MY FRIENDS: I LOVE THEM, BUT THEY ALSO DONT REALIZE I SOMETIMES ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE
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MY FRIENDS: I LOVE THEM, BUT THEY ALSO DONT REALIZE I SOMETIMES ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE

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FUCK FUDJCKDKK FUCK CKFUFJND CUFLFNNDKDMD I HATE RVERYTBING
let’s be real the only reason I’ll enjoy being married is knowing that someone actually 100% loves me and is willing to spend every day with me no questions asked …………….
I’ve never been the best friend, the first choice, or the needed person lmao it’s like people just assume I’m okay alone, which is true to a point, but I literally HATE FEELING ISOLATED BUT ALSO KNOWING THAT MY FRIENDS LIKE ME
A YEAR AGO AT THIS TIME I WAS SUICIDAL AND NOW I GLOW BE BRAVE, YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW
3.11.17
I miss my best friend :-(((( I will see her Monday but I still miss my best friend :(((

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future!!! 3/6
here’s some stuff going on:
I had my outbound orientation weekend last weekend and it’s now REAL that I’m going to Finland for 4 weeks….it’s so crazy having things you’ve dreamed of doing come true.
track started today, which gave me mixed feelings.
regardless of how much is going on, I’m happy. my stress is literally not overcoming my happiness
this is my schedule for next year:
junior seminar (career and life skills, psych, tech, and stats all in 3 periods) pre-calc desktop publishing (yearbook editing!) band choir Spanish taken independently
ahhhdjdjdj. No art. yikes.
anyways. I’m a happy gal. things r good
Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.
Alice Walker, Living by the Word (via wnq-anonymous)
To my sweet daughter, If you ever begin to wonder if he is the one, ask yourself: Does his laughter warm your body from the inside out? He knows that when you say two scoops you really mean three, right? Do you dance in his living room while drinking cheap wine? I hope so, and I hope you’re both drunk and terrible and laughing so hard you cry. Does he tell you how beautiful you are, and if yes, does he say it when the morning light falls upon your face? More importantly, when he tells you, do you believe him? Can you cry in front of him? I hope you can, that means you trust him. When it’s pouring rain does he know that if your hair is curled or your eyes are sad that means he should get the car and bring it to you? When he asks what you want for dinner and you say you aren’t hungry, does he ask if you’ve eaten today? And when you say you had breakfast, I hope he knows you don’t eat breakfast, and makes you a bowl of rice, because that’s your favorite comfort food. Does he kiss you good morning? Good night? Just because? Do you know he likes his coffee black? Unless he wants it cooled, then he will probably want some milk in it, but not too much. Do you know when he prefers tea to coffee? I never quite figured that out with your father, so if you have, you’re a better woman than I. Have you figured out where he’s ticklish? Don’t let him convince you he’s not, I promise you he is. Have you frustrated the hell out of him yet? You will, oh you will, but it’s how you two come out of it that matters. And when he said he loved you for the very first time, did you respond by asking if he’s afraid of heights? I hope with my entire soul that he said yes because that means, despite his fear, he fell for you. Now, darling, you tell me, is he the one?
(via citylights-winternights)
2.18.17: how groups of teenage boys tend to make me feel
what is it about teenage boys where you feel completely drained of the worth of your talents, intelligence, and opinions after spending long periods of time with them??? how is it that at the same time being with a group of girls be so uplifting??? seriously....this is BY FA R the thing that makes me beyond irritated. literally teenage boys: talk about sex 50% of the time, act like they are educated in every subject 25% of the time, and practice a 0 compassion and support policy 25% of the time. Also drugs I'm sorry 2 be extra but when I'm with any group of girls I literally feel Safe and Welcome. It's so rare where I feel genuinely safe and welcome with teenage boys. I hate it. I hate sounding like a bitch when I write this. I'm just so so angry
2.17.17: okay, so here I am.
I am 15, I am a sophomore, and I am going to Finland for 4 weeks this summer. I love to run, I love art, and I love reading essay compilation books. I love canoeing and being outside. I absolutely love the power of women. I believe the most powerful thing in the world is female friendships and female leadership. Women are constantly blooming. I do not like like the idea of doing drugs because of my history of anxiety and disassociation. I also love how clear my body can be. I find the joy that I find in my life better than anything I modify my brain to feel. I don't like the idea of organized religion but respect and immensely admire those who do. I love yellow. I love yellow days, I love lifting others up into yellow. here I am.

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2.15.17...agnosticism
I've never been comfortable with the idea that my happiness and the love inside me is God. I've never been comfortable feeling like someone else, some thing, has bearing on the way I feel in my soul. My actions, my joy, and my love for others is a result of gratitude inspired by others. Inspired by the love people have given me, the pure beauty of the world, and the power of kindness, leadership, and action for a better world for the sake of humanity. I love humanity. I love laughter, I love crying, I love loving. I love being.
2/4/17
realizing that how others treat me is a result of who I present myself as a person was a liberating concept that moved me to become more compassionate, empathetic and loving. It eliminated complaining and blaming the people around me endlessly and really did motivate me within friendships. however....this has been a really self destructive perspective. While it's made me self reflective, I'm also incredibly critical. My self esteem seems to plummet from further heights when there's an upset in my path of self growth. For example: my friend has been dating this one boy who's sort of a douche at school but okay in person for about a month. She didn't want to tell me because she knew he bothered me, but knew I'd find out eventually. This made me just disappointed in myself because she's justified in thinking that way (to a point, I guess, it would've been sort of nice to know) and it's my fault that I've made her uncomfortable in telling me. This really just.. set me bummin. Anyways. I see Mama Mia next weekend so everything will be okay by then.
Being a good person is a choice. Don’t let people fool you into believing that truly good people never have bad thoughts, are never tempted by the easier path, by the low road, never mess up or act out selfishly. Never believe a person can be good without making a conscious effort.
Every single time you do something good, you’ve made a decision to make the world a little brighter.
Goodness is not an inherent trait, it is a choice. Keep making it! I see you, I’m proud of you, and I’m rooting for you!
1.15.17
what absolutely kills me about missing him is that it's really only the attention I got from him that I miss that is now an empty void that I long to fill with 'BOY'. I know that it'll be a long time until I find someone who gave me as much affection as he did, who was emotional as he was, and who cared so deeply... I don't get asked for numbers, I don't get asked out on dates, and I rarely get flirted with. Not even rarely. Like twice ever. The fact that he thinks he'll get replaced quickly makes me feel worse, because he doesn't get the depressing reality. He can flirt all day long and easily secure a girl who finds him charming within seconds with no problem whatsoever while I long for somebody to just look at me. To just look at me. I want to feel right again and not selfish or restless, longing for attention...I mostly want it to be green again. What would I give to see the sun on the lakes of the boundary waters, laughing the afternoon away with sisters who will be forever my sisters. It is truly Sunday night.
A reminder for the girls with big plans
To all the girls with big dreams, who have been told that they are ‘too preoccupied with success’, or that they are ‘too selfish’ or ‘too ambitious’ - do not listen to the people who speak those words. If you love something that much, and will pursue it to the ends of the earth, do not give it up for anyone. Hold it close to your heart and understand that you are not obligated to dim your sparkle for anybody. In your life, there will always be people who tell you that you are too much or too little. They will say a woman is too assertive, or too reserved. They will say she feels too little or too much, that ambition is selfish. They may even be hurt or offended that you do not think the same. Yet at the end of the day, know in your heart that you are the only one who will ever know whether you are truly enough and that is what’s important. Go out there and smash the glass ceiling to pieces.

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its okay if he never comes back
Twenty-five things to do when bored
make a DIY face mask
organize your bedroom, closet, or bathroom
do some online shopping
draw or paint
stretch your muscles
read a short story
design your dream house
create a travel blog
take a cute picture to post on Instagram
go to your local library and check out a book or movie! (or just chill)
write a short story
color!
do a puzzle
put together a care package for yourself or a friend or for both! (so you all can do it together)
make a to-do list and complete everything on it
bake some cookies
take a bubble bath
work on your Duolingo
write a short script and film it with friends (or by yourself!) and post it on youtube
go on a walk and get some fresh air
read a couple chapters in whatever book you are reading right now
watch a movie
bake some muffins
paint your nails
write a poem about love