My Failures

Well I was told by a close friend today as a joke that I'm someone that's very hard to remember. Someone that is easily forgotten. This friend usually tells the truth when he jokes around. Meaning I really don't leave or make a big impression on people and as a human being that hurts A LOT. It hurts because I've noticed that its true. I don't make an impact on anyone's life nonetheless an impression. Am I really that insignificant.....????

You're an alcoholic and I can't do anything to help you. Its not that I haven't tried but more like I can't stop you. You start picking fights with others especially me but I take it in because that's all I can do. Everyone else just fights back or leaves your side. I'm sorry that you've been going through a rough time but I'll always be by your side because I love you and your my dad.

Success.....am I ever gonna have that??? I don't even know where I'm going in life. I'm lost. So does that mean success is not even in my path...???

You and our group of friends used to be extremely close in middle school. We considered ourselves a dysfunctional family because we all had our unique weirdness that spiced up our group. However, my connection with the group broke because I moved away to attend another high school. I missed a good 4-5 years of your life as well as, the rest of our group. I don't feel good about it, but I honestly didn't know what to do to keep our friendship as close as it used to be with me not there. Now that I work with you, I felt like I could rekindle our friendship, but right when I feel that, something always happens that makes it clear as day that I am nowhere near a close relationship with you. Something that really opened my eyes to this was when your dad was in the hospital and you bluntly told me that I was the last person you let know because you forgot to tell me. I didn't know whether to take this personal or not, but it happened again. After I had followed up with you to see if you were ok and if your dad was getting better, you told me you were doing well and so was your dad. Thinking everything was ok, 2 weeks later I asked again and you said your dad was in critical condition and he was going to pass away. I'm not sure you believe you are able to rely on me, but I wish you would. Sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish towards your feeling? If I am, I am extremely sorry for only thinking of myself. But to be honest if you ever do read this, I am 100% sure you won't even care because I honestly do believe I am a nobody in your life and it could be all my fault.

For the past 2 years I have felt lost. I finally got what I most wanted in life, but now I don't know what to do. I worked extremely hard during my 4 years in high school just so that I would get into the college of my dreams. Now that I'm here, I have never felt more alone, unmotivated, and unaccomplished in my life. I try to speak up about it, but I feel that once I do, no one will have a solution to my problem. I feel lost and don't know what to do.

I am not a person who people appreciate and who can blame them. I am not someone you should. I am not understanding. I am not someone you can talk to. I am not someone who is motivated. I am not someone you can look up to. I am not someone who is good at keeping relationships. I am not someone who talks much when things get serious. I am not someone people come to for comfort. I am not someone who is sensitive. I am not someone you can call a best friend even though you have known me for years. I am not someone that could meet your expectations and the reason for that is, I could barely meet mine. And the reason I am not this kind of person is because I really do not know how to be this kind a person. However, little by little I AM going to be this kind of person and most likely better. I need to work my way to be a better person, friend, and family member because as you can see I am lacking.