he’d rather live in a pet free home.

when i was done researching and cat proofing my home, ready to receive her, i went and talked to him about it with a plan. i told him that i was ready and that i can drive down there and pick her up or when he’s free and not tired, meet him halfway somewhere. he was upset cause i didn’t consider him and his situation in any of this.

the situation: he got into a huge argument with 2 of the ladies in the home. afterwards, the house essentially divided against him.

so he let me know that he was too busy and that he couldn’t do this plan, let alone anytime soon. i was very upset cause i was eagerly awaiting bianca. i let him know this later on and he let me know that if i really wanted her, i wouldn’t have waited so long and that i could have asked to pick her up on a couple of days that he was free that he did not communicate to me. 

at the time i didn’t realize it, but i was the only one really working overtime to plan and receive this cat. i only know this because of how seamless he came up with dates that i could have picked her up after i worked to get our schedules and see when we were both free. this included days where i knew he was free, but maybe wanted to himself.

this text conversation happened awhile after the situation above regarding picking up bianca. it shows what guilt tripping and poor communication looks like. happy learning !

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so i blocked him there to prevent myself from checking it and worked super well ! i didn’t feel the urge to check at all. however, this morning i was going play on the nintendo switch after not playing for about a month and went to check my friend’s list to see if he was still there. 

he was gone. 

after the initial anxiety, i got curious and checked my ps4. 

gone. 

and then that’s when i wondered about twitter...

BOOM. gone as well. seeing this made me laugh actually. i never took him for the snooping type considering how dismissive and avoidant he was towards me. it’s so surreal that he would ever check my socials. i believed so deeply that he did not care about me, was happier without me and moved on without me... as i type this, i still do believe this.

i wonder if he was surprised that i even remembered this account’s username enough to check it, let alone block it, but still follow his original main account he lost the password to. regardless, him blocking me is doing me a HUGE favor. so i unblocked him cause he’s doing all the work now to keep me off of his twitter and back into my life. can’t check what i don’t have access to.

oh my goodness, imagine if this is an april fool’s joke to me lmaooo

i sooo called him blocking me eventually in this post. 

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edit (4/11/2023): he blocked me on snapchat lmao so that makes all social medias blocked. i think all that’s left is discord and steam (and technically his main twitter he lost the password to.) i’m sure he probably blocked my number, but i don’t care or dare to figure that out if i’m honest. i’m just steadily moving forward one baby step at a time. 

however, i would’ve never told him this. as much i felt like telling him would maybe inspire a change in his behavior, i know that it is manipulative, hurtful and ultimately out of his control. suicide is a personal choice. everytime i thought about telling him, i would always come to the conclusion that it would be better to just leave.

DO NOT WEAPONIZE SUICIDE OR SUICIDAL IDEATION.