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@uswntkeeper
Sound on. Allllllll the way on.

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I recently had surgery, and at the time I came home, I had both my cat and one of my grandma's cats staying with me.
- Within hours of surgery, I wake up from a nap to my cat gently sniffing at my incisions with great alarm.
- I was not allowed to shower the first day after surgery, and the cats, seeing that The Large Cat is not observing its cleaning ritual, decided I must be gravely disabled and compensated by licking all the exposed skin on my arms, face, and legs.
- I currently have to sleep with a pillow over my abdomen because my cat insists on climbing on top of me and covering my incisions with her body while I sleep (which is very sweet but not exactly comfortable without the pillow). She also lays across me facing my bedroom door, presumably on guard for attackers who may try to harm me while I'm sleeping and injured.
That's love. đââŹđâ¤ď¸
cats are so very unclear on what is wrong with us but they want to help
Last time I had a really bad migraine my cat curled herself round my head and purred sympathetically, and actually stayed there through two of her normal mealtimes. It wasn't until I was able to stagger to the kitchen and grab a protein bar for myself that she gave a very small, polite miaow to the effect of "while you're up... could you get something for me too?"
Hippy hop boi
these are still the most hilarious
Official ominous signs

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I like how the yellow one is chill and the black one is like "no fuck this"
If you ever encounter a conspiracy person of any type irl, you can act like you've never heard of
their particular conspiracy
online communities
Don't start arguing with them headfirst, or tell them that they're wrong. Make them explain the entire thing to you from the start, and once they have, ask them where has this happened? Whom has it happened to? How do they know these people that have experienced this? Like was that their uncle or a co-worker or who exactly is it that has told them about these things?
And as soon as they mention online forums, just look at them with deeply baffled confusion, and as slowly as possible, ask "so you were told all this by... someone from the internet?" with the exact same cautiously incredulous tone as if they had just said they receive all of their news from a talking dog.
I did this to a man who claimed litter boxes were being used in schools and got him to admit no it wasnt his school, actually it wasnt a school at all and no he had no proof of it ever happening. When he said he heard it on fox news and facebook i just looked at him like 𤨠and he shut up pretty quickly
this is just âpeople in real life: hey man howâs it goingâ-ing them. excellent
If you can't find a normie for contrast to highlight how batshit someone is, playing the role of one yourself is fine.
Guy just walked in with a shirt that said âI donât question my wifeâs choices because Iâm one of themâ and frankly Iâm obsessed
this is how disability works in america
Taylor Swift blows a kiss to Travis Kelce during her performance at The Eras Tour in London on June 23rd, 2024 at Wembley Stadium.

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Thoughts of Dog
I don't remember what you said but for the rest of my life I will remember the car window was rolled down when you said it.
Always be a good friend

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Definitely not a morning dog
went to miami to recover father sotirios. and made some new friends.
these animals... they are wise. I recruited them to avenge my dear brother. I was then escorted out of the sea world.
Better than the 1596 Marseille dolphin exorcism I suppose.
In 1596 dolphins were infesting the port of Marseille. Back in those days, yâsee, dolphins didnât have the cuddly image they enjoy today. They were pests and were causing damage.
So the cardinal of Avignon sent the bishop of Cavaillon to do something about them. In front of a huge crowd, the bishop sprinkled some holy water into the waters of the port and told the dolphins to begone. Whereupon the dolphins indeed turned tail in terror and fled, and were never seen again.
Still not as dramatic as Saint Bernard excommunicating the flies though.
What happened to the flies?
Saint Bernard of Clairvaux built a monastery in 1124, but it was plagued by flies. So the good saint promptly excommunicated them. By the next day the flied had died in such quantities that they had to be shoveled out.
Still not as nutty as the Basel rooster trial though.
*everyone in unison* um what rooster trial?
In 1474, a rooster in Basel did the heinous and unspeakable act of laying an egg. As everyone knows, an egg laid by a rooster will hatch into a basilisk (or cockatrice).
So to avoid the creation of a cockatrice (or basilisk), the rooster was tried, found guilty, and burned at the stake along with its egg. A huge crowd was present.
The âroosterâ in this case was likely a hen that had developed male characteristics (it happens).
Still not as properly legal as the Savigny pig trial though.
Ok, clearly you want an excuse to talk about the pig thing, and I now DESPERATELY want to hear about the pig thing, so PLEASE tell us about the Pig Thing.
In 1457 a sow killed Jehan Martin, a five-year-old boy in Savigny. For that crime she was put on trial and judged guilty, and sentenced to be hanged from a tree.
Her piglets, however, were judged to have been innocent of the murder, and so were returned to the owner, with the caveat that he had to surrender them to the law if they were later found to have eaten any of the boy.
Not to be confused with a whole bunch of other, similar porcine trials.
I wonât mention the 1454 excommunication of eels in Lake Geneva then.
OK what did the eels do, and more pressingly why were they in communion with the church in the first place
Animals are expected to be part of the Church by default, thatâs why they take excommunication so badly.
Felix Hemmerlinâs treatise on exorcism, cited by e.g. Wagnerâs Historia Naturalis Helvetiae (1680), informs us that around 1221-1229, eels once infested Lake Geneva in huge numbers. So Saint William, bishop of Lausanne, excommunicated them and banned them from the lake, forcing them to live in only one part of it.
Plot twist: as far as we know, Saint William was never bishop of Lausanne.
Thereâs no way you have historical Christianity nonsense more silly than this to share
Iâve been trying to stay on brand and talk about animals only, but sure, few intersections of Christianity and the legal system get sillier thanâŚ
⌠the Cadaver Synod.
Pope Formosus (âGood-lookingâ) was pope from 891 to 896, and apparently accumulated a few enemies. After his successor Boniface VI enjoyed all of a 15-day papacy, the next pope elected was Stephen VI.
And he hated Formosus.
How much? He had the corpse of Formosus exhumed, dressed up in papal vestments, and put on trial for his failings as a pope.
End result? Formosus was found guilty of papal fail. The corpse was stripped of its clothes, three fingers on its right hand were severed (no blessings for u), and it was tied to weights and dumped in the Tiber.
Needless to say Stephen VI came to a sticky end. An angry mob deposed him, he was strangled in prison, and Formosusâs corpse was fished up and reburied with honors. And the later popes passed edicts ensuring this kind of silliness would not happen again.
Tune in next time when I tell you about how a lawyer defended a cityâs entire rat population.
Please, the rats, give us the rats, i beg....
The story of the rats of Autun is also the story of BarthelĂŠmy de Chasseneuz (or ChassenĂŠe, etc.), a highly original and highly talented defense lawyer. Thatâs him here.
When the town of Autun was infested by rats in the early 1500s, they were accused of eating the provinceâs barley crop and were duly summoned to be judged in an ecclesiastical court of law. Chasseneuz was the defense attorney.
How do you defend an entire swarm of rats? You donât, is the answer. You delay. Chasseneuzâs original defense was âmy clients live all over the place, one summons wonât be enoughâ. So he got a court summons to be posted in all the infested parishes.
When the rats didnât show up after the elapsed time delay, Chasseneuz proceeded to explain at length why. The rats didnât come to court, he said, because of their enemies the cats, which are everywhere and always vigilant and hungry. âYou cannot expect my clients to undertake a journey which would put them in mortal dangerâ, he argued in complete seriousness. âThus they have the legal right to turn down a summons that endangers themâ.
As far as we know, the rats never did appear in court, and remained unprosecuted.
Chasseneuz went on to have a distinguished career as a lawyer and was allegedly killed by a poisoned bouquet of flowers.
Anyone else picturing @a-book-of-creatures sitting in a tavern, significantly tapping their glass every time someone begs for a story, noting that telling stories sure is thirsty work...