Vampire: The Assparade

vampirism as a metaphor for queerness. hunger as a metaphor for repressed desire. immortality as an expression of profound loneliness.

lukewarm vampires

no listen to me vampires are only "cold" compared to living humans who have a pulse built-in heating unit. but it's not like they have built in refrigeration. the undead aren't actually "cold" per se at best they're room temperature. lukewarm vampires

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING

Put your vampire in a nice hot bath before you take it to bed

lukewarm vampires

no listen to me vampires are only "cold" compared to living humans who have a pulse built-in heating unit. but it's not like they have built in refrigeration. the undead aren't actually "cold" per se at best they're room temperature. lukewarm vampires

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING

The insatiable urge to be annoying is in my blood, forgive me.

Have you tried changing your blood? Like an oil change, easy

I have the straw installed but nobody wants to trade with me :(

Nooooo, straws are for brains!!!

Exactly. Glad I could help with my amazing knowledge of general vampiric anatomy. Don't forget the funnel to fill in the new stuff.

The insatiable urge to be annoying is in my blood, forgive me.

Have you tried changing your blood? Like an oil change, easy

I have the straw installed but nobody wants to trade with me :(

Nooooo, straws are for brains!!!

Frankly, generative AI is being given too much credit for the devaluation of art and labour. Dipshits who think the Idea Guy is the only one doing any real work and everyone else is a mere technician who should be grateful they're permitted to be involved at all have been a thing for as long as art has been a thing.

(This is why you'll never get anywhere accusing folks boo-hooing about "prompt theft" of hypocrisy, incidentally. No hypocrisy is present if you genuinely believe that Idea Guys are the only people whose labour has value, and a great many of these folks do in fact believe that.)

The insatiable urge to be annoying is in my blood, forgive me.

Have you tried changing your blood? Like an oil change, easy

seeing straight men be disgusted by booktok smut recommenders has actually radicalized me to the side of booktok smut recommenders. girls your taste may be atrocious but i will never disparage you for exposing mainstream discourse to the concept of soaking through your underwear. spent my whole life listening to men talk about penises it’s about time they get jumpscared by women talking about pussy in crude detail on social media. go forth and goon my warriors

As a general rule of fantasy and sci-fi naming, the closer to the back half of the alphabet the average letter in their name is, the eviller they are. A name that doesn't contain any consonants north of R is poison frog colouration. If it uses Y as a vowel in a non-terminal position you're basically fucked.

That single "e" is doing a lot for you, Mr. Prokopetz.

Well, yes; a lot of Western fantasy and sci-fi media's propensity to villain-code the back half of the alphabet boils down to Western authors being Weird™ about Slavic cultures, and I'll give you three guesses where my surname comes from.

One of your parents

*points a giant laser at your house*