#vedette documents

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assuming he’s talking about me, seeing this twitter post pissed me off for a lot of reasons. i shouldn’t have went lurking on his socials. that was dumb of me. everything i talk about on this blog pertaining to this relationship in particular surfaced for me emotionally from this tweet alone.

firstly, him saying that i 'should've appreciated what i had' is upsetting because i did for what i could. being in a relationship with him had more cons than it did pros. unfortunately, no amount of appreciate can invalidate the emotional abuse and controlling behavior. those behaviors are not compatible with a healthy relationship.

secondly, he said that it was “only going to get better.” i think this is what really pissed me off because of it’s implications. that means he knew that where we were at was not good and we could only go up from there. 

i had waited for 3.5 years for it to “get better.” i saw the best in him, the potential, and WAITED for it to get better. i continued to forgive for the same offenses. speculating if i were have to stayed with him it was probably 'going to get better,' via the pattern of abuse we had. 

him unknowingly getting triggered 

not effectively communication his feelings

him giving in to a toxic behavior instead

hurting me then i react 

i hurt or upset him

argument occurs

him learning from that and introduces love bombing, apologizes and soft promises of not repeating the behavior again. sometimes sprinkled with blame or request of admittance of guilt on my side for reacting

rinse and repeat till he fully figures out that it’s not okay to do that even though i already told him that. 

that was the cycle of most of the relationship for me when it came to conflict.

realistically, i don't want to go back to him. not really. i just want to let him know how terribly he treated me and be honest with why i really left in a concise manner. this is not to say i'm perfect, but i know i did what i was supposed to because according to him i ‘softened his stone heart' and ‘helped him become a softer person. like, gee-wiz, i wish i was with someone that made me feel that i was becoming a better version of myself, but instead i'm upset, embarrassed, traumatized, and still in therapy continuing to deal with this alone.

thirdly, he said “her loss.” i would disagree. i’m still content in the knowledge that i left. yes, i still miss him, but i can breathe easier now. also this statement is completely dismissive of the fact i just straight up wanted to leave, him saying that i was right and felt we were going two directions in life and having felt healthier without me.

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i do feel the petty desire to comment on the post stating why i left, but it’s over. i left 3 months ago. it’s up to me not to perpetuate the cycle of toxicity for myself and start an argument. i’m responsible for my emotions and the actions attached to them. sure what he said is upsetting, but won’t let it draw me back in.