Toto I've a feeling we're fucked

Because he's a sexy beast who writes killer music

Third time lucky, tl;dr had to pull out a website called Astro-Seek to pinpoint the precise transition dates for anyone born around the 19th-23rd of their respective months of their respective years to truly try and nail down their sign.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm autistic?

♈ Aries: Agnetha Fältskog (ABBA, 1974), Ard Weeink (Teach-In, 1975) Lee Sheridan (Brotherhood of Man, 1976), Elisabeth Andreassen (Bobbysocks, 1985), Céline Dion (1988), Nenad Nakić (Riva, 1989), Linda Martin (1992), Rolf Løvland (Secret Garden, 1995) Katrina Leskanich (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Nils Olsen (Olsen Brothers, 2000), Sergei Morgun (2XL, 2001) Duncan Laurence (2019)

♉ Taurus: Teddy Scholten (1959), Jacqueline Boyer (1960), Jørgen Ingmann (1963), Björn Ulvaeus (ABBA, 1974), Marie Myriam (1977), Johnny Logan (1980 and 1987), Jay Aston (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Emilija Kokić, Dalibor Musap AND Zvonimir Zrilić (All Riva, 1989), Paul Harrington (1994), Alexander Rybak (2009), Victoria de Angelis (Måneskin, 2021), Oleh Psiuk and MC KylymMen (both Kalush Orchestra, 2022), JJ (2025)

♊ Gemini: Grethe Ingmann (1963), Salomé (Spain, 1969), Anne-Marie David (1973), Koos Versteeg (Teach-In, 1975), Kaido Põldma (2XL, 2001), Ruslana (2004), Lena Meyer-Landrut (2010), Eldar Qasımov (Ell & Nikki, 2011), Måns Zelmerlöw (2015)

♋ Cancer: John Gaasbeek (Teach-In, 1975), Toto Cutugno (1990), Marie N (2002), Amen and OX (both Lordi, 2006)

♌ Leo: Isabelle Aubret (1962), Massiel (1968), Per and Richard Herrey (Herreys, 1984), Nemo (2024)

♍ Virgo: Dana (1970), Vicky Leandros (1972), Bobby Gee (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Boško Colić (Riva, 1989), Carola (1991), Fionnuala Sherry and Hans Frederik-Jacobsen (Secret Garden and Co, 1995), Indrek Soom (2XL, 2001), Nigar Jamal (Ell & Nikki, 2011), Jamala (2016), Dara (2026)

♎ Libra: France Gall (1965), Udo Jürgens (1966), Séverine (1971), Chris de Wolde (Teach-In, 1975), Smulik Bilu (Milk and Honey, 1979), Sandra Kim (1986), Åsa Jinder (Secret Garden and Co, 1995) Vince de la Cruz (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Charlotte Nilsson (1999), Loreen (2012 and 2023), Ethan Torchio (Måneskin, 2021), Sasha Tab and Vitalii Duzhyk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♏ Scorpio: Jean-Claude Pascale (1961), Frida Boccara (France 1969), Lulu (UK, 1969), Anni-Frid Lyngstad (ABBA, 1974), Rudi Nijhuis (Teach-In, 1975), Reuven Erez (Alphabeta, 1978), Nicole (1982), Corinne Hermès (1983), Louis Herrey (Herreys, 1984), Tanel Padar (2001), Marija Šerifović (2007), Conchita Wurst (2014)

♐ Sagittarius: Corry Brokken (1957), Gigliola Cinquetti (1964), Benny Andersson (ABBA, 1974), Martin Lee, Nicky Stevens AND Sandra Stevens (all Brotherhood of Man, 1976), Reuven Gvirtz (Milk and Honey, 1979), Mike Nolan (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Charlie McGettigan (1994), Eimear Quinn (1996), Kimberley Rew (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Sertab Erener (2003)

♑ Capricorn: André Claveau (1958), Esther Tzuberi (Alphabeta, 1978), Gali Altari (1979), Aleksandra Kalafatović (Riva, 1989) Dima Bilan (2008), Salvador Sobral (2017), Damiano David and Thomas Raggi (both Måneskin, 2021), Ihor Didenchuk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♒ Aquarius: Yehuda Tamir (Milk and Honey, 1979), Hanne Krogh (Bobbysocks, 1985), Niamh Kavanagh (1993), Gunnhild Tvinnereim (Secret Garden and Co, 1995), Dana International (1998), Dave Benton (2001), Helena Paparizou (2005), Mr Lordi and Kita (both Lordi, 2006), Netta Barzilai (2018), Tymofii Muzychuk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♓ Pisces: Lys Assia (1956), Sandie Shaw (1967), Lenny Kuhr (Netherlands, 1969), Getty Kaspers (Teach-In, 1975), Yizhar Cohen (1978), Cheryl Baker (Bucks Fizz, 1981) Jørgen Olsen (Olsen Brothers, 2000), Lauri Pihlap (2XL, 2001) Awa (Lordi, 2006), Emmelie de Forest (2013)

UNKNOWN: Lisa Gold-Rubin, Itzhak Okev and Nehama Shutan (all Alphabeta, 1978), Alex Cooper (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), as usual if you have any information about these one then please let me know

As I said, the old list had a few mistakes as well as way too many addendums/additional notes to explain changes, so fuck it, I just redid the whole thing.

I didn't double check EVRYONE'S birthday because honestly I don't even remember how me and @ignatius-servatius managed to find some of them, but I have rechecked most of them. There aren't too many changes, but...

WE HAVE TWO NEW CANCERIANS EVRYONE GIVE IT UP FOR THE RAREST SIGN FINALLY GETTING SOME MORE NAMES WHOO It still only has 6 names now but that's better than 4

Without further ado...

♈ Aries: Agnetha Fältskog (ABBA, 1974), Ard Weeink (Teach-In, 1975) Lee Sheridan (Brotherhood of Man, 1976), Elisabeth Andreassen (Bobbysocks, 1985), Céline Dion (1988), Nenad Nakić (Riva, 1989), Linda Martin (1992), Rolf Løvland (Secret Garden, 1995) Katrina Leskanich (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Nils Olsen (Olsen Brothers, 2000), Sergei Morgun (2XL, 2001) Duncan Laurence (2019)

♉ Taurus: Teddy Scholten (1959), Jacqueline Boyer (1960), Jørgen Ingmann (1963), Björn Ulvaeus (ABBA, 1974), Marie Myriam (1977), Johnny Logan (1980 and 1987), Jay Aston (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Emilija Kokić, Dalibor Musap AND Zvonimir Zrilić (All Riva, 1989), Paul Harrington (1994), Alexander Rybak (2009), Victoria de Angelis (Måneskin, 2021), Oleh Psiuk and MC KylymMen (both Kalush Orchestra, 2022), JJ (2025)

♊ Gemini: Grethe Ingmann (1963), Anne-Marie David (1973), Koos Versteeg (Teach-In, 1975), Kaido Põldma (2XL, 2001), Ruslana (2004), Lena Meyer-Landrut (2010), Eldar Qasımov (Ell & Nikki, 2011), Måns Zelmerlöw (2015)

♋ Cancer: Salomé (Spain, 1969), John Gaasbeek (Teach-In, 1975), Toto Cutugno (1990), Marie N (2002), Amen and OX (both Lordi, 2006)

♌ Leo: Isabelle Aubret (1962), Massiel (1968), Vicky Leandros (1972), Per and Richard Herrey (Herreys, 1984), Bobby Gee (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Nemo (2024)

♍ Virgo: Dana (1970), Boško Colić (Riva, 1989), Carola (1991), Fionnuala Sherry and Hans Frederik-Jacobsen (Secret Garden and Co, 1995), Indrek Soom (2XL, 2001), Nigar Jamal (Ell & Nikki, 2011), Jamala (2016), Dara (2026)

♎ Libra: France Gall (1965), Udo Jürgens (1966), Séverine (1971), Chris de Wolde (Teach-In, 1975), Smulik Bilu (Milk and Honey, 1979), Sandra Kim (1986), Åsa Jinder (Secret Garden and Co, 1995) Vince de la Cruz (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Charlotte Nilsson (1999), Loreen (2012 and 2023), Ethan Torchio (Måneskin, 2021), Sasha Tab and Vitalii Duzhyk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♏ Scorpio: Jean-Claude Pascale (1961), Frida Boccara (France 1969), Lulu (UK, 1969), Anni-Frid Lyngstad (ABBA, 1974), Rudi Nijhuis (Teach-In, 1975), Reuven Erez (Alphabeta, 1978), Nicole (1982), Corinne Hermès (1983), Louis Herrey (Herreys, 1984), Tanel Padar (2001), Marija Šerifović (2007), Conchita Wurst (2014)

♐ Sagittarius: Corry Brokken (1957), Gigliola Cinquetti (1964), Benny Andersson (ABBA, 1974), Martin Lee, Nicky Stevens AND Sandra Stevens (all Brotherhood of Man, 1976), Reuven Gvirtz (Milk and Honey, 1979), Mike Nolan (Bucks Fizz, 1981), Charlie McGettigan (1994), Eimear Quinn (1996), Kimberley Rew (Katrina and the Waves, 1997), Sertab Erener (2003)

♑ Capricorn: André Claveau (1958), Esther Tzuberi (Alphabeta, 1978), Gali Altari (1979), Aleksandra Kalafatović (Riva, 1989) Dima Bilan (2008), Salvador Sobral (2017), Damiano David and Thomas Raggi (both Måneskin, 2021), Ihor Didenchuk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♒ Aquarius: Yehuda Tamir (Milk and Honey, 1979), Hanne Krogh (Bobbysocks, 1985), Niamh Kavanagh (1993), Gunnhild Tvinnereim (Secret Garden and Co, 1995), Dana International (1998), Dave Benton (2001), Helena Paparizou (2005), Mr Lordi and Kita (both Lordi, 2006), Netta Barzilai (2018), Tymofii Muzychuk (Kalush Orchestra, 2022)

♓ Pisces: Lys Assia (1956), Sandie Shaw (1967), Lenny Kuhr (Netherlands, 1969), Getty Kaspers (Teach-In, 1975), Yizhar Cohen (1978), Cheryl Baker (Bucks Fizz, 1981) Jørgen Olsen (Olsen Brothers, 2000), Lauri Pihlap (2XL, 2001) Awa (Lordi, 2006), Emmelie de Forest (2013)

UNKNOWN: Lisa Gold-Rubin*, Itzhak Okev and Nehama Shutan* (all Alphabeta, 1978), Alex Cooper (Katrina and the Waves, 1997)

*I did uncover some information regarding Lisa Gold-Rubin and Nehama Shutan which would make them Pisces and Leo respectively, however I was unable to confirm whether they were the actual Eurovision performers or whether they just happened to share the same names. The lead for Gold-Rubin is stronger… but still unconfirmed 😅

The off season has officially started. Be warned.

1990- Eurocat

Eurocat, I feel, simply has way too much innocent cartoony energy to actually get away with kidnapping anything. Like he could try to kidnap a kid by luring them into a van with "free candy" written on the side, but something would go horribly and cartoonishly wrong Wile E. Coyote style. The van would fall apart. The kid would turn out to be an undercover cop. He'd drive straight into wet cement and get stuck. The universe is perpetually stacked against Eurocat and preventing him from ever succeeding or enjoying anything, solely for the sake of slapstick comedy.

I rest my case.

1992- The Diggiloo Thrush (Eurobird)

This guy has way too much dork energy. Like he wouldn't be as chronically unsuccessful as Eurocat, but he'd still fuck it up. Hell, I don't even think he'd try. Any kid could probably kick his ass anyway.

My brother in Christ you got your ass kicked by a BOOK.

2022- Leo (Eurodrone)

Listen. This is a robot. If you wanna use him as a modern day Drifloon and lure some children into the woods by hanging a bag of candy off his rotor braces, he won't even protest. Nothing more to say other than officer, it's this one.

2025- Lumo (EuroAIGeneratedAbomination)

One, Lumo has so precious little going on behind those big empty eyes that I doubt they even have the brain capacity to write "free candy" on the van, let alone drive it, and Two, they are the child getting kidnapped.

2026- Auri (EuroBiPridePigBear)

Spoiler alert: Not many. I'm bad at this.

🇵🇱 Poland: Overly dramatic pop song with OTT, LED-and-strobing-effects-heavy staging that fails to deliver. Scrapes into the final, but finishes lower right hand side.

🇲🇩 Moldova: Desperately tries to be the next televote bait meme act but they've lost their sparkle. Qualifies, but misses out on the top 10.

🇧🇬 Bulgaria: Desperately tries to be the next jurybait act and is successfully dragged into the top 10 on jury support alone. "Shock" televote flop.

🇸🇪 Sweden: Back on their usual bullshit, jury heavy hitter with over 200 jury votes, but less than 100 televotes. Reclaims their crown as the 6th Place Queens they are. Nature is healing.

🇬🇧 UK: Nobody wanted to rep already them after the last 2 years, so coupled with that and the political hot potato of "do we want to be seen endorsing Israeli war crimes by acting like nothing's happening", they're forced to send Daz Sampson again as he's the only person willing to end his career in such a way, and go on to score their second double nil. The BBC miraculously does not pull out in 2027.

🇵🇹 Portugal: The dishonour of representing them at Eurovision is passed all the way down the FdC scoreboard until they reach that One Band who actually want to compete. They DQ. The ghost of Terry Wogan possesses RTP from now on and they proceed to spend the 2027 season grumbling about political voting only to regrettably show up again in 2027.

🇮🇹 Italy: Similar situation as Portugal, only this time the winner of Sanremo publicly denounces Italy's participation in the face of Israel's actions in Gaza and is promptly ushered off stage. They go radio silent for a few days until eventually announcing their participant. Unlike Portugal however, they at least auto-qualify and are competent enough to smoothly cruise into the top 10 with equal jury and public support. Song does gangbusters on Spotify.

🇫🇷 France: Is now struggling to find popular artists willing to rep them despite their success over the last 2 years, as again, nobody young and hip wants to be caught dead at this thing any more. Eventually finds someone and finishes somewhere mid-table after being kneecapped by the running order. (Edit: I will say, there is something VERY telling about France sending an American this year.)

🇧🇪 Belgium: Sends some flashy, openly queer Voice reject with a competent song and incompetent staging and painfully weak live vocals. "Shock" NQ.

🇫🇮 Finland: Forced to pull out after being unable to find anyone willing to enter UMK. Tries and fails to make it seem like a budget thing and not a politics thing. Probably gets called out by multiple former contestants for lying.

🇱🇹 Lithuania: Sends one of Käärijaä's buddies for the real televote bait meme song of the year. Predictably tanked by the juries but hauled into a top 3 finish by the televote.

🇨🇿 Czechia: Sends a band with their usual flavour of Czech Techno™️. Hugely popular with the fanbase, though they seem more invested in the band's "lovable rogue" social media presence than their actual song. Performance comes with a strobe lights trigger warning and the proceed to become the real shock NQ of the night.

🇦🇹 Austria: Hosts have all the charisma of roadkill and no amount of smiley TV hostess veneer can cover the fear of helming this thing should shit hit the fan during the voting. The distinct absense of 2025 winner JJ is haphazardly covered by a weirdly unfunny cover of Rise Like a Phoenix performed by a popular local comedian who's not a drag queen, and a tribute to the late Udo Jurgens by a local children's choir.

🇩🇰 Denmark: Greenlandic artist enters DMGP and crushes the televote. They do surprisingly well at ESC despite the song being painfully mid.