#gaining confidence

1. i've come to the realization that i was feeling deep hurt from his actions and didn't acknowledged that it straight up broke my heart as well. majority of the stuff i’ve posted here are things that have hurt me and broke my heart. this realization has caused me to feel significantly more confident that one day that i will recover, heal, and move on without ill will.

2. it’s been difficult to come to terms with the hurt i have put myself through, especially with the belief that his actions were mainly unintentional. i may feel this way because i still care about him and i still want to cover for his bad behaviors, but i think that will pass when i face the reality of what our relationship was.

i’ve learned that i cannot give mercy to that and i need to demand better treatment and draw lines in the sand if im consistently being treated poorly by someone that claims to care about me. if they say they care about me, i should challenged that, especially if i feel their actions say otherwise !

no one is perfect and i want to make room for that, but in a way that is a healthy balance between the person being human and making mistakes and respecting myself

Such a simple concept, and yet it took a stranger to say it out loud and explain for it to sink in.

For some of you this idea is just common sense; that what you say out loud are your own words, words that people hear and might respond to. It's called having a conversation.

That's generally how people communicate, right?

So why is this lady bringing it up?

Well let's just sat this lady has always had communication issues. From having a speech delay as a child to being super awkward around people to pretty much being extremely anxious having any kind of conversation with anyone that wasn't a good friend or an immediate family member.

So between strangers, work colleagues and yes even my own cousins, I would get super nervous and anxious about what I would say to them, how I would keep this conversation going and always, always, ALWAYS being worried about what they would think or how they would feel if I said this or that.

Really, how I managed to make any kind of friend baffles me.

But this. "Own what you say."

No it hasn't solved everything. But having this simple 'well dah' phrase in my corner has just given me some control back.

I own what I say. If I feel something then it's mine, if I have an opinion then it's mine. If I feel nothing or have no opinion then that's also mine.

Does that mean I have to share everything, no. But it's mine, and whoever I'm speaking to doesn't have to agree or accept it. They might get upset or angry. But at least I can easily stand by what I said because I own what I say and I chose to share it.

Sunday selfie 🙈

I’ve always thought of myself as the “Dollar Tree” of women (no disrespect to Dollar Tree).

What do I mean by that?

Other girls can seem to effortlessly do their hair and it turns out perfectly every time. Or they can do their makeup with no problem. Or when they paint their nails it doesn’t look like a toddler did it.

I can do none of those things. My hair doesn’t cooperate. Typically I get frustrated and angrily scrub off my makeup halfway through doing it. And the nails.... I cannot do nails.