Everything Nerdy

Im back and i have a baby now

so lately i have been feeling good. i just turned 20, and i’ve been realizing that its time to get my stuff together. i’ve always complained that i hate my weight but have done nothing about it. i’ve always complained about my past basketball days but i haven't gone out to regain those skills. i’ve realized that i have been complaining and saying excuses for far too long. its high time that i really and truly start taking control. i’ve made my goals and now its time to execute them, that goes for my educational and career goals too. i’m realizing that i am not in that teenager phase and that i can always rely on parents to get me through everything. im glad i’m realizing this now and instead of later down the road when i, too old. tomorrow is the first day of my life. i’ve also met my soulmate so thats cool, no big deal. i just thank the lord everyday. im getting better mentally, spiritually, and physically. until next time 

so i’ve been feeling okay ever since that last post. i’m counting down the days until i can go back to denver. i miss my family and i miss denver. rexburg has been real, and i have some great memories. but i know deep down, i have to go on my own path from here on out. another emotion i’ve been feeling lately is one of wanting to love and be loved. i don’t remember the last time i ever truly loved someone, but the feeling is there and i’ve been wanting to experience it again. but maybe my actions lately have been showing otherwise. its so easy to not be committed and have fun, but i do miss the feeling of being connected to someone. and i like to take my time on things, so i know a love with someone wont just happen out of the blue. i dont know. i guess i hate the ones that keep on failing or end up becoming nothing after a while. i want at least one to stay. but anyway, thats what i’ve been feeling. also i feel trapped here so i’m so glad i get to go back to denver. i know i’m not a bad person no matter who makes me feel otherwise, and i am of great worth. i am loved by my family and friends and i love myself, or at least am learning to. until the next time

today in class, we were talking about the prodigal son who returned to open arms and usually I’m spacing out in class but this time I paid attention because it was something I felt I needed to do. anyway, as we were learning about forgiveness, and recently I haven’t been so hot on taking care of myself. I drink and smoke occasionally but the biggest addiction is sex for me. and lately, I’ve been feeling tired and worn out and just kind of worthless. I consider myself a believer of God, but I haven’t been practicing on it, mostly b/c of my bad habits that don’t let me feel worthy enough to do so. but while talking about the prodigal son, i felt so connected to that son. i haven’t felt that inspired in a while, and that discussion made me feel something in my heart and mind and soul. I know that love and forgiveness is so powerful, especially for someone like me, because I feel so out of touch with spirituality. i know i am not perfect, but my biggest trials, such as drugs, alcohol, and sex, can give me the biggest triumphs when i overcome them. i always thought the purpose of life was to be successful and accomplish great things and make something out of myself. but now, looking back at all my failures and trials, maybe the purpose of my life was to go through these trials, and pain, and addiction so that i could come back to Him. maybe going back and becoming more like Him, is going to be my biggest accomplishment in life. i want to change so badly, but i am not sure if i can give up my bad habits and lifestyle that make me feel temporary pleasure. but somewhere deep inside me, is the undoubted truth that He loves me and wants me to come back to Him. maybe i was put here on Earth, among many other reasons, to rediscover myself and be a whole new, better version of myself, because God knows that its going to take a long, persistent, and challenging process for me. but i know i want it, and maybe it wont happen soon, but i am going to start doing small things so that i can be ready and prepared when the time comes that i fully immerse myself into rediscovering myself. 

feeling like i am waiting for something that is deeply and obviously missing from my life right now

if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you