It's been a little over a month since my husband and I decided to go through with separating, and it's been a really hard time. When I said he was leaving me, that was true, but it was only temporary. No one is perfect in a relationship, but it took me reaching out to many of my most trusted friends, family members, and my therapist to realize I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage.
For years, I believe I was manipulated to think I was not a good person. Whether it was on purpose or not, that what was happening and though I did not realize it fully, my subconscious was crying out and it led to the separation.
Its been a long, tough, still ongoing journey, but my family and friends have been provided so much of the support that I needed to get through this, which is why I feel as if I am finally okay now. Or at least at peace about it. I have moved to a new place of my own and I feel a lot safer now. Even after I moved, my husband was trying his best to antagonize me, and though it made things a lot more difficult for me, I have continued to move forward with this process.
This doesn't feel real. Me writing this, or the fact that I've experienced such pain in such a short amount of time, and sometimes it feels like my brain or my heart cannot comprehend what has happened or why I am where I am now. But it's real and I am here.
Even through this hell, I've been slowly trying to find my way back to myself, and after some time, I realized this was a blessing in disguise since I, now at 27 years old, have my time, money, and space all to myself after 7 years straight of having to share it all with someone who didn't fully appreciate me or see me see me. I'm able to learn who I truly am and grow into the person I was meant to be. I will no longer lower or lessen myself to make other people feel more comfortable. I will not be satisfied with less than I deserve. I know that, even through all the pain that is still sitting deep in my heart. But again, I am still here and breathing.
I've decided the rest of this decade will be spent on myself and learning to become the best version of me, because that's what I'm owed and now I don't have anything or anyone holding me back but myself. As painful and world ending as this feels, in the end, I now see this as a beautiful, powerful opportunity to reconnect with who I really am and who I was meant to be.
Thank you to all of you who have sent me supportive messages. They did not go unnoticed. I am still early in my recovery period, but writing does continue to call out to me. I think it will be a huge part of my healing journey, and I can't wait to see what happens once I begin again. I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I continue to think about it.
pixelskylines
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
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