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Okay okay okay okay. Goddamn. Holy shit. Okay. Fuck.

So here’s the thing. Do you see that look on Aziraphale’s face, when Crowley pulls away?

That man 👆 is devastated, he looks like he’s choking back a sob. The first time I watched it, I was fucking gutted. The second time I watched it, immediately after because I’m a sociopath who apparently loves pain, I…was fucking gutted. But this time, I saw it not just from Crowley’s perspective, but Aziraphale’s.

Aziraphale loves Crowley, like romance with a capital R, Jane Goddamn Austen and Cotillion Balls and getting caught in the rain Loves him. We know this. So why reject the kiss? Because of some bullshit ‘your side my side’ stuff, that he hasn’t managed to grow past in two seasons? I argue, no. There’s more going on here.

Don’t get me wrong, Aziraphale is still wrestling with some bullheaded moral superiority and arrogance, and still hiding behind the great Heavenly tautology of “I’m an Angel, so as long as I’m doing what Heaven expects of me, I’m doing the right thing.” No hard choices or uncomfortable questions or gray areas need apply. (Though he is learning to live with them. He’s started to absorb that good people can do bad things to accomplish good things, even with bad motives—and Vice versa.)

And he still has some growing to do to get past that, and with some of the chatter we’ve heard from Neil himself I truly believe we’re going to get to see it happen. BUT.

“Aziraphale is still religiously brainwashed” doesn’t satisfactorily explain his behavior, his words, or the EXPRESSIONS on his face ((my God, just. Fucking kill me already)) when Crowley kisses him. I don’t think we’re seeing Aziraphale still not understand or believe that he loves Crowley. I think Aziraphale knows that he loves Crowley—but thinks he knows that Crowley doesn’t really love him that way back.

Hear me out.

This whole season has been a montage of obvious, unsubtle lovesick expressions from Aziraphale to Crowley.

And knowing what we now know about the ending, we know those aren’t just subtext in our heads, it’s all there and intended. Okay. So why reject a declaration of love when he finally gets it? Just because Crowley won’t get with the program and go back to Heaven? I don’t think that’s all there is to it.

The last thing Crowley does before kissing him is put his glasses back on.

Look at him. Look at the sadness and frustration peeking through there. Aziraphale has seen this many many times before. He knows that whatever he’s about to see or hear is going to be coming from a place of defensiveness, posturing, or even performance. He knows that Crowley wants to be able to see without being seen, still feels like he can’t say whatever he needs to say without that advantage, and that’s got to be so hard. And it’s easy to say, “you just broke his heart! He’s visibly tearing up, of course he wants the protection of his glasses, and to save a bit of dignity!” Or even to take it as proof that Crowley means what he’s saying, if it’s so raw he can’t even do it while making eye contact. But that would be like looking around for where the furniture isn’t. Aziraphale can’t truly know Crowley’s motives here, because Crowley himself just made sure of it.

The last thing Crowley says before kissing him is “You Idiot, we *could have* been us.” Not “We still can be”. With heart armor glasses back on, tears in his eyes, and anger and accusation in his voice, Crowley grabs Aziraphale for a crushing, desperate, *angry* kiss. ((Still Swoony for us, I know, but hold that thought. Is that what Aziraphale would find swoony? Is that what he thinks love should look like, and how he wants to be loved? Is that what he’s shown us so far? No. It isn’t.))

And Aziraphale battles with it, he really does.

It’s gut wrenching to watch. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, he hesitates and touches his back and takes them back off again, and when they pull apart he looks like he’s just been gutted. Why? Why look that *pained* if it was just an unwelcome advance from a flawed friend you don’t think you can love?

I think it’s precisely because he DOES know and accept that he loves Crowley, and he thinks Crowley’s kiss is something that *looks very much* like what he’s desperately wanted from him for a long, long time—-but isn’t, actually. I think the pain of being taunted with a shallow facsimile of the love he wants to give and receive from Crowley is what we’re seeing on his face. Because I think Aziraphale thinks that Crowley is really just making one final desperate play to maintain the status quo, by giving Aziraphale what he’s guessed he might want, but doesn’t truly feel, or understand yet. I think Aziraphale receives that kiss as an ultimatum, or a compromise, or even a naked temptation or manipulation—anything to keep Aziraphale on Earth and just the way things are. And shit, guys, Heaven bullshit aside, I think he might be partially right.

Remember, Crowley was not on board the “I’m in love and we should admit it” train even five minutes ago, when he was confronted by the resident Disaster Gays who’ve had their shit figured out for all of five minutes themselves. He doesn’t seem to get it. Maybe he’s been reflexively posturing and denying the nature of their relationship out of self protective habit, or…. Maybe he really hadn’t understood that what he feels for Aziraphale is love. When Crowley chooses to forge ahead and confess his feelings after Aziraphale drops the “I’m going back to Heaven” bomb, maybe Aziraphale receives it as nothing more than a panicked Hail Mary to keep him around. Maybe it’s because that’s exactly what it’s become.

Don’t forget that, for all Aziraphale’s lack of understanding, he does seem to want to go back because he thinks he can fix things, and make Heaven what it really ought to have always been. And up until the last minute, Az seems like he might truly change his mind, until he realizes that there are still big plans that need thwarting, and no one else around to thwart them. Maybe it’s Crowley who really doesn’t understand that, because remember—Crowley is still just asking Aziraphale to run away from everything together. Same as the bandstand, just this time it’s less obviously on fire. He’s still trying to give up on Creation, wash his hands of it, and fuck off with his boyfriend. And his boyfriend won’t let him.

So no, I don’t think Aziraphale is rejecting Demon Crowley and his love because he’s choosing Heaven’s acceptance instead. I think he’s rejecting Crowley’s complacency, and lack of vulnerability, and his putting their own safety above all else. And I think he’s particularly crushed that in this moment, Crowley’s trying to use Aziraphale’s love as a lever or a crowbar to keep him out of Heaven, where he’s not willing to follow.

Now, again, there’s a lot that Aziraphale’s not seeing here ((“you’re the bad guys”, FUCK my dude)), but I don’t think you can feasibly claim that Aziraphale’s anguish is coming from a place of delusion or denial. They’re still not fully seeing each other. For Crowley to think that Aziraphale would choose to stay and leave Creation to any of the malevolent bastards who want to run it straight into another Apocalypse, there’s a lot that he’s not getting about Aziraphale as well. For Aziraphale to think that Crowley would be delighted to get to be an angel again, he’s still not understanding so, so much.