Depression

I am not capable of healing. Every single thing that has hurt me and caused me pain or broken me in some profound way has distorted into this wound that bleeds at the slightest touch

i‘m nobodys first choice. instead, i’m everyones last resort. the only thing i‘m good for is being used until i‘m no longer wanted. i‘m the broken toy rotting in the corner of the room; used, replaced and ultimately forgotten about

Being home alone is good because I just cried my lungs out without holding back

im not good enough for my own family, how can i be good enough for anyone else

its difficult for me to open up to anyone. i believe everyone wants to hurt me. im filled with anxiety at the thought of people knowing personal anecdotes about me. i dont want them to get close.

i am filled with hate towards myself and the world. its difficult finding a reason to live in a world that’s unfit for people like me. 

every morning when I wake up I wish I didn't

im so scared and nervous. about tomorrow, about the future, about my life, about waking up and going outside, about being alone, about being with people, about talking to strangers, about driving and walking and working. i feel like im constantly afraid and anxious and on edge about every single part of my life.

im sick of positive reassurances. im sick of being told “it will get better” and “stay hopeful”. im tired of hearing “your family loves you”, “heres the national suicide hotline”. im so fucking tired of it. just let me feel this way. let me feel empty and upset and tired and hopeless. let me believe im worthless and disgusting and a bad person. i dont need to be reassured that im not, i just need someone to be there for me, as a hand to hold, as i deal with this by myself. i dont need “good samaritans”, i dont need generic positivity quotes, i just need to know theres someone i can rely on, someone in my corner who is supporting me without ever saying a word about it. being there for someone who wants and needs it helps a lot more than a suicide call service.