starrambles

and when you think of me, am i the best you’ve ever had?

god i fucking miss him

i always say i’m on good terms w my exes but 3 of the 4 guys i actually dated literally do not know how to spell my name lmfao

i’m living the ghost of a relationship i know he doesn’t love me but we’re having fun as we are and i’ll be dead in hell before i give that up

the hottest i will ever be will always be naked in my on/off ex’s bedroom mirror

i wish i was dead in the fucking ground i hate myself i hate my job no one fucking likes me my parents don’t like me and luis really does not care that he is emotionally abusive to me ahahahahhahahh

my special skill is losing weight during depressive episodes bc i cannot muster the interest to want to eat

in other news, my therapist is on vacation so i have to go 2 weeks without a session, and last time i did that, i went into full crisis

having a fever of 103 has made me SO SWEATY the last couple days i smell TERRIBLE

so anyway i think i’ve genuinely developed an eating disorder bc after throwing up nonstop for 2 weeks bc sadness and losing 10 pounds, i started gaining weight again and i HATE it

why did i agree to go on a date this tuesday if i’m so burnt out on emotional intimacy that i genuinely am not even excited at the prospect of someone being romantically interested in me? probably my distinct lack of boundaries

my therapist recommended i look at erikson’s psychosocial stages of development to understand the cognitive dissonance and resulting identity crisis of my high emotional intelligence when understanding and analyzing myself versus my kindergarten-level skill of establishing boundaries and guess what guys? just like everything else in my life, it all boils down to mommy issues! aka the lack of affection and support i received growing up leads me to seek out high maintenance friendships because i believe i have to work to earn love and i will constantly seek a romanticized version of affection because i know i will never get it. oh, and also that i idealize media such as film and television because it was the closest thing i had to a shared interest w my mother

sometimes i see pieces of media wherein a character goes through a major depressive spiral (or even just a rough period) and then their friends unprompted show up to their house to cheer them up and i think about how ive done that for so many and yet no one would do it for me :(

we’re drinking tonight even tho we have work at 7am :))))))

literally i don’t understand why i’m still alive like my friends can’t think of nice things to say about me and apparently everyone thinks im fake and stupid and a whore anyway so like