vampire?

What if I was

a ladybug?

The miraculous red beetle

Sent by our mother

Our lady

To save the lives of poor farmers

I am red

I could probably eat weevils

If you asked

Would you call me miraculous?

Lucky?

Our lady's beetle?

Hail Mary, full of grace

please let me sleep

The lord is with thee.

maybe i sleep too much... is that the problem?

Blessed art thou amongst women,

dying is not the answer, dying is not the answer

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

will you stay a while mary? i'm so lonely

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

sing me a song, please stroke my hair

pray for us sinners,

am i your child as much as he is? do you care for me?

now and at the hour of our death,

i just want to sleep, i need to rest, but it doesn't help

Amen.

I can't tell

if it's my brain or my body

making me feel this way

it could be the stress of existing

in this place

making me overheat

making my head hurt

and my stomach ache

or maybe it's something internal

a low iron count

an issue of lifestyle

whatever it is

I'm tired

I'm always tired

always uncomfortable

june bug, pretty name

winter melts, insects return

sometimes i want

to vomit

it's the only bodily reaction that can fully encompass

the tornado in

my brain

the pain

pulsating through my body

i want to expel it

spew the swirling storms from within

until i am an empty perfect shell

a clean slate, start over

it hurts to throw up

you ache as you convulse against your will

i like that

i am never in charge of my pain

i am never

in

control

but if i choose to vomit

i am the boss

the master of my pain

i can push all the darkness out of me

and into the toilet bowl

I cover my scars up with shiny stickers

when I vomit it sparkles with stomach acid glitter

you can't see the pain within my eyes

because it's hidden behind a lipgloss smile

my notebook pages are decorated with stars

to distract from the dispair I scribble for hours

i'm like a vintage ceramic vase

turned at three quarters to hide the duct tape

or more accurately a bitten, bleeding fingernail

adorned with a chipped coat of paint- facading as a pretty fairytale

i'm an iridecent puddle of gasoline

a dazzling, devastating volcanic explosion

I want to cover myself in nail polish

Encase myself fully in tacky shimmery paint

Until I become as sparkly goopy and imperfect on the outside as the in

I want to throw up lipgloss and cry glitter glue

I want to bleed rhinestones and sweat sequins

I want to be the twinkling mess of my soul

my name is Scarlett, like the colour

but spelt with an extra 't'

scarlet is a violent red to represent

my insecurities

red like that line welled up at the edges

of the horizontal slits on my forearm

red like the paint chipping off my fingernails

and dyed into every strand of my hair

like ladybugs, lipstick, and cherry lolliepops

plastic beads on a bracelet, ink in a pen

like the inside of my eyelids

when i close them against the sun

my scarf, that spread red lint everywhere

the red streak running down my inner thigh as i threw up from the pain

scarlet is the colour of my anger and my hurt

my name is Scarlett,

I am a poisoned apple

Shiny on the outside

Dark and pointy on the in

I blend in with the other apples 

Red and appealing

I’m nice to look at, nice to polish

Nice to display in your decorative fruit bowl

I crave to push my inside out

Show my disgusting infected flesh

Break through my peel and

Have everyone know, that really

I am a poisoned apple

Against my better judgment I let people taste

Cut a quarter

Reveal my barbed wire seeds

Glance at, lick, take in forbidden fruit

So that I am finally known

No longer lonely

But everytime someone eats the apple

It leaves both of us worse

Me, bitten, raw, vulnerable

Poisoned.

Because i am a poisoned apple

The closer you get, the more you get hurt

So you should leave me to rot

Til I’m consumed by my own toxins

Or until I learn to not be poisonous

I am a poisoned apple.

It starts in your skull

With the pounding unending thud from within

As if it’s trying to break through your cranium

This moves to your ears, making the sound you would normally hear all blurry

The blurriness goes to your eyes 

As hot wet tears slip down your cheeks

Towards you trembling chin

Upwards of your chin, is your mouth

Which will make ugly strangled sounds

Then throughout your whole body there will be trembles,

Your arms and legs will shake with the weight of it,

But worst of all is your chest

Because you will feel your heart trying to rip it’s way out of you

Your ribcage struggling to keep it enclosed

Don’t forget your lungs

And your throat, which will burn with the pain of your screams,

Your unruly breaths

And your stomach as it fills with acid that will eventually escape 

When your brain gets to thinking too hard

Maybe I was wrong.

Your brain might be the worst of all

The way it won’t let you believe its real

The way it will colour you hot with anger that will only make you weep harder

The way it will do anything to fix it

The way it will lock you in your room, tie you to your bed, refuse food, water, and anything except the tormenting thoughts.

And the body tries forget,

As your fingers grasp for something that is no longer there,