*eats 14 packs of scooby doo fruit flavored gummy snacks* im gonna solve mysteries so fucking good

I wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on

Me @ 2016: are you done or are you finished

Someone left the cat pipes on.

The internet has sprung a leak

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

You ever be out having fun and then you start detaching yourself from yourself and just start thinking about how happiness is temporary and how much you hate yourself and you’re unsuccessful and ugly

I actually hate being sappy like I’ll say “I missed you today” then immediately drag them to diffuse the situation

“Where were you today? I missed u. Thought ya lil ugly ass went and joined the soul circus”

when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly theyre holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell

Growing up, I thought being sprayed by skunks was going to be a much more common occurrence in my life than it is.