So I said at first that option number one reads best to me offhand, but on second thoughts I wanted to know what the original poem was like and then look at these renditions again. So here's the version I would share with someone who has watched a Chinese period costume drama at least ONCE in their lives.
้้ๆฒณ็่ - green, green is the grass by the riverbank
by Unknown (202 BCE - 220 CE), second of the Nineteen Old Poems
้้ๆฒณ็่ ้ฌฑ้ฌฑๅไธญๆณ
qฤซng qฤซng hรฉ pร n cวo yรน yรน yuรกn zhลng liว
Verdant is the grass by the riverbank, luxuriant, the willows in the garden.
็็ๆจไธๅฅณ ็็็ถ็ช็
yรญng yรญng lรณu shร ng nว jiวo jiวo dฤng chuฤng yวu
Graceful is the lady there on the upper floor, luminous before the window -
ๅจฅๅจฅ็ด
็ฒๅฆ ็บ็บๅบ็ด ๆ
รฉ รฉ hรณng fฤn zhuฤng xiฤn xiฤn chลซ sรน shวu
lovely in her rouge and powder, delicate fingers on her fair hand extended.
ๆ็บๅกๅฎถๅฅณ ไป็บ่ฉๅญๅฉฆ
xฤซ wรจi chร ng jiฤ nว jฤซn wรฉi dร ng zว fรน
Once the daughter of a performing House, now the wife of a wayfarer -
่ฉๅญ่กไธๆญธ ็ฉบๅบ้ฃ็จๅฎ
dร ng zว xรญng bรน guฤซ kลng chuรกng nรกn dรบ shวu
a wayfarer who has not returned, with an empty bed hard to mind alone.
Side note: Wondering what a house which allows one to stand at the window to both be seen by the passers by outside and observe the garden would look like, I looked for Han dynasty tomb rubbings and grave good miniatures as examples. Here is one excavated in Henan!
The first translation with its vaguely medieval - or at the very least trying for amorphously historical imagery through words like glistening gown, casement, rouรฉ - seems to be adapted for readers who have never watched a cdrama in their lives and cannot imagine what a Han dynasty setting might look like. The translator probably swapped out the context for a more localized feel to their own cultureโs historical settings... Making every sentenceโs middle and end rhyme was a little silly and creates this funny sing-song effect when read aloud, but then so is the unserious tone of the original and the doubled words in its first three lines has a similar effect. Anyway, Iโm not a fan of the localisation, but it was interesting to see the scene transplanted thus.
It was amusing to see ็็, which elsewhere in the Nineteen Poems is indeed used as a descriptor for the silver river (aka the milky way), envisioned by the translator as โglisteningโ here. They also might have understood it in the brimming/overflowing sense and associated it with her figure as they pictured her โrounded armโ. Thereโs no other logical explanation and place to derive it. ็บ็บ can only mean slender! I also donโt believe โcareless rouรฉโ is the description for a ่กๅญ in this context, but can understand the choice.
Overall I appreciated โAh, if he does not mind his own, / He'll find someday the bird has flownโ the most because it shows his own understanding of the poem (Itโs a Han Dynasty suggestive pop song and he knows it!). And locking in is always a fun choice to make when translating!
The second one is a piece of workโฆ๐คฃ Iโm not sure it can be called a translation because it has remixed nearly every line, but not quite in a manner creative enough to be considered derivative? Theyโre writing an AU where โthe mistressโ is a lonely little nightingale in a cage with a drunken owner by funhouse mirror style paraphrasing. Unlike the first one, I canโt tell what theyโre going for at all here? Itโs like someone gave them one of those word by word lists of definitions of each sentence for beginners, and they cherry picked what they liked to construct a story. Taken as a translation, what a mess! LOL. Downvote! Downvote!ย
Special callout to the most choices of choices, โBlue, blue is the grassโฆโ, โcourtezanโ spelled with a z (itโs giving 1700s) and โa sotโ.ย
The only quarter point for effort Iโll give is for the bending over backwards to nod at the originalโs structure xD ้้ blue, blue / ้ฌฑ้ฌฑ willows, overfilled (????) / ็็ mistress, midmost / ็็ white, white (really????) / (ๅจฅๅจฅ line was skipped entirely -0.25pts) / ็บ็บ slender, slender hand.ย
What to say about the third one.ย
I mentioned the word-for-word for learners earlier, this is like that, except certain โdefinitionsโ seem completely pulled from thin air, with no corresponding words in the original. โSad, sadโ is an invention. โCasementโ is an invention.
Itโs not trying to be a creative work, but itโs also not being entirely faithful.
Overall, directionless and the worst of the lot!
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