the scar is not on the wrong side

(nods sagely) (nods basily) (nods rosemarily) (nods saltly) (nods star anisely)

you can be peeling a boiled egg and think to yourself wow. that was so simple. and then you peel another one and it’s like being in the throes of war. shell everywhere. egg mangled. tears in your eyes. that’s how god keeps you humble

fuuuck I could use a mysterious benefactor right now

i can’t really find interest in a man if he’s not odd and unsettling. and perhaps downright disturbing

white women stop becoming tradwives. we need more gothabillies

Your quality of life will increase ten-fold when you learn to appreciate the sight of a little bird

weve decided not to move forward with you at this position because a meteor has hit our office and destroyed the whole shit big mode. we hope your job search goes well

a motherfucker could use an embrace 

love that kids are emo again. i love walking into the grocery store or goodwill and seeing some teenage emo kid all decked out walking around with their mom or something