just a sexuality crisis rant to no one in general. i've identified as bisexual for like almost a decade and i know there's a lotttt of internalized homophobia to work through especially with homophobic family and i kind of accepted that i'll just marry a man or whatever and so be it, cause i've had crushes on men and women before but over the years I kind of stopped labelling myself cause I'd go through cycles of "am i bi? am i pan? am i a lesbian? am i straight? am i ace?" and i really have no fucking idea i haven't dated anyone so it's just all hypothetical. i think i can and do have romantic feelings for anyone regardless of gender, but physically/sexually i know i'm mostly just attracted to women. i don't even have any male celebrity or fictional crushes really, except for a rare few here and there, i can't even really bring myself to care about male celebs or characters. it's just not interesting to me. i'm just interested in women and that to anyone seems it's obvious i'm probably a lesbian. i think 16 year old me accepted easily that i'm bi / queer, like that was obvious to me but me now has less guts to accept what if i am a lesbian. even 19 year old me who talked to girls on tinder and snuck off to pride was braver than i am now. perhaps back then i thought i had more time to experiment and play around, but now the years are creeping up and i feel pressured to settle down like everyone else. i'm too scared to ever see myself openly come out, date a woman, or marry one, i can't see that future for me. i admire the bravery in those who are able to live their life freely. until then i'll carry on projecting the repression onto the characters in the stories i write. i'm scared that comphet has brainwashed myself into forcing myself to marry a man eventually and then i'll just trap myself into a life where i'll be repressed and sad. but the only thing that's been stopping me from labelling myself as a lesbian besides internalized homophobia is what do i do with the crushes i have on men? or are they just comphet and i've tricked myself into thinking i like them? so i just don't really know and just don't have a label right now lmao. i know it's different for everyone, i've had multiple mutuals who used to identify as lesbians and then are now bisexual and are in loving relationships with men, and maybe vice versa. maybe i'll try it out. i'm a lesbian. i'm a lesbian i'm a lesbian i'm a lesbian. idk.
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
