Corvus

I've talked to my therapist about this, and my current theory is that my identity is almost the exact opposite of any standard straight cis dude, making relating to them really difficult. They experience almost none of the things that I have, and will have almost no ability to relate back to me in turn.

But I think part of it is also slight compulsive heterosexualtiy.

This might just go along with me trying to mask in order to conform to neurotypical people, but even though I've know that I'm a lesbian since I was 11 years old, I think I still try to convince myself that in order to fit in I need to be physically attracted to men. Either that, or in order to fit in, I need to make myself physically attractive toward men.

This makes my relationships with men rather complicated, as I try so hard just to relate to guys that I think are interesting (usually straight and cis) which leads me down one of two paths;

I take on a maternal/teacher/therapist role toward them, putting this invisible wall between me and a potential friend, keeping a certain dynamic in place so they don't think anything about me that I don't want them to think.

or

2. They end up crushing on me, making me extremely uncomfortable around them which forces me to set that previous boundary even harder than before (which is exhausting), or just break off the friendship.

Sometimes I'll even try to guilt myself into being attracted toward men or to enjoy being viewed by men even if the thought makes me extremely uncomfortable, because it would be so much easier than struggling to keep up a mentally exhausting dynamic that isn't beneficial toward me or losing a potential friend. Sure a lot of my personality wasn't originally curated to be FOR men, but whenever I dress up, or I make myself louder or bigger, one of my first thoughts is always 'oh, what will he think of this. Will he like this. Will I be pleasing to his eye.'

It's frustrating! I'm extremely uncomfortable with any thought that has to do with emotional or physical intimacy toward a man, and yet it feels like everything I try to do is to please the men around me.

I currently have a guy friend who happens to be cis and straight. He's extremely comfortable with himself and his personality, and we enjoy talking about anime, music, and video games together, and just generally be huge geeks around one another. He's very considerate, he's open about his feelings and opinions, and doesn't mind taking almost an 'older brother' role toward me since he's a year older. He had even admitted to having a mild crush on me when we first started talking, but quickly dropped it, after I came out to him and never brought it up again.

He's an amazing person and a great friend, don't get me wrong, but whenever I think about my friendship with him, I somehow always shame myself for not being attracted to him. A rather unproblematic thought I have ('Well, if I was straight I'd probably be attracted to this guy') ends up turning into a flurry of disgust toward myself, because apparently my brain can't form the connection that enjoying someone's personality, doesn't mean you're attracted to them.

I want to hang out with him, get to know him and enjoy his company as a friend, but I always seem to tell myself 'you look like you're on a date with him. everyone thinks your straight. everyone thinks you're straight and you've kissed this guy. NOW YOU'RE LEADING HIM ON AND HE'S GONNA TRY TO HIT ON YOU AGAIN.'

In all honesty, this is probably just a bad string of intrusive thoughts that I have to learn to live through. Lately I have been wondering if I could have OCD due to my brother having it, but then again, getting bad intrusive thoughts doesn't immediately mean OCD. I'm going on a tangent here, but I also have bad social anxiety, so that could be causing it as well.

I LOVE BEING MADE TO DO THINGS RHAT ARE NOT REQUIRED OF ME

I LOVE HAVING TO BE INCLUDED IN POINTLESS CEREMONIES

I LOVE WHEN THE FIRST TIME IVE TRUELY HAD FREE TIME THIS YEAR IS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME