Toto I've a feeling we're fucked

Because he's a sexy beast who writes killer music

The off season has officially started. Be warned.

1990- Eurocat

Eurocat, I feel, simply has way too much innocent cartoony energy to actually get away with kidnapping anything. Like he could try to kidnap a kid by luring them into a van with "free candy" written on the side, but something would go horribly and cartoonishly wrong Wile E. Coyote style. The van would fall apart. The kid would turn out to be an undercover cop. He'd drive straight into wet cement and get stuck. The universe is perpetually stacked against Eurocat and preventing him from ever succeeding or enjoying anything, solely for the sake of slapstick comedy.

I rest my case.

1992- The Diggiloo Thrush (Eurobird)

This guy has way too much dork energy. Like he wouldn't be as chronically unsuccessful as Eurocat, but he'd still fuck it up. Hell, I don't even think he'd try. Any kid could probably kick his ass anyway.

My brother in Christ you got your ass kicked by a BOOK.

2022- Leo (Eurodrone)

Listen. This is a robot. If you wanna use him as a modern day Drifloon and lure some children into the woods by hanging a bag of candy off his rotor braces, he won't even protest. Nothing more to say other than officer, it's this one.

2025- Lumo (EuroAIGeneratedAbomination)

One, Lumo has so precious little going on behind those big empty eyes that I doubt they even have the brain capacity to write "free candy" on the van, let alone drive it, and Two, they are the child getting kidnapped.

2026- Auri (EuroBiPridePigBear)

Spoiler alert: Not many. I'm bad at this.

🇵🇱 Poland: Overly dramatic pop song with OTT, LED-and-strobing-effects-heavy staging that fails to deliver. Scrapes into the final, but finishes lower right hand side.

🇲🇩 Moldova: Desperately tries to be the next televote bait meme act but they've lost their sparkle. Qualifies, but misses out on the top 10.

🇧🇬 Bulgaria: Desperately tries to be the next jurybait act and is successfully dragged into the top 10 on jury support alone. "Shock" televote flop.

🇸🇪 Sweden: Back on their usual bullshit, jury heavy hitter with over 200 jury votes, but less than 100 televotes. Reclaims their crown as the 6th Place Queens they are. Nature is healing.

🇬🇧 UK: Nobody wanted to rep already them after the last 2 years, so coupled with that and the political hot potato of "do we want to be seen endorsing Israeli war crimes by acting like nothing's happening", they're forced to send Daz Sampson again as he's the only person willing to end his career in such a way, and go on to score their second double nil. The BBC miraculously does not pull out in 2027.

🇵🇹 Portugal: The dishonour of representing them at Eurovision is passed all the way down the FdC scoreboard until they reach that One Band who actually want to compete. They DQ. The ghost of Terry Wogan possesses RTP from now on and they proceed to spend the 2027 season grumbling about political voting only to regrettably show up again in 2027.

🇮🇹 Italy: Similar situation as Portugal, only this time the winner of Sanremo publicly denounces Italy's participation in the face of Israel's actions in Gaza and is promptly ushered off stage. They go radio silent for a few days until eventually announcing their participant. Unlike Portugal however, they at least auto-qualify and are competent enough to smoothly cruise into the top 10 with equal jury and public support. Song does gangbusters on Spotify.

🇫🇷 France: Is now struggling to find popular artists willing to rep them despite their success over the last 2 years, as again, nobody young and hip wants to be caught dead at this thing any more. Eventually finds someone and finishes somewhere mid-table after being kneecapped by the running order. (Edit: I will say, there is something VERY telling about France sending an American this year.)

🇧🇪 Belgium: Sends some flashy, openly queer Voice reject with a competent song and incompetent staging and painfully weak live vocals. "Shock" NQ.

🇫🇮 Finland: Forced to pull out after being unable to find anyone willing to enter UMK. Tries and fails to make it seem like a budget thing and not a politics thing. Probably gets called out by multiple former contestants for lying.

🇱🇹 Lithuania: Sends one of Käärijaä's buddies for the real televote bait meme song of the year. Predictably tanked by the juries but hauled into a top 3 finish by the televote.

🇨🇿 Czechia: Sends a band with their usual flavour of Czech Techno™️. Hugely popular with the fanbase, though they seem more invested in the band's "lovable rogue" social media presence than their actual song. Performance comes with a strobe lights trigger warning and the proceed to become the real shock NQ of the night.

🇦🇹 Austria: Hosts have all the charisma of roadkill and no amount of smiley TV hostess veneer can cover the fear of helming this thing should shit hit the fan during the voting. The distinct absense of 2025 winner JJ is haphazardly covered by a weirdly unfunny cover of Rise Like a Phoenix performed by a popular local comedian who's not a drag queen, and a tribute to the late Udo Jurgens by a local children's choir.

🇩🇰 Denmark: Greenlandic artist enters DMGP and crushes the televote. They do surprisingly well at ESC despite the song being painfully mid.