it's only when i lose myself

i finally graduated community college with my associates and also ended my fast food job of three years... and am starting my new job next week and university in the fall and i am also married now

at the end of 22' i "took a break" from college but in reality had zero direction and never thought i was going back. i ended up finding a simple fast food job and stayed there for a long time because i felt i couldn't do anything else (even if the job itself wasn't that bad)

i only returned to school last fall and within two semesters found my footing and passion in environmental science

but perhaps the strangest thing to me is that some aspects of my life are completely different while other aspects remain the same

some of the most identifiable characteristics of the "old me" are becoming a thing of the past. in the middle of high school i began smoking weed and started using it almost everyday once the covid shutdown started. my depression quickly took over and i did lose a lot of motivation to do something with my life. while i still struggle with mental health, much of that feels like a thing of the past...

i don't smoke anymore and after a year-and-a-half of hard work, i finally seem to have more control over my mental health. i want to be clear, i am not against weed and have not turned into a conservative prude, but making the realization that it wasn't for me a huge step in my life and one of the most difficult decisions i have ever made

sometimes it seems my most "important" qualities from my high school and early college days were actually holding me back... why am i tearing up right now when i write this?

embracing my true interests, woman i love, and passion for the world has guided me places that lonesome stoner never did... even if it still hurts to admit