Going back to therapy tomorrow for the first time in a year and a half. I’m glad I am but also nervous, but I don’t know why. I know I’ve needed to go back for a long time, but always pushed it aside and said I can handle more before I go back, did it for a year but now it’s time. I’m reaching my breaking point and I want to be strong like I know I can be. So, here it goes

Three frozen embryos! Tomorrow I start my IVF cycle. I’m nervous and excited, but staying positive and realistic. It’s very overwhelming with the cost because it’s not covered by insurance like the IUIs we’re, but we’ve been saving for this reason. Not looking forward to a giant needle in my ass every night and many meds including a pill up my woo-haa (lol), and not to mention the emotions that come with the body load of hormones put in me, but it’s worth it. 70% chance looks a lot better than the 15-20% it was for my IUIs. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions for the last 6 months and I’m thankful everyday that I have such an amazing husband to support me and hold me and cry with me. Here’s hoping for success! I know we’ll have many more ups and downs but I’ll get through them.

The holidays are here. Normally I love the holidays, but this year I’m fearful and hurting. I dreading the family get togetherness and most likely will here the “when are you gonna have a baby” or things like that. I have to them come up with an answer in advance, which I can think of is maybe soon. When really I want to scream that I’m trying, have been trying, spending thousands of dollars to try to get pregnant. I’ve already had to fake happy when my sister-in-law said that they had started trying now too. I wanted to yell at her, ask her why the fuck she would say that to me when she knows damn fucking well we’re struggling to. The fear that they will get pregnant before me, and I have to prepare for that very possible day. To make sure I can fake happy, and not show any other emotion until it’s just me and my husband. I’m sick of people trying to relate to me by saying shit like , it takes time, it took up months before we got pregnant, etc. I just want to yell at them to stop trying to even understand a fraction of what I’m going through. Did you have to take several shots a night? Go in every few days to be probed to see if your follicles are mature yet? have you had to do an IUI? have you cried on the toilet when you period comes a few day before you would take a pregnancy test? Have you had to pretend to be happy for others? Have you hated your body because it can’t do what it’s supposed to? Have you had to go over the next step of trying IVF when you’ve have multiple failed IUIs? Have you almost cried in the baby isle of a grocery store? Cried yourself to sleep, held you hand over your mouth in the middle of the night to muffle the sobs? No you haven’t. So stop trying to relate or try to “help”.

Is it weird that having my sims have mods of all my mental illnesses helps me not relapse irl? Like I said, I need therapy again…

I need to go back to therapy. I keep putting it off because I haven’t gone in a year and there’s a lot to unpack but also don’t want to go into all of it cause she’ll want to do regular sessions again and I know that’s a good thing but shit it’s expensive and I also got fertility stuff I’ll be going back into soon hopefully if my cysts have shrunk or whatever and that’s hella expensive. But after the last failed IUI and road blocks that came with it and the emotional toll it’s taken, I really need to go before I start it.