hi im trash

I wonder how free it might feel

To have the wind push against my wings

To miss the dog that nips at my heels

To not be chasing

To not be chased

To not be fleeing nor feeling too safe

I watch the birds rest on the cable

together or just not alone

Is that maybe a family

Or maybe just others they know

To be surrounded by equals

To be hunted by none

Choosing to flock together instead of leaving their young

I watch the birds pick at the side walk

Eating thrown bread off the street

I wonder if they know that is kindness

I wonder does guilt come in sleep

To take simply when wanting

No returns for what is received

The soil was rotten and sticky

Tacky like a mouse trap and no longer green like the tea is was steeped in

And so we gutted the garden, we dealt with our weeds, we killed off the pests, we fumigated

And for a while our garden was good it was not perfect, there were still mites and mosquitos and vines of poison oak but it was our garden

We tended to other gardens for a while, we watched as they would pull roots that belonged

We would reach out out hand to slap away their shears we would reorganize we would help

Sometimes in our innate belief that we must help we did more damage, sometimes we were the ones pulling roots, and using pesticides of bad nature

But our garden was still good.

And now our garden is dying.

Now we are pulling roots, now we are exterminating the worms, and the ants, and the spiders whom eat our mites

Now our mites grow in size. they are fat and greedy , and they eat and they eat until there is nothing to be picked

Now the water is dirty with oil . That is the water we have left to give , where the rest is going on well ask your phone I’m sure it will find some to give you an answer with

Our garden is dying. Our flowers have wilted. Our fruit have rotten.

What we have now is no garden because it does not give life as it takes .

They do not breath

They do not live

Dreams do not die

But you can wake up

You can end something that never began

My dreams have not died

but I sit up in my bed

I stare at the note books

The key board collecting dust against the wall

My dreams have not died

I feel them tapping behind my skull

Peeking through my eyes

Filling me with nostalgic dread

Sometime I go back to sleep

I pick up my pen

I hum a melody off pitch

I let her hold me in an intangible warmth

Sometimes I go back to sleep

But even as she hold my hand I can hear the alarm sound

On my night stand, in my ear

Knocking on my bones

Dreams do not die

Mine have not died

But I cannot afford to let my life pass

Because I didn’t want to get out of bed

My blankets do not sit in a laundry bag waiting to be washed

The desk is organized, no cups or stacked bowls too close to the edge

There is no begging for contentment

In another life my room is clean

The bed is made but the sheets are coated in dust, everything is coated in dust.

My cat lays on my bed with no one to bother him, and no one to pet where he likes

There is an extra urn in the display

In another life there is beeping in my ears and lights in my eyes

Hospital blankets rub uncomfortably on my bare calfs

My mother holds my hand while I pretend to not see her red rimmed eyes

There is no hiding

In another life I sleep on my mothers bed and she rocks me to a familiar song I’ve never heard before

The sheets smell like shampoo and love and everything before the age of fourteen

I crack open my chest, i let the ugliest pieces of my soul soak into her clothes

There is someone holding my hand

In this life I bite my tongue to keep the words that never stop flowing through my head from leaving my mouth

I am placid and polite and I’m always doing okay even if I am not

I lay in bed at night, feeling alone, scribbling in a journal I’ve named, admitting to truths too scary to say

There is no comfort in the dark

Overly ripe

I am bills unpaid

Someone you love but don’t like

I am easy to have until I am not

Something perfectly in reach no one will touch

The puppy you returned for being too much

The dog that bites , refusing to be taught

The door is wide open but no one walks through

But when it’s closed they all want to go

Hold me or suffocate me

Caress my cheek with a closed hand

Cut and bruised palms

Always fighting for a spot I can’t keep

Blood under nails

Holding on too tight to people who leave

I am rotten and rotting

Overly ripe

You pick me to toss me

Something you don’t love or like

Ever growing

completely in your hands

I gaze up from where I kneel in awe, waiting at your command

You always ask

Never order me around

You hold me soft like glass

It is me who offers to hit the ground

Everything I have

You can call it all yours

The very shirt off my back

Every ounce of blood or sweat that dares to leave my pours

I would make you your own alter

I would hang the stars in the sky

My adoration could never falter

Doing anything at all to make sure I keep your light

We take a drive around the block

I can trace the shadow of you frame

And smell the smoke that would waft as you walk

We crack jokes in the car

Sentence too close to one of your own

I can hear the way it’d leave your lips

And the raspy laugh and smile that glowed

I flip through pages

trace my finger across photos inside

And for a moment I forget

You aren’t in my photos of pride

They ask if I want to go down stairs

See the clothes you’ll never wear

I fake a smile and wave it off

What’s the point if you aren’t there

Tender the way that little kids first learn to be gentle with lady bugs and let them crawl over their hand

Tender like the way that on the end of a summers day a park bench is still warm from the sun beating on their metal

Tender in a way that has me rolling and draping my weighted blanket over my waist so it almost feels like an arm

I want her in a soft way

Soft in the way you laugh after getting home from walking the dog in the winter just for you both to slip the minute you step inside

Soft in the way you wrap yourself in a freshly dried blanket simply to bask in the warmth

Soft in the way I hold my own hand under tables when I’m nervous because maybe it’ll feel like she’s there and I’m not alone

I want her in a desperate way

Desperate like the way you fight to break waters surface after jumping in too deep

Desperate in the way climbers claw at the edges of jagged steep cliffs in attempt to hold on

Desperate like the way that I clutch my phone waiting for her to tell me it’ll all be okay

And I want her carnally

Carnal the way ice cream drips down your forearm and how you like up the race tracks in attempt to erase their sticky prints

Carnal in the way leaves growls growing at the backs of peoples throats and teeth marks on necks

Carnal in the way I have to pause when I read her words and how my fingers twitch to touch her skin

I want her

I want her tender and soft and carnally

I want her as a mess and put together and even when she doesn’t want herself

I want her and I have her

And now I want her in a way that’s not a want at all

I need

Listening to music and enjoying the nights beach

Simple but so gorgeous you can’t help but visit

Looking out and imagining what’s just out of reach

Cheeks so rosy and pink like a flower

But everything you touch seems to bloom instead

You’re presence like light, an all enveloping power

One I don’t think I’ll ever try to shake loose

A moment of you’re time and fragments of you day

I hold them in my palm but the pierce causes no pain

Stained glass in your honor, made in your shape

My knees touch the pews, when I pray it’s your name

One of them bags the fruit at my favorite farmers market

Two of them are my best friends parents

Little ones run around parks chasing rays of light

There are aliens in the streets

I watch them and the way they gather

I watch the way the congregate for music and celebrations

I watch the way they scatter at the sight of dark vans

There are aliens in the streets

But there are monsters in the light

Monsters that rip them from their homes

Monsters that chase them down

There are aliens in the streets

But there are monsters in the light

And these monsters call them scary

But aliens aren’t the ones picking fights

Socks up to my knees

Leaving but not for good

Lies that I used to believe

Drives to art galleries

And getting sick in the car

Drives to different states

Missing you not being far

when you were still you

Sharing a twin bed

You’ve upgraded to a queen

Efficiently cutting thread

Blood is thicker then water

But both can help you drown

Blood was thicker than water

And then you skipped town

A glass frame on display

You’re face is right there

But the family that surrounds you

Isn’t one we share

Teeth to flesh

Cravings so strong

Just for a touch

A touch to a taste

A night to a life time

Fingers dancing across flesh

Only in my mind

A thought like a drug

One hit is all it takes

Blood pumping fast

Begging, please call my name

Being untaught

Reversing bad habits

something I’m not

Bruised knees from my falls

Palms full of scars

Not used to being caught

Looking into open arms

Im not good at soft

They have taken too much

But i sit trying to mellow

Skin sensitive to touch

Learning to be better

Becoming someone whole

Not wanting to be broken

If I’m going to be yours

If the day was forever the same

But always complete new to you

I would still call your name

I would still chase your heart

I would still make sure we were never far apart

If it was my job

To remind you of what we had

I’d do it for centuries

Without a thought to be mad

If you always needed reminders

If you always forgot you were mine

I would ask again every day

Keeping us forever intertwined

Trips to the store

Funny colored hair

Joking even more

Flipping hair you do not have

Cigarette pinched between your teeth

A smile tinged with whiskey

Your beard against my cheek

Skin bushed bright yellow

Breathing going week

Tonight I lay my head down on my pillow

Praying to gods who never speak

Praying that when I awake

You’ll still be here with me

I’m restless with every tick

I am not calm

Every hiccup followed by a twitch

My eyes not soft

My hands too rough

Thoughts not pretty

And tongue too sharp

But pupils dilate at her name

Fists unclenched with a thought

A thought that comes sweetly

A name that’s said so soft

I am not a patient woman

A sea always in storm

But I’ll always warm my tides

If it means her frame along my shore

To know my roots will steal from her supply

To be the Gardner ripping weeds from the ground

To try and prevent the damage I know I will cause

To be the house that blocks her sun

To know she will have it all and sometimes none cause of me

To be the nasty broke one

The one I know she will try to fix

To know she feels the same

And to know I cannot stop it