i know you inside and out, i know who you are and how strong you are and how kind and honest and caring you are. this is clear to me, whats unclear to me is how i am going to not know you, how I’m going to un-know you. i don’t know how thats going to work, i don’t see that happening. i have become a better person since knowing you, i have learnt so much about myself and opened so many doors and i have grown so much in only 8 months, and I’m scared that if i don’t know you anymore, if i let go of the person i know better than me, what will happen to me? i will still have all that growth and i won’t change, but I’m scared i will always feel as though something is missing.
this is what i do. i push people away, i retreat into myself, and i hide away. i close the blinds, lock the doors and i don’t let anyone in. i get so scared of how much i feel and how painful it is, so i close everything and throw away the key. when you met me, i was there. i wasn’t opening up to anyone, I wasn’t sharing love with anyone, I wasn’t myself. but then you just had to look at me, and you knew that there was more, and honestly when i saw you, really for the first time, was when you were putting glitter on my face outside arts block and i looked at you, and i really saw you. i saw this beautiful creature, open, so full of love, ready to know me, not scared of me. i knew you wouldn’t run away, even when i showed you the really scary parts of me. i knew you wouldn’t run away.
i guess thats why this is hitting me so hard, and why i feel like my world is upside down, because i believed this, fully. i put my whole being into this belief that you would never run away, and i feel like the universe has let me down somehow, even though i know you didn’t run away from me, you just ran towards yourself and i was like the collateral damage that comes with that decision. and i understand this, i really do. thats why it hurts so much, because there is no way around this. we are over. and no matter how many times i say this, write this, type this, think this it doesn’t get any easier. it actually gets harder.
people say that time heals, that you just need time and that everything will work itself out, in time. i think thats bullshit, i think people just get used to situations, they don’t get over them. people just adapt, I guess. i feel like everyday when i wake up, i somehow feel worse, not better. the disorientation becomes more pronounced, the feeling of forgetting lasts longer. it doesn’t get better, people just become more numb with time, because there bodies grow tired of feeling. i don’t want to feel numb.
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