Unconventioal!

While most of the time it sucks to be lonely, sitting your waste of thoughts and asking yourself “Why me?”. Sometimes, that self-loathing inside of you, that turns into the lonesome person that you’ve become. Can be a sign that you need to be by yourself, you should sit in a comfortable spot in your own world or room, and really think about what’s good with you and the thought that come into your mind, like an unwanted parent, opening your bedroom down unannounced. When you really think about it being by yourself is somewhat a good thing, because it gives you space from total shit, you don’t want to deal with. You can just still there all by yourself and enjoy the fact, that it’s ok to be alone and not always be surrounded by people. You can really get to know yourself better if you really wanted to, but how can you when you cannot even be with people and still feel lonely. Therefore, before trying to see if you can handle being with a crowd of people and pretending to be ok, take care of you and see what you alone can do and handle.

It takes one person in your life, whom you haven't seen in years to bring you back to life. They shock your body and wake the dead from within you. For the past couple of days, I’ve been in a dark area, that even the brightest of flashlight could find the person that I once was. However, I rekindle my relationship with a girl; I use to work with many eons ago. Therefore, when she asked me to come to a club to celebrate her friend’s birthday, I told myself “Sure, it’s not like I have anything better to do”! Nevertheless, that night made me see, that whatever going on in you sad so-called-life, it doesn’t really matter when you are surrounded by people. Whom you may not have seen for years but when you do, it’s as things never changed and they just enhance your night and basically your life 10 times better, and for that I’m grateful for her and that amazing, crazy, memorable night!

I once thought that I was some kind of invincible bitch, watching those basic bitches from the top of my castle. Slowly, those peasants got tired of my bullshit, opened to door to my kingdom and tried to get of me and my smug facade, that I built hard to perfect. However, once the basic villagers from the country that once was controlled by me knew was just an act and nothing else. I was stripped of my titled and kicked out of my castle. In doing so, I was made a laughing stock for all to see. Without the person I once was, I had nothing to prove or nothing to believe, because it was removed from my being. You think this would make me crawl into a cave and call it a long night sleep, but this bitch has other trick up her sleeve. Little by little, I regain who I was, but the only difference is that, I don’t have to act like my shit doesn’t shit to prove that I’m better then he or she. Knowing that inside of you and having this confidence to have people looking at you, without the stink eye attached to your back. Can be the best feeling in the world, because they just wonder “What so different about you?” You don’t have to answer just go walk away and go back where you came from, that castle that is so rightfully yours!

Usually my closet is filled with important things, like clothes, sneakers and adult toys. However, it was also filled with secrets, that have slowly been airing out my closet to make space for the more significant items. No long do I need to hide what I’ve been trying to discard for many years. This past couple of weeks have been an awaking for me, that hiding things to make this seem normal isn’t so important to me. I need to stay positive in my life, and the way I could begin. Is to release all the evil secrets and lies, that have haunted me for so long and just bid them farewell for good. That way your closet is clean and so is  your insides from all the shitty things, that’s been nagging you forever.

Have you ever had that feeling of what if, you could go back and change something. Even the smallest thing you would like to change can still change the rest of your life. Sure, we would all love to have a Delorean and go back to the future for a day or more. However, you can’t change the past because the past is kind of like a looking glasses to you present and your future. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, that if you did wanna erase a fuck up in your life. Then how would you learn from those mistakes later on, if you’d Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind it all. Trust this bitch when, I say, I would love to change it all but then, I would probably fuck it up even worse. So, for now let the past be that just the past and just look forward to the future.

I’ve never claimed to be a good person nor have I never talked shit about others. However, the difference between me and those other people, is that I have the balls to tell you how I feel to your face. Instead of whispering it to someone, like the sad pathetic person you are. When gossiping about other humans to a bunch of haters. They tend to just twist your words around and make it into something much worse than it is. You can talk shit about me all you want, but when it comes to my family and the things that I love to do. Then guess what? I’m not one to shy away from confronting you to your smug face. I’m a dreamer with many dreams, which I want to accomplish someday soon. Therefore, when someone says that I’m wasting my time, with this blog and these pictures, that I enjoying doing so much. It really hurts me, but even more so, it just pisses me the fuck off. I’ve never asked for anybody opinion on anything concerning this blog, and I’m not about to start either. If you like, what I do, than thank you very much and keep on enjoying the show. However, if you don’t then that’s also fine. Change the channel and leave my station alone! Nevertheless, don’t be a bitch about it and start talking about me and my loves, like you have the authority to do so. Better yet! Don’t go talking shit about me to others, who at the end of the day are going to tell me, what you spewed out of your mouth. The point of this soliloquy is simply really. Just keep your mouth shut and keep my name out of your mouth! Carry on!

I’m not one who is in touch with he’s feelings at all. Just saying these words makings my stomach cramp up and throw chucks all over those words, i just typed up. I usually hide my emotions or discard them in the trash and, replace them with witty comebacks and a fuck you attitude to boot. It’s basically so hard to find a middle ground, when it comes to these sorts of things. If you think about it, someone who tries to hide there feelings. Is the one with the most emotional and raw sentiments, that it’s sometimes to hard to control it. This is why, I try to hold them back, but then my words become a ticking bomb of holding back so many emotions, that I really don’t want people to see, that side of me. When they do, they get scared and I don’t want to scared anybody with them, I’m just trying to control them. In a calm environment in my mind and body.

I understand that my over thinking has gotten me into some troubles, with myself and with others around me. When I over think things, it’s as if it over takes my mind and body, that I’m sometimes afraid that it’s too powerful to stop or control. I’ve always been one to question the littlest things, which I then make them into something bigger and then it escalates, that by the time, I try to defuse the bomb, it too late and everyone around me is hurt. There’s no amount of Silkwood showers, that would wipe off the blood matter, that’s covered my entire body from the people that I’ve hurt. Along the rabbit hole of over thinking and over analyzing shit. I know, that I should have left it alone in the first place. Now, I have nothing but to be responsible for the body count and, what I really should have done in the beginning was again “Just leave it alone”, and let things just happen for themselves, without touching what shouldn’t have been touched or altering it in the first place.

I’m not a big label whore! Don’t get me wrong I love me some labels, but let’s be honest, I can’t afford any of the goodies, that I so want to covet! I can’t even afford the labels, that are sewed into the pieces! I would love to make it rain at Givenchy or Gucci without a care in the world, but guess what? I do care because I’m not made out of money. I actually have to save my pesos a couple months in advance, to get one of my favorite designers prize winning items. In addition, after I get my hands said item, you best believe that I would worship that object forever! I’ll be like Hugo the abominable snow man ” I will hug it and pet it and squeeze it. However, until then, I’ll just stay with my high and low (very low actually) aesthetic, because there’s nothing wrong with looking good at a much cheaper price. No matter what most magazines brainwash you into believing. It’s a harsh superficial world out there, but you can always conquer it, matter what labels you own or not! 

Have you ever had a person who came into your life and left an imprint so hard, that even after they’ve gone away, there’s no erasing them from that special place. No matter how hard you try to scrub, bleach and burn them from your memories, there’s still no easy way to eliminate said person. They’ve black sharpie traces of themselves up and down the most block and restricted areas of your being, that all you can do is except the fact, that they’ve left a mark on you for better or worse. Not even one of those machine that they used in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, will rub out the effects, which a person can leave in your mind and for lack of a better word your heart. Maybe, some people are meant to shake up your world for a bit, but they’re not meant to stay and build a nice little nest for long. They’re just there for the time being, until it time to pack up and go on there way to the next person or place. However, it’s always nice to remember what once was, when they were with you for just that tiny bit of time, which turn your world upside down. 

Childhood Creep Up!

Sometime, I wonder, What if? What if anything in my life would actually turn out good? Would I still be happy or would I still have this unshakable depression. I mean, maybe some money and fashionable clothes would make my depression look better, but that shit won’t make it go away. It’ll just me more depressed because even, if I have everything in the world, I’ll still be in this dark mood. My mood ring probably would be dark, because surrounding myself with beautiful things doesn’t make my world go round. If I’m not right in the head or in myself, money might make the world go round but it’s also the root of all evil, and right now I don’t need evil in my life. I just need positive vibe, with positive people, who are will to share there good vibes with me.

I have learn to respect to fact, that my heart is a lonely hunter. It don’t want to hunt for it’s next prey, it’s just want bother by any drama or emotion, that will harm it. However, my inner wall surrender my heart is graffitied with word like, take a chance you stupid hoe, or hope and possible maybe love. I don’t really believe in that word love-never did because love to me is another mean for trouble and I don’t like trouble. However, after this weekend, heart is still ready for that word to cover it like a warm blanket in a warm night, but it’s slowly starting to take a chance at the possible of something, that might lead to that.