valeriangirl

And actually, I thought I wouldn't think about it so much anymore, but somehow, even after months, it all feels so fresh. My mood was so much better yesterday because I thought of him and because I hoped he had a nice birthday. I remembered what I gave him last year. The first real gift in our relationship, and he was so happy about it. And every day I wonder if he still carries all my gifts with him, or if he gave them away, sold them, maybe even threw them out, or if he keeps them with him as memories. I won't be able to tell him, so I'll just say it here.

I know you'll never read this Text, and I think that's exactly why it's so easy for me to say things like this openly, because I feel safe. I wish you a belated happy birthday. I was thinking of you yesterday, and I still have the candle I lit on your birthday last year. I remembered how we celebrated your birthday over FaceTime, how I stayed up for you even though I had to work the next day, the gift I sent you that you were so happy about, the sparkle in your eyes. I'll never forget when you opened it. That gratitude and the joy you radiated meant more to me than anything else; money could never buy that back. No words in the world can describe how I felt. I thought of you all day, hoping you were doing well, that you were one step closer to your goals, that you celebrated so beautifully with your mother and friends, that you drank such good coffee and had a good meal, that you were able to laugh a lot and connect with others, that you were healthy and happy wherever you are, and that you made the most of your day. I hoped you might have even received a nice gift or two and that you fell asleep with a smile at the end of the day. You made my day so much better, even if you don't know it, because just thinking about you and that you were having a good day increased my day by a hundred times over.

I wish you all the best for the rest of your journey, good health and success, a broad smile, that you never lose your radiant personality, and that you will bring smiles to many more faces because I know you shine so much brighter than any sun in this world, in this universe, because you are the brightest sun there is. You are like a beautiful, warm summer morning, waking up with a smile on your face. Thanks to you, my heart beats a hundred times faster every day. When I wake up, I hear your words in my head: that we can make the most of every day and that we should be grateful for the little things in life. And even though I was already a somewhat optimistic person, you showed me that you can still make the best of even the worst situations. I love you with all my heart, and every day I think of you at least once. Stay just the way you are.

Younger me would say, it’s my ego I can’t give up. I’m a fighter but then I realise, some people here need me. They need a guardian Angel, someone who keeps them going..that one is me..

——————-

So today would be our first anniversary, and he's not here. It's been around four or five months since we broke up. And I still think about him every day and every night.

it's like I'm getting haunted, not in a bad way, because I remember the good, I remember the good times we had. I remember every conversation we had and every good moment we had. I remember, of course, also the bad, the bad days.

I remember the first time I visited him and I remember the first time he visited me. I remember the first kiss we had. I remember the first time he hold my hands and the first time he hugged me.

I also remember the last time he did it. I remember the last kiss. I remember the last hug. Never expected to be the last one. I miss his smile and I see his eyes everywhere I go.

Every kind of brownish I see, it reminds me of his eyes. I miss him so much, but on the other side, I know that we went different ways in a good way. I wish him the best and I hope that he can achieve all his dreams.

He was really one of the best people I ever met in my life, that taught me the good and the bad things. who told me that I am more than I think I am and that I can be so much more than I am right now.

That I'm a good person and I should never, never, never, never lose the way I am. My kind heart, my bright personality, the way I am, it's so much.

I remember the time when we were sitting in his car, driving home. The sun was slowly going down and we were listening to good music. And then he grabbed my hand, smiled at me and told me how happy he is to have me in his life.

And with a blink of an eye, everything went down and we're going separate lives now. It's just so heartbreaking to know that I maybe was not enough. Even though he told me it's not my fault, we just have different lives that don't match together.

I still, every day, try to keep up and try to motivate myself to go outside in this world, be a better version of me, working on myself, getting a better life. I always have this sentence in my head that I deserve so much more than I have right now and that I'm strong and I'm so lovable and I'm such a good person.

But on the other side, I ask myself, if I'm such a good person, why was I not enough? Our first anniversary today, it's 22:40 right now and I'm laying in bed listening to music.

It's music from a Arcane, the Netflix show from League of Legends.

I remember how you told me we should watch this show because it's one of his favorite shows and I watched it and I loved it and now. I can't stop listening to the songs, and it reminds me so much of him and of the time we had.

I know it's not a bad way. It's not a bad way that I'm doing these things because that just shows that I really know what loving is and that I'm capable of love someone and hold someone in my heart, even if we had also dark moments.

I know that I'm a good person, and I know that I will never forget him because he told me so much. And I know that sometimes people come in your life, teach you a lesson, and leave you.

That's how the world is. But at the night times, when I look at the sky and I see the stars and the moon, I see him and I see our moments.

And I will never, never, never ever in my life forget this person. And I'm so grateful that he exists.

And I only can say, and I always told him that his friends and his family can be so happy to have him because he's not normal. He's like straight from heaven.

And I hope that he knows that, and I hope that he knows how strong and perfect he is, even with all his flaws. He's an amazing human.

He's amazing. He's... I don't even have words for it because there is no perfect word that matches with his kind. I really hope that he will achieve all his goals and dreams because that's what he deserves.

Everything he saw in me…

My kindness, my warmth, my “bright personality,” my ability to love like this…

That didn’t come from him.

That was already me..

He recognized it.

He reflected it back to me.

He maybe even helped me believe it more.

And I still and always will love you.

I go through days that feel like repetitions. People talk to me, music plays in the background, the world keeps moving but somewhere in between, a piece of me is missing. It's strange how someone can be everywhere at once and yet nowhere. Your laughter surfaces in my thoughts, your name catches in my throat when I try to say it, and sometimes I catch myself automatically reaching for my phone, as if you were about to text me. As if nothing had changed.

But everything has changed.

I wonder if you ever think of me, too. Whether you're standing somewhere, perhaps late at night when the world falls silent, wondering who I am to you now. Whether I'm just a memory, a phase, a chapter that's simply closed at some point. Or whether, somewhere inside you, there's still that tiny moment when my name surfaces and your heart grows heavy for a moment.

Because for me, it hasn't simply vanished.

It feels as if my heart has lost someone who is still alive. As if there's a void no one sees because it's silent. It's only there in the small moments. When a song suddenly means too much. When I arrive at places where we once were together. When I lie awake at night wondering how two people who once meant everything to each other could become strangers.

And sometimes, quite honestly, the thought drives me crazy. Knowing that somewhere in this vast world there's someone who once knew me better than anyone else and now maybe barely thinks about me anymore.

I think that's what hurts the most.

Not that we've lost touch. But that I don't know exactly when you stopped choosing me.