“You’ve been in there for hours and you’ve had this song on repeat for weeks now already.” He leaned against the door frame, pale blue eyes fixating on me, eyebrows furrowed, a worried expression on his face.

And I looked away. I couldn’t face him.

He was right. I recently barely left my room, from time to time at least, only if I had to. And these times piled up the past weeks. I tried to hide it, because I didn’t want Jaskier to notice. Tried to keep up that smile and the bubbly energy we both shared. And I thought it worked. But yet again I realized I couldn’t trick him. He was way too good with people and knew me too well.

“I’m just tired. This week’s been exhausting.”, I murmured, still not looking back at him. Right now, there was still a chance that Jaskier would give up and simply leave me alone. But if I’d face him I knew I would start to cry, and then I would have to explain myself, but I know I wouldn’t find any words for what was going on inside my head right now. The past weeks. Months, even. Everything felt off, in a weird way, and I wasn’t able to explain. So, it was easier to deal with this on my own, in my head. Where I wouldn’t have to try and phrase my thoughts and feelings.

I grabbed my phone and turned up the volume just a tad bit, hoping Jaskier would understand and leave. With a sigh I closed my eyes, waiting for the familiar sound of the door closing and footsteps distancing. The door closed. But the footsteps approached, and a second later I felt the weight of his body lowering the mattress. Couldn’t he just go away? Couldn’t he just leave me alone?

“Jaskier, please, I said I’m fine I’m-“

“You can’t fool me, dear”, he interrupted me, and his voice was so incredibly soft, so caring and warm that I knew if he continued to talk, I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears back.

“I don’t expect you to talk to me, not if you don’t want to. I’m definitely not going to force you. But …”, he remained silent for a moment, as if he was trying to find the right words. “I’m worried. You haven’t… you haven’t been really … you, lately. I can see that there’s something bothering you, something that heavies your heart and mind, and I’m worried that it eventually might suffocate you.”

That was it. The first tear was running down my nose, but I did my best to try and keep my breath steady and calm. I hated to cry in front of others, at least when I was crying out of sadness.

“I just want you to know I’m here, okay? I’ll always be, whenever you need me. Remember that, okay?” I nodded quickly, giving him a sign that I was listening and not ignoring him. I wanted to thank him. But the lump in my throat was too big, so I just nodded.

“Good … good”, he whispered in response, and when I felt him shifting on the mattress to get up I quickly reached for his hand. I realized that I didn’t want to be alone, that I needed someone, but not to talk … just to be there.

“Could you … stay?”, I asked, barely audible, my voice almost cracked. But Jaskier sat back down, I felt the warmth of his body against my back again, giving me a feeling of safety. As if this warmth protected me, from the world, from my thoughts. I felt safer.

I took a deep breath, trying to swallow the lump in my throat before I spoke again. “I … don’t want to talk, though. But I think I could need some … some company.”

“Shhh, you don’t have to explain or justify yourself. If you need company, I shall, no, I will provide it, okay? Without question.” His fingers slowly intertwined with mine as his thumb started to gently rub circles on the back of my hand. Which only caused more tears to run down my face, and I desperately tried to suppress any sob, but Jaskier knew me too well. The grip around my hand tightened just a bit, and he turned so he was completely facing me.

“Do you need a hug?”, he asked and I just nodded, gritting my teeth, but as soon as Jaskier wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, it was like something in my brain that was responsible for me holding back shut itself off. Tears were streaming down my face and I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. But Jaskier held me close, and my fingers were clinging onto his forearms as if my life was depending on them, on him. Everything that I’ve been holding back. suppressing, all the tears and emotions, now came over me at once like a tidal wave, and even though for now it felt like i was drowninhg in all of these feelings I knew I would feel better afterwards.

A loud, frantic sob escaped my throat and Jaskier wrapped his arms even tighter around me, gently rocking back and forth, he was mumbling something, I couldn’t understand the words but the sound of his voice and the vibrations I felt from his chest kept me safe.

I don’t know for how long we sat there, how long he held me while I was falling apart in his arms, crying every tear ive swallowed over the past few months. But eventually, even the last single tear ran dry and my breath got calmer again. I didn’t feel much better. But lighter than before. But even after I’ve stopped crying Jaskier kept holding me. And I was glad. I didn’t know if I was emotionally or mentally ready to let go of the shelter his arms and his body provided.

“I just ... I just feel so empty. And lonely.”, I whispered almost hesitantly after a while. “Most of the times, there’s just a void inside of me, and I don’t seem to be able to fill it. It’s ridiculous, because I know that theres is no reason for me to feel like that. I ... I have everything I need in life. Maybe that’s what frustrates me the most. Other people have it so much worse, have experienced so many horrible things and yet there’s nothing I can do against feeling that way even though I know there’s no reason for these kind of feelings.”

My voice got quiet again in the end, nothing more than a raspy whisper. There it was again. The habit to justify myself for my feelings, and to understate them. It’s always been this way. I wouldn’t allow myself any negative feelings that had no cause. Not because I didn’t want to, I really tried, but my mind was telling me other things.

“Can you be happy without any specific reason?”, Jaskier asked, his voice a gentle whisper right beside my ear. The question confused me. “Uhm ... yes, of course”, I replied, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

“Is that feeling of happiness, you can experience without any specific reason less intense, less of an actual, valid feeling?”, he asked further. “What? Of course not, Jaskier, why should-” “Then why”, he interrupted me “Should any of your negative feelings such as sadness be less real, less valid even though in your opinion there might be no good reason for these feelings?”

I really had to think about this for a moment. But as much as I tried, I couldn’t come up with a reasonable argument. I had to admit that he was right. As much as I hated it.

“But I feel so guilty”, I whispered, and in this moment i was glad both uo us were facing the wall. I knew I couldn’t keep up this conversation when I was looking at him. Because right now, i showed myself the most vulnerable I ever had. It was difficult, but Jaskier made it a bit easier.

“We are human, love. We try to find explanations for everything, or anyone to blame. But feelings aren’t something that can be explained so easily. We don’t care when it comes to happy, psoitive feelings. of course not, why shouldn’t we.But with tzhe negative feelings ... when there’s no explanation for that, the most logical consequence is to blame ourselves for them. Even though there’s no need to. Because feelings come and go, no matter what kind of. If, for example, you love someone, but they don’t love you back - they haven’t hurt you, they just don’t feel the same. Then you get sad, which is a reasonable response to the situation. there’s an explanation for your feelings, yet noone to blame. You wouldn’t blame yourself there, too, would you? So why do you do it now?”

Jaskiers voice was calm, soothing. And for the forst time in months I felt rather ... alright. As if his words managed to seal the leaks in my mind that were spreading the void, finally helping me to form clear thoughts again. His words calmed the chaos up there.

The way he explained it everything seemed to make so much sense. And he was right, I coulnd’t say anthing against it. But I knew that was just for that moment. The thoughts would come back. The guilt.

“I understand that I won’t be able to change your mind about this with just one conversation. That’s not my intention”, he continued, as if he’s been knowing exactly what I was thinking about. “But ... if you’ll let me, we can work on this together. If you allow me to help you we will find a way. A way for you to cope. To allow any kind of feeling, good or bad. To be human, but to accept everything that comes with it.”

A single tear rolled down the bridge of my nose, but I wasn’t crying because of sadness again. more because of relief. It felt good that now someone knew what was going on. Someone I trusted, someone I know would support me. Just for the moment I had the feeling that with Jaskiers help I could actually manage to put my thought in order again, to show them theor place. To work with them, not against them.