All of this could've been avoided

I’m annoyed abt the binge, obviously, but I’m pretty confident to just blame reactive hunger and move on with my life. (WOAH! PERSONAL GROWTH!) But today I have ... high blood sugar???

That’s a new one. Not TOO high, but consistently high... apparently it’s a mild refeeding issue. Well...shit.

I do try to do what I do as ... carefully as I can. But once you’re used to it it’s so easy to convince yourself that you’re.... safe. Just because you say “Well I KNOW it’s dangerous and stupid” you think it makes it... less dangerous and stupid. And it’s not the FIRST time I’ve binged after fasting, so like... I knew that it was a potential issue, and I knew that my long term malnutrition makes me more fragile to even (relatively) short fasting anyway, that I’m not ... as strong as I used to be. But refeeding’s always been something that happens to other people...

Sometimes reality likes to kick you in the chin, just to reassert itself and remind you that you’re not invincible, I guess.

God I’m so stupid I know I’m stupid I do stupid shit and I pay for it... uggggggggggh

Man I wish I could follow my own fuckin advice. Like.... I’m confident in my understanding of my body, of my disorder, of my diet, I’ve read so much and had many talks w/ my dr and like...............it sinks in. It does.

And then I simultaneously hold myself WELL below the red lines, and feel... proud of myself for having the self control. KNOWING that I’m just hurting myself more. Just smiling and nodding at everyone around me like, yeah I’m doing just fine...

I do not want to go to hospital ever again.

I do not want to go to the ward ever again.

I was thinking about it last night, I don’t think I could stand to go voluntary again... But at this rate I’m going to end up invol. And I KNOW it... 

But I can’t go in on my own. And I don’t... think ... I can just stop on my own. So... I feel like I’m just in between this rock and hard place, where I can’t fulfil either side. And I’m just, passing the time, as though I have infinite.

every time I’m in a “recovery” phase, no matter how half-assed or how short, it always feels like when I come back it totally resets my ed. As if I was a totally normal, cured person, and NOW I’m disordered, but wasn’t before. The time before doesn’t count.

Like... I went through a prolonged recovery phase for jan/feb (do I really think that 2 months is prolonged?...okay) and then in march I started to fall off it, then rebalanced and now I relapsed fully. As of monday I consider myself completely relapsed and have no interest in recovery for myself at this time. Spent most of that time fasting, and am now doing the sub 500 thing like I do, and on one hand I’m like “Yeah, this is just my life, I know how we do things here, everything where I left it.” but on the other hand, I feel like I just started like “man, I’m WAY too early to feel this crap, I’ve only been anorexic for a week...”

When it comes down to it the hard part about restricting isn’t choosing not to eat. It’s making that choice 1000 times a day, every day, day after day, and knowing that there’s no reward for doing it, only punishment for that 1 in a thousand times you don’t. That’s why it’s such a cyclical, almost impossible task, because it’s like “I want to eat, I decide I won’t. Cool. I want to eat...”

As long as you’re like, trying to cope with your reality with restriction and you don’t have other shit to fall back on then it’s like... you’re distracting yourself from reality with your restriction, then you’re distracting yourself from THAT with... what? reality? It’s too stressful. So you just sit and stare at the restriction.

“Eat? No. Cool. Eat? No. Cool. Eat? No. Cool. Eat? NO! Cool. Eat? NO!! Cool. Ea-”

Having willpower is one thing. Having the willpower to indefinitely fight a survival instinct WHILE malnourished, and literally nothing else in the world to distract you? Nobody’s got that kind of willpower. Eventually you crack and then you hate yourself and Ana screams at you and you know she’s right and you go back in the corner and ... it’s back again. Every moment you’re not eating, you’re choosing not to eat, and every time you choose not to it’s a chance to fail.

But what are you gonna do? Deal? With REALITY? have you SEEN how rough it is out there lately? Fuck that.