Stardust

Sorry. I don’t have someone to vent out. I’m just really disappointed with myself because I am letting my past mistakes happen again right now. There’s this man who want to pursue me. But the other one is way faster than him, so I didn’t have a choice but to turned him down. 

I have a boyfriend, after a year of being single. Finally, huh. But hey, I felt like I’m still single because he doesn’t like videocalls, sending pictures, and updating each other a lot. Obviously he is becoming more like my recent ex. And it pains me to the core. 

There’s a lot of men who have been confessing to me. But I don’t care about them. Bu the one that I choose always make me feel devastating.

And I just took a leave from work, thinking that he had plans for us. But nah. We can’t meet up  daw. Coz he’s busy. (Like for 24 hrs?) 

I’m not expert when it comes to love, but I know a thing or two. 

1. When you truly love someone, you wouldn’t miss her on your birthday. Especially if it’s not an LDR. You’ll do everything to make it work. 

2. There’s no valid reasons not to see your loved ones even just for a bit. 1 hr with me, won’t hurt. 

I celebrated my birthday last Wednesday, and I couldn’t believe that the 1st person who greeted me, was my crush. 

He also said that he has a gift for me but he couldn’t make it to go to our house due to his Church obligations. 

But we never talked na ngayon, so yeah. It was just a plain false hope. 

I really don’t get myself. Because I have some obsession with someone who is appear to be unreachable for me. 

I’m single but I’m not interested to entertain anyone else’s feelings. 

I know that it wasn’t my first time being dumped and fooled by a guy,

But it affects me differently right now, like I don’t ever want to take risks again.

Been keeping myself preoccupied with random stuffs at home. It’s almost 2021  but I haven’t found my purpose of existence yet. I’m into makeups, books, and songs lately. Still applying for work online. But none of them appreciate to contact me. So yeah. I know my life is pretty unstable. Seems like forever when the last time I felt genuine happiness. All I wanted was to become employed and to help my family. But because of this pandemic, my dreams turn quickly into ashes.

I have a crush into someone younger than me. Probably just 1-2 years gap. And sad to say we keep on missing each other. Like literally. So maybe the universe doesn’t want us to meet ever again. It’s such a waste. Because he will be gone and away very soonest. But hey, it’s not that even serious. I just admire him for what he is and how well he performs his duty in serving God.

Sanay na po akong malungkot.

Sanay na po akong magtiis.

Sanay na rin po akong masaktan.

Ang hindi po ako sanay ay yung malayo Ka po sa akin.

Kaya naman po AMA, nakikiusap po ako sa Iyo.

Hwag na ‘wag Mo po akong iiwan,

Kahit isang saglit, ‘wag Mo po akong bibitiwan.

Sa aking paglalakbay dito sa mundong puno ng kahirapan.

Samahan Mo po ako hanggang sa matapos ko po,

Ang aking takbuhin.

Taglay po ang pananampalatayang bigay Mo.

Lalong lalo na po ang mga banal na tungkuling itiniwala Mo. 

Buong galak po na aking masabi,

Ang tagal naman kaseng tumawag nung inapplyan ko dito sa malapit. Wala na ba talagang tatawag dyan? Is that your final answer mga mamser?

Inip na inip na ‘ko. Yung feeling na paulit-ulit na lang nangyayari sa araw-araw. Wala na ‘kong nilulook-forward. Haha apakatamlay ng life ko. 

Kapag naman lumuwas na ‘ko, wala ng uwian. Mahirap na. Baka madala ko pa yung virus sa bahay namin. Delikads.

Bakit ba napakashit naman ng life ko?

Yung tatay ko, since 8 y.o. ako may kabit na, hanggang ngayon na 22 y.o. na ‘ko, sila pa din nung kabit niya.

Nagboyfriend ako nung 16 y.o. ako, tas inaya akong makipagchukchak. Tumanggi ako. Kaya naghanap na lang ng iba.

Sa sobrang choosy ko, 20 y.o. na ulit ako nagkabf, kaso ako nanligaw dun. Nung sinagot na niya ko, inaaya na din akong makipagchukchak.

Naknampota pala, bat puro ganun lang ang aya. Wala man lang mag-aya ng kasal.

Kaya ayun, nung sinabi ko na gusto ko pag nakipagchukchak sa honeymoon, ayun bigla na lang nanlamig, at di nagtagal binreak na din ako. Hahaha

Sabi pa, okay lang naman daw makipagchukchak ng di pa kasal, para kapag daw kinasal na e expert na daw pagdating sa ganun. Ekis daw kase yung hindi marunong.

Pero may kanya-kanya naman tayong paniniwala diba?

Basta ako, gusto ko ireregalo ko yun sa mapapangasawa ko. Sa araw na itinakda ng AMA upang kami ay maging isa. Hindi yung dahil lang sa hormones o nadala lang ng emosyon.

Akala ko dati, basta mag-aral kang mabuti magkakaroon ka ng magandang kinabukasan. Kaya talagang pinag-butihan ko, makagraduate lang on time. 5 years akong nagsunog ng kilay para sa pag-aaral ko, plus nagreview pa ‘ko ng 6 mos.

Pero lumipas na ang dalawang taon, matapos ang aking pagtatapos, ngunit ako na yata ang matatapos.

Wala pa rin akong SSS, Philhealth, Pag-ibig, etc. 

Sobrang hirap maghanap ng work, kase kadalasan mas priority nila lalake.

Sa probinsya naman, palakasan. Hindi tatanggapin, kung walang backer mula sa taas.

Ginawa kong kapit-bahay yung Mnl, kahit 5hrs yung byahe (balikan pa).

Kabisado ko na yung mga tanungan ng HR sa interview.

Pero kung kailan naman ako nahired, tsaka nagkaroon ng COVID.

Hindi ko na alam kung kailan ulit ako makakapagwork. Ayaw ko pang bumalik kase parang suicidal mission kung babalik na ‘ko. Ang dami pang cases.

Kaya, heto. Tambay lang. Sayang lang pinampaaral sa’kin ng magulang ko.

It’s been 2 years since I graduated from college !!!!

What did I ever achieved? - NONE

I still don’t have a stable work.

I’m just wasting my breath here in this cruel world.

My mind is in chaos.

AMA, nakikisuyo po ako Sa Iyo.

Pakibantayan Mo po ang puso ko.

Ayaw ko na pong magkamaling muli sa pagpili.

Nawa po kapag muling tumibok ang puso ko,

Pero kapag naman nahulog ako, sobrang hirap ng makabangon.

Please don’t get attached so easily again.

Don’t believe when someone told you the words that you’re craving for.

Don’t let anyone decide your worth.

Prove them wrong.