i stay up staring at the ceiling. 2am. i feel dirty, so fucking dirty. the dirt flows in my veins and the rot climbs from between my legs to sit heavy on my chest. can good people do bad things? did you mean to do that, did you understand what it did to me? black and white but then again it never is. i can’t cry, i can’t scream. everything gets stuck to my throat and makes it hard to breathe. i don’t know what to do, what to feel. what if i’m wrong

i have this massive hole in my chest. it grows, swallows me little by little. i’m angry for having to pick up the pieces of something i didn’t break. unfair unfair screams the voice inside my head as i have to learn how to be human again while they walk free with pieces of something that i used to be

i’ve thought maybe i’m actually not traumatized, maybe i haven’t been through anything that qualifies as trauma but then on some nights like these there’s a flash of light, sound of static and i’m in a room. and i realize i’ve forgotten, decided not to see not to realize but to forget. if i remember i will die. i’m standing on the line that divides me and “me”. i want to know i need to know but i can’t or it’ll kill me. i will kill me. i can never accept the “trauma” because if i see it as such i won’t be able to stay here. there’s no escape and the veil is lifting. i can’t keep running but i can’t stop. i don’t want to live with this

my hair has grown long. i’ve started to think i look pretty in pictures others have taken of me. i have bandaged my wounds but they won’t stop bleeding, asking for someone to care for them

was running through tokyo’s smaller stations last saturday evening when a guy stopped me to say he thinks i look beautiful. we exchanged numbers while the escalator brought us back up to the ground level and parted ways at crossroads. everything was so quick yet felt so slow. i haven’t heard from him since but i’ll cherish that moment forever

torturing myself with a horrible pilates&cardio workout. i’m so fine i’m so sane

jäljellä vaan loppu, ei toivoa ei iloa ei mitään ei yhtään mitään. tumma tunneli, öljymeri ja keuhkot joilla ei voi hengittää. ei valoa ei toivoa ei lohtua ei pakotietä

sudden rain and thunderstorm. this depressive episode seems never-ending

sirens, room A3. hungry mouths, greedy hands. how to forget no one will save you