SilentScroll~

Coffee is strange with me.

It tightens my chest

and then

loosens it.

It knocks on my ribs

like anxiety asking to be let in,

yet somehow

it’s the only thing that stays

when the room gets too loud.

People don’t understand that paradox~

how something can be the spark

and the extinguisher

at the same time.

Sometimes it makes my hands shake,

my thoughts run marathons,

my heart forget its rhythm.

Sometimes

it feels like a hand on my back saying,

you’re okay, keep going.

Lately, I don’t even wait

for the anxiety anymore.

I drink it without a reason.

Cup after cup.

Replacing water

with something darker.

I know.

I know it’s not healthy.

I know being busy is my favourite excuse.

There’s always an event,

a deadline,

a reason to stay awake

longer than I should.

I’ve been breathing deeply for months,

whispering,

First Jan. I’ll stop. I promise.

But January came

with work in its hands

and I reached for caffeine

like muscle memory.

Now there’s that little bottle.

Just one tablespoon left.

The “last” one.

I tell myself

after this,

three months detox.

Four, maybe.

But the last cup sits in my stomach

before I’ve even made it

heavy,

guilty,

inevitable.

I’ve told everyone I won’t have it.

Maybe outside, occasionally.

But not at home.

Because home means easy.

And easy means I won’t stop.

It isn’t just a drink.

It’s a ritual.

A sedation.

A companion that never asks questions.

When no one tries to calm me

not their job, I know

Yet coffee does.

And it wasn’t its job either.

It was mine.

Maybe I’m already numb.

Maybe I don’t need something to numb me.

Maybe that’s why I hesitate

because if I let go of it,

I’ll have to feel

everything

without a filter.

Or maybe

I’m overthinking.

Maybe it’s just a spoon of powder

in a small brown bottle

waiting on a shelf.

But why does it feel

like a goodbye

Family friends and everyone else

They talk about communication

But no one really listens

My dad told me not to give up

Then when I tried he said to give it up

My mom wanted to talk

But gave up too easily

My brother said keep going

But when I needed a push

Everyone stepped back

I needed someone but they left

People say they want to be alone

Even when it hurts them the most

Is this all we have in the world

People around but no one to hold

They say I don’t feel things too

I guess I’m selfish

For thinking about everyone

For loving

I sat for days

Just opening the laptop felt too heavy

The weight of it pulling me down

Shut it again and again

Take a break will do it tomorrow

But tomorrow never comes

And the guilt only grows

I’m not like this

Not the kind to run away

Last night I sat with the will to begin

Told myself at least I tried

But again I shut it

Not like sleep found me anyway

Morning comes and fear sets in

What if I never finish it

A task that should take an hour

Stretched into eight

Time slips through my hands

I’m so tired but the night drags by

My face looks dull my eyes feel sore

Like they could burn and fall to the floor

I barely have the strength to stand

My head is heavy full of strain

The screen hurts but I still stare

Lost in thoughts too tired to care

I blink I shut my eyes real tight

But my head keeps spinning through the night

Then I check the clock again

Just one more hour till my alarm rings

So I sigh and close my eyes

Might as well sleep before sunrise

Grapes, Bed and Silence

I taste the grapes then lay in bed

Lost in silence in my head

Stress is heavy dark and deep

Eating at me while I sleep

I feel so far yet I can see

Like glass between the world and me

I reach but I can’t touch or feel

Is any of this even real?

This numbness feels both strange and right

A quiet place no need to fight

I sink so deep then feel no more

Like waves that crash upon the shore

But don’t you worry I’ll be fine

I just have no words this time

An emptiness a quiet air

I started to push myself again

Did it matter to tell a friend?

The panic crept back, a silent tide

And sleepless nights stood by my side

Oh, but wait

Caffeine and alcohol, switches in my head,

On and off, but not by me,

A habit formed, a chain unseen

Yet the only thing that sets me free

At least the numbness stays out of sight

All fine-

My smile’s here, see? It’s bright

Drunk, high, laughing there

I whisper so low

Perhaps I’m not hurting

Perhaps I just know

I saw it unfolding

Like fate’s quiet plan

Yet still I reached out

Held on to your hand

I thought I could heal you

Chase sorrow away

You said that I did

But I know I betrayed

For truth is I couldn’t

I burdened your soul

Left you with guilt

Made you feel less whole

Your sorries fall silent

They don’t reach my heart

For maybe I’ve earned

Every cruel aching part

All that I’ve loved

Has left me the same

A cycle unbroken

A cold bitter game

And so here I stand

At the end once again

Believing I’m meant

To be loved by no friend

So stay far from me

Let time heal the air

But do take care

Is it me who makes them run?

A curse, a fear, a silent pain

That whispers, love will hurt someone

They say I’m too much, too good to keep

But all I hear is I should go.

Am I the reason they disappear?

Maybe I’m the weight they’ll never know

Maybe love was never mine

A lesson carved into my skin

I’ve learned to lose, to step aside

To watch the door close once again

I love you still, I always will

But I am not for anyone

So take care, stay far away

Before I turn into the setting sun

I say I’m fine, I say I’m gone

But truth is, I’ve lost my way.

There’s something dark, there’s something deep

And I can’t ask you to stay

So thank you for the love you gave

For all the light you let me see

But love was never written for me

But it comes back

Every 1st month, 10th day—

It hits

How do you forget?

How do you stop the relapses of that feeling?

I never had nightmares before that day

And they’ve never stopped since

Every time I close my eyes, I hear sirens

I’m glad I didn’t have college today

I knew I’d just sit silent, away from everyone

How do you forget?

The last hug, your happy face

At 6 in the morning

The car leaving

I wish I never let it go

I wish I’d come along

I wish it happened to me instead

I wish you hadn’t suffered

I wish I’d been there when you needed me

But I wasn’t.

Losing you didn’t just hurt

It broke me. Completely.

And I never accepted that you were gone

Thursdays and Fridays still haunt me

But every Monday I’m still at the door

Hoping you’ll come back

I miss you. Always.

I just don’t say it often

They say it’s in the past

But if they saw it from my side

I live it every single day

It’s painful

I remember everything

The replay

The jacket you wore for the first time

Telling everyone how much you loved it

When it came back

It was covered in blood

How do you pretend it’s not there?

I still remember it all

The moment my brother placed his hand on my shoulder told me to listen

The moment my mom’s call came and asked me to stay strong

The moment my sister wiped my tears told me it’ll be okay

The moment my dad held me so tight because I could barely breathe after the news

The moment my grandmother held my hand shaking and telling me your not there

Binding me with promises to stay strong for them

So I suppressed it, buried it deep

I stopped reacting

I promised to take care of my family

I did. But I forgot about myself.

How do I explain this feeling?

My chest tight, my stomach hollow

My mind flooded with thoughts,

While all I want is sleep.

But I can’t even do that

The nightmares are too exhausting.

So I write

Because I can’t speak

This day hurts, start to end

There’s nothing but pain

I miss you

I miss the way we were

Everything’s changed, and I wish it hadn’t

You’re still the only wish I make

On every birthday

Your smile. Your warm hug.

I’ve never felt it again since that day.

More than scared they don’t understand

Some say I overreact

Some say I pretend

But how do I explain it’s real

A phobia wrapped tight around my chest

I see it or even the faintest thought of it

The nausea rises like a storm

I want to leave to be anywhere but there, yet they joke they poke

They bring it up again and again

They never feel my heart racing

Or see when I zone out falling silent

my mind drifting somewhere far trying to escape

Oh wait

it was meant to be funny

Maybe I’m just a joke in the end

For them to repeat it, no remorse

It's brutal

That feeling

When you shared and they say they understood

Yet did the same without a second thought

That sting

When I realized it repeated

Again

Different face, different time

But the sting of foolishness

Still fresh and raw

It hurt

And I can't quite explain it to you

You feel good

And I too feel something

Good for you

And nothing for me

Somehow you've won

And I've won too

You got what you wanted

At last

And though I didn't get what I wished

The joy for you

A night before, a week before

That something was wrong

But I’d figure a way out

But I couldn’t

I stood there with love and care

But it wasn’t enough

For your body was giving away

You fell to the ground in just five minutes

When I went downstairs

Wish I never left

Caught you in my hands

And no movement to feel

Kissed you so many times

With tears falling on your chest

Hugged you so tight, close to my heart that you gave a reason to beat

Tried to revive you

But all I felt was helpless

And my other one was there

Wondering why we took you away

How do you explain to animals?

How do I speak their way?

I miss my little singer

All tunes seem to fade away

Why’d life do me so unfair?

I can’t see my own hands

All I see is your body

And the shivers I felt

I couldn’t save you

I couldn’t do anything

But I did bury you under

And I won’t forget

Between hello and goodbye

There was love, so much love

That no one could ever give me.

For all the words you said

Thanks to you

For making things even tougher than they felt

Thanks to you

For yelling at me

It never made me eat anyways

Thanks to you

For all you do

But don’t you dare

Don’t you ever say this in the name of care

Cause this was suffocating

I just wanted to enjoy my meal

Just a simple meal

Not like I’m gonna die

It’s hard, this feeling

Where I’m constantly fighting

From something that appears to be everywhere

It’s exhausting

That I can’t even run from it

It's everywhere

Food

Something that sounds so easy

When hungry, go and eat

But I never felt the need

But still, cause it’s what we do all day

I tried

Wake up in the morning

And cheer myself up

To cook some good breakfast

And sit and eat

Slowly felt like it was possible to take it slow

To eat and not feel bad about it

Lunch time came

And the food was yum

I ate twice

Rare it happens

Evening, I had a little snack too

And it was almost the night

Dinner time so near

All I wanted was some paratha and curry

But no

I had to be yelled at

It’s normal, you know

They never appreciate what you do

But surely blame you for what you don’t

It doesn’t make me eat

Why don’t you understand it?

It makes me hate food more.

It makes me hate myself.

Tomorrow will come again,

And I failed again, thanks to you,

As if it’s me who causes all the rain

Tired of telling you where I belong

You’ve shown in every possible way

But she held onto hope..

I absorbed your words when you uttered them

I understood your viewpoint

But it stung when I realized

I had scarcely considered myself

I comprehend its origin

The anguish concealed in my eyes